Noah's Starship

+{Noah's Starship}+

-+-[December]-+-

~By Emri~

"I didn't want upset you until I know for sure, my baby. My parents just get approval today to travel. It is how my country works. I thought was best to no say a thing until I know it happen for sure," Navid said as he stared at me from across the bed with sad eyes. He'd just pulled a giant suitcase out of the closet and was throwing boxers and socks into it.

"You knew about this... You knew you'd have to leave tomorrow and... you just let me go on thinking you'd be here. We made Christmas plans! We bought a tree! How can you just leave me here?" My heart was pounding as tears rolled down my cheek. Navid moved towards me to try and wipe them away, but I jumped off the bed and went into the bathroom.

I closed the door behind me and turned the little lock. I reached for my pocket, but realized he had my phone. He had taken it at dinner since he said I spent too much time on it when we were together.

He had been upset the last few days. I thought it was because he had left one class off his degree plan and so he couldn't graduate until the spring, but now I guess it was him dealing with the uncertainty of leaving me.

"Baby," Navid said with a sigh when he tried to turn the door handle and realized it was locked. "This is not real lock, you know... It pop open if you turn handle back and forth quickly." He demonstrated and the door opened an inch. He waited, not wanting to anger me more.

"Please open to me, baby. I need make sure you aren't hurting yourself," he said in that calm, deep voice like I was the crazy one. He wanted to see that I wasn't digging my fingernails into the palms of my hands. It was something I did when anxiety won out. I wasn't. I hadn't done that in a long time, but he always worried.

I opened the door to look at him, and he took my hands and opened them. I started to cry again. "Please don't leave me," I whispered. He raised each of my hands to his lips and kissed my palms. I put them to his cheek as he stared into me with shame.

"I don't want to go. You know that I don't! Last thing ever I want is leave you. It is only for ten days. I promise I shall be here to celebrate Christmas with you. I will make sure you have a gift to open every day that I am gone. Either Aram or your father will stay here with you each night so you will never be alone. I have not seen my family in so long and is hard for them to leave Iran to come see me," Navid said.

"I cannot return to my family in Iran or even to my home there. I nearly finish with degree here and have valuable skills my country need. Also I speak English now. They maybe would not let me out to return to you. I can't even see my land, Noah. If so I might never again see my boy. I meet my family in Italy where we can all be together," Navid explained and finished with a sigh.

"But you're getting on an airplane in 12 hours and you just tell me this at bedtime while you're packing and I'm supposed to be ok with it. You never include me in anything! I'm just the house pet you're going to leave with a dog-sitter for ten days while you run off to Europe to see your family. I'm a person, Navid not a dog!" I was shaking. I pushed against his chest like I wanted to punch it, but he just put his arms around me and pulled me into him.

"I honestly didn't think my parents would get the travel visa to leave Iran. It was at last minute that the government approved it. Iran is like that. You make plans but don't know if you can do them. I thought it was best to not upset you when was not for sure to happen. I wish I could bring you with me. I want so much to spend my first Christmas with you," Navid said as he rubbed my back and kissed my hair.

It was true. He had been in the US for a few years, but usually just went to Las Vegas or a ski resort with his friends for the Christmas break. They were muslim too, so they hadn't been raised on our traditions.

Navid had insisted on getting a tree as soon as we saw the lots opening up in early December. He spent hundreds of dollars at the home store buying lights and ornaments to put on it. He even found a website that turned some of our pictures into ornaments so the tree was sort of a travel through our first six months together.

He wanted me to show him every American tradition with the holiday. The last two nights we had spent driving around the best neighborhood light decorations with big cups of hot chocolate and the holiday music station playing. We were supposed to go this weekend for the lighted boat parade down in Orange County... maybe Aram would take me.

With two weeks left until actual Christmas day, he'd already filled the tree with gifts for me. He insisted on giving me money to buy things for him too. I'd spent it all on a VIP game experience at the big soccer stadium in Carson where we'd get food and he could meet some players. I knew he'd love it, but now I just wanted to put everything in the dumpster.

