Chapter 2: Dustin realizes that Gabe isn't easy to get rid of
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"What do you mean you're gay?"
Gabe shrugs his shoulders, "I mean exactly what I just told you." He walks into the pantry and pulls out a bag of chips. "I'm gay. I like dudes. Strictly dickly." He rips open the bag and spills a couple onto a plate.
"How many other ways can I say it before you believe me?"
I physically facepalm, looking back at him while he reaches for the jar of salsa and digs in. "I understand what you're saying, bro. What I don't get is how sudden it feels."
We've been friends for almost a year now and fuck if that didn't feel like a rollercoaster already. Gabe is just one of those people who consumes you, and after a week of casual hang outs, it already felt like he knew me better than anyone else at school. He called me his best friend a month after we first met for coffee and I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel the same.
The only thing that separates us is the fact that I'm completely in love with him, and he- being the carefree and casual person that he is- has no idea. In all this time of knowing Gabe, I never once suspected him of being gay. Most times it felt like a full time job having to indirectly break hearts on his behalf, with me having to tell a number of girls that he's not interested in them whenever they'd ask me. He's dated plenty, though none of them seem to last long enough for it to mean something.
Maybe this is the reason why.
He looks at me, confused. I sigh, "Gabe, just two weeks ago, you went to Homecoming with Mel. How long have you known?" I ask him, "Did you know that night?"
He stops and stares at the plate of tortilla chips and carefully tosses them around until he finds the perfect one. He's choosing his chips much like how he's choosing his words.
"Not exactly."
I'm trying to work out some situation where all of this makes sense. I open my mouth to respond but he stops me, "Look Dust, who cares when I realized it? That doesn't matter." He sighs, "I know now and I'm certain of it,"
Gabe looks visibly annoyed at this point. He mutters, "I would have expected a little more support from my best friend. God knows I was there for you when you came out."
I stop, dead in my tracks. He's right, he's absolutely fucking right. I rush around the island that separates us and pull him into a hug- one that knocks the life outta him and nearly sends him to the floor.
He chokes on a few chips as I grip him tightly, feeling closer than I ever dared to be before. When you have a crush this big, physical touch is a slippery slope. Gabe's never been shy of hugs or leaning in when we're sitting close, but I, myself, make sure to draw an invisible line between us and insist on never crossing it. Still, this feels like a fair exception. And the way he's holding me back, makes it worth it.
"I'm sorry I reacted that way." I let that linger for a few seconds, making sure he catches every nuance of my words. "I'm just really taken aback, man. Not that you owe me an explanation at all." I sigh, "It's just new."
You'd think that him coming out would be a reason for celebration for me, but it's not. For the past year, I've found comfort in the fact that, no matter how much I like him, he simply doesn't like guys. Yet now, that safehouse of an idea is compromised, and I'm left with the reality that he can like any guy in the world- but he doesn't like me.
I shelve that painful thought for another day. Right now, he needs me.
I pull off and his expression lightens to the point where it's like he never even complained in the first place. "You're my best friend, Gabe, and I support you no matter what."
I swear I can see him misty-eyed and trying not to cry in front of me. He places a hand on my shoulder and does that thing where his lips move but he doesn't speak- almost like his body is trying to tell me something that his mouth won't allow.
"Thanks Dust." He says with a smile as I take the seat next to him. The air is heavy between us and I search for some segway out of a potentially vulnerable situation.
"I love how you're just casually having a snack while coming out to me." I say as he pours out more chips and places the jar of salsa between us.
He snickers, "You know I eat when I'm stressed."
I roll my eyes. "So what else is new? Other than the fact that we're both playing for the same team?"
He laughs before dipping his head back down. Gabe has a lot going on these days- I try not to come on too strong whenever I try to ask how he's doing. He sighs, "My dad moved out today." He tells me as he draws a figure eight on the paper plate. "He packed up all of his stuff and left with barely a goodbye."
"Fuck" I reply. "You said it's been pretty quiet between you two since they said they were getting a divorce right?"
That was a week and a half ago- just a few days after Homecoming when his parents decided to call it quits. That was a good night, and probably some of the most fun we've had together- but the days that followed were bad. The way Gabe told me about it makes it seem really sudden, almost