"I am sorry you feel this. But everything I do is for you. To make money to buy you things and give you the beautiful life. I want you never worry for not a thing. You know I miss my family, Noah. You know is hard to be so far away. Your father is here five minutes driving. Mine is not. I miss them so much. I am torn between old world and new love. Please understand. Please be ok for me," Navid hugged me tightly and walked us back towards the bed.

He finished packing while I went downstairs to clean up the dishes. I finished and just sat on the couch watching the tree lights flicker and dance until he came to say it was time for bed. He'd gone overboard with decorations and there was hardly any visible greenery left on the tree. As he took my hand, I followed him up the stairs. It all just looked so ugly.

+++ +++

We spent the last few hours together with hurt feelings. When Aram came to take him to the airport, I gave Navid an empty kiss in the privacy of our bedroom.

"Please, my love, I cannot let our goodbye be so sad. I have gift for you," Navid said as he held me. He went to get a large box from his closet and held it in front of me. I took it and set it on the bed fully intending to pout this all the way through.

"I don't want anything from you," I whispered and looked away.

"I forget sometimes what a little boy you can be," Navid sighed. He went to the box and the grabbed my hand and used it to open it. He wrapped my fingers around something leather. It was an expensive black leather jacket.

"You are always cold without my touch. I will leave you warm with this," he said and wrapped it around me.

I looked at myself in the mirror and I looked pretty hot in it. He stood behind me and kissed up the back of my neck.

"I can wear this to a party with Erik. There's a gay party with Persian and white guys this weekend. Erik can take me," I lied to hurt him.

He ignored that knowing he'd set up Aram and probably Karim and other friends to watch me like a hawk. I was being a baby. I knew it but I hurt too much.

He asked for a nice kiss and I gave it to him. Angry as I was, I still longed for his lips. He put his hands on my cheeks and stared at me with intense eyes.

"Be good this week. You hold my heart inside you. Please be my good boy. I will come back to you for Christmas. I swear I will find way. I love you so much." He rubbed my cheeks with his thumbs. He kissed me one last time and then turned to leave so he didn't miss his flight.

I laid on the bed and covered my upper body with the jacket that smelled of his cologne. I cried until I fell asleep.

+++ +++

"Noah, wake up. It's almost 6. We need to get you some food," Aram's voice woke me up as his hand cupped my shoulder. He peeled back the leather jacket I'd been using as a shell, and I squinted up at him as the setting sunlight streamed through the window.

He wasn't that bad looking of a guy. He was a few years younger than Navid and had lighter skin. His nose was more prominent, and his hair was curly but he kept it neat. I stared up at him as my eyes adjusted to the light. He was sitting on the bed and leaning over me. His cheeks were smooth and he had a very trim little beard going on. He smiled gently as he watched me wake up.

"You have a little something," he said as he wiped the dried tears off my cheek with a laugh.

"He's gone? Like for real?" I whispered up to him hoping it was a bad dream. Aram nodded and his smile faded to sorrow. He missed him too.

"He will call you when he is in Europe. I know it hurt him so much to leave you. He was stunned and silent the whole way to the airport. He didn't even yell when I nearly hit a car trying to get off the freeway," Aram said as he pushed back my messy hair.

"I don't know what to do. It hurts too much to move," I admitted. My stomach was in knots. I'd never been away from someone I loved. It felt like he'd died.

"I'm sorry, Noah. What can I do to make it better?" Aram asked with a look of pity.

"Let's get really drunk, or maybe we can try pot... something Navid would never let us do if he were here." I was being sincere, but he took it as a joke.

"You're pretty adorable when you're trying to be bad, but c'mon dude, you're trying to get me killed?" Aram laughed. "Let's get you dressed and go get some pizza. If you don't feel any better after pizza, then we can score some crack." He laughed at his little joke.

+++ +++

Navid called early the next morning when he landed. He didn't call my phone, but Aram's. I didn't wake up until I heard the bedroom door ease open and Aram whisper my name. He came over to the bed and looked down at me as I kept my eyes closed. I couldn't talk to Navid. I didn't know what to say and I was still upset with him.

I cracked one eye open just enough to see that Aram had Navid on facetime and was pointing the phone down towards me so Navid could see me sleeping.

"Noah," Navid whispered. "Noah, it's me. Baby?"

I wanted to just pretend I was asleep, to let him be upset. But his voice sounded hoarse and sad. I opened my eyes and looked up at him. He hadn't slept. His dark eyes looked heavy even as he smiled when they met mine. I took the phone from Aram and sat up against the pillows. Aram went out to give us a minute of privacy.

"I am happy you were able to sleep without me there. I was not so fortunate on my long flight. I wished I could stay in my seat and just return to you. I miss you, my love. Aram tells me you are still so angry. Have I ruined your love for me? Should I jump into the sea?" Navid looked scared.

I nodded.

"Ok then. I walk down to sea to throw myself to the waves. Sharks will take your revenge on my body. Then you will be pleased and forgive to me? I deserve this. Is only way to find your forgiveness?" Navid asked.

I nodded but a smile crossed my lips at his dramatic declaration.

"Noah you are my world. I cannot bare to hurt you like this. I soak up my family and be perfect son so that I can return to my happy home with my beautiful boy. I promise this to you." His smile didn't return.

"I miss you," I said softly. We just stared at each other for a long, silent moment.

A younger boy came up to Navid and interrupted us. He looked like a 10 year old version of Navid and he leaned against him and looked down at me.

"Noah, this is Behrouz, my youngest brother." Navid beamed proudly. He slid his arm around Behrouz's waist and hugged him and kissed his cheek. "He grows so much since I last see him. He speak no English."

I waived to the boy and he returned it with a shy smile. I felt like a shell broke inside me as it hit me that Navid had a family. He wasn't just my protector, the warm chest I slept on. He was someone's son and brother and cousin. I felt like a total jerk. I was right to be upset that he didn't include me in his thoughts, but wrong to be upset about him leaving to see his family.

"I must go, my family is coming now. My parents were stuck in the immigrations. I love you Noah, goodbye," Navid said frantically as they were approaching. He flashed his camera over so I could see a group of well dressed beautiful people who looked like him.

"Good bye, I love you. Be safe! Take pictures!" I tried to cram in more, but the picture froze as he disconnected.

I laid there for a few minutes and watched the picture of his head turned, his strong jaw, his eyes so happy to see his family. It hurt like fuck, but I wanted him to be happy. I read somewhere that immature love is wanting to be the one who makes the other one happy. Mature love is wanting the other to be happy even if I'm not involved at all. I needed to step away and let him be happy.

I padded out of the room and found Aram in the kitchen looking through the fridge for breakfast.

"I'll make you something!" I called and Aram turned back to look at me. His eyes bugged out and I realized I only had on a pair of briefs and Navid's old flannel boxers that I liked to sleep in. I had to pinch the side of the waistband and roll it a little to keep it up.

"Noah, you should put clothes on!," He suggested and looked away. "You do have a cute little chest though," Aram added. I ran back upstairs and put on some shorts and a t-shirt. We ate waffles, eggs, and toast at the kitchen bar.

"So good, Noah. I would steal you if Navid did not already claim you!" Aram joked. "Today I have to meet up with some people. You will be ok here? Stay at home?" He asked.

"Yeah, Navid was going to take me to the pier and play some games today." I cleared the dishes and wondered what I would do without Navid here.

"I will hurry back by the late afternoon. Navid will want to call you tonight when it is morning over there. I hope you will not be too bored today. I am sorry I can't stay, but tomorrow I will plan something fun for us," Aram said as though I were the pet needing entertainment.

He left to meet up with his friends and I cleaned the house until everything was shiny and new again. I got a little sad folding the last of Navid's laundry. I ironed his dress shirts and hung them up and then arranged them by color.

Erik texted me just after 11 and I called and told him everything that had happened. He was pissed. He insisted on picking me up and taking me out for the day. I thought about letting Aram know, but I thought I'd just be gone for a few hours.

We ended up going over the hill into West Hollywood, the gayborhood. We settled in at a juice bar where we could watch the streetlife and Erik filled me in on what all he had been up to. Apparently he and Nasri had seen quite a lot of each other. Nasri even took him up the coast for the weekend to a little beach house where the beach was practically deserted.

He filled me in on all the crazy stuff they'd done together. Apparently Nasri liked to let Erik know what a "little white faggot" he was and got off on having Erik beg for his cock and humiliate himself. He thought it was hot for Erik to be his little slave and Erik was pretty into it.

"That's crazy, dude! I have no idea how I'd react if Navid got into it with me like that! I'd probably cry or something," I exclaimed.

"He's a man, like a real man. I don't even know how to explain it. It's not like anyone I've ever dated. It's hard to explain, but my body just bends to him without any fight," Erik searched for words.

"I get you. I feel the same way with Navid. He has this power over the world that I never will. I worry sometimes at how much guys, even straight guys, just seem to go along with whatever he wants," I agreed.

"Yeah, but at least you know he's solid for you. He looks at you like you're the only one on earth who is worth a damn. Nasri and I have some pretty hot sex, but that's kind of all we have. I mean, it's pretty clear that I have no hold on him. He lets me know that. It's hot sex, it's good for now, but eventually... you know," Erik trailed off in thought.

"I guess so. But Navid left me," I said and went suddenly quiet as I felt the now familiar pain shoot through me. "He left me, Erik."

"He didn't leave you, drama queen," Erik pushed hard against my shoulder. "He went to see his family. Plus look how he made all these plans for people to watch over you, got you presents. He feels bad about it. You can milk this for some cash."

We finished our juices and then walked around West Hollywood for a little while just people watching and talking. I used some of the emergency cash Navid had put in my wallet to buy him more presents. I found a few pairs of these really sexy jockstraps at one store. His ample, strong ass would fill them nicely. Another store had nice dress shirts he could use for business. I wanted a few things for him to unwrap after all the gifts he'd sent me.

It was about 6pm when we stopped at a sandwich place. I'd lost track of time with Erik. It was just like when we used to hang out before Navid. I checked my phone to find a few missed calls and angry text messages from Aram.

Aram: Noah, are you hiding somewhere? I'm not into this game.

Aram: Noah! Where did you go? Are you ok?

Aram: The fuck, dude? Are you ok? Call me ASAP!

I dialed his number quickly and he answered right away sounding frantic.

"Where are you? Are you ok? You can't just leave like that without telling me!" He was pissed. I told him I was with Erik and what we had done.

"We can head back if you want," I offered.

"Damn it, Noah! No! Stay there so I at least know where you are! I'm on my way. Just stay put, little runaway!" Aram had never sounded so forceful with me. He had that same tone Navid had when he was upset about something. Something about his tone made my stomach twist up with that empty feeling that Navid was halfway around the world. Aram was a weak stand-in.

+++ +++

It was weird learning to sleep without his arms, eat without his urging that I never take enough, even dress without his input on how I looked or demands to cover up more. But over the next few days the hurting started to fade. My life started to go back to the dull routine I'd had before him. The highlight of my week was getting my teeth cleaned by the dentist who told me I have excellent oral hygiene.

My dad took me to dinner a few times with the new lady he was dating, and it was just like old times except we went to nicer places. The lady was nice to me, but I noticed she kept paying the check wherever we went. She was a realtor and must have been pretty successful judging from her shiny Mercedes. I laughed when I realized that my dad I were both with people who liked to take over and pay for everything. I guess I could blame him for that.

He took Navid's side, of course, on the whole him leaving me to see his family. He said that he had no doubt how much Navid loved me and would return as soon as he could.

"Don't be too hard on him, Noah," he'd said. "He needs to see his family. I'd be so sad if you lived across the world instead of down the road. I'm just glad you have a guy who doesn't want to take you away."

It didn't really hit me how ok I was until the fifth night I talked to him on the facetime. I was in bed just wearing a pair of briefs and feeling exhausted from a day of going to the theme park in Valencia with my dad and then dinner with Erik and Miguel. It was morning for Navid and he was hiding in the bedroom at the beach house they had rented. He was upset about an argument with his father and he was ready to come back to me.

"I miss you Noah, more than anything. You look so beautiful there in your little briefs. I need to touch you again soon or I go crazy. I not sleep good here without you in my arms. Everything sucks without you. It makes me to know how much I love you." Navid started to tear up and I didn't know what to say. I'd always been the one to cry, never him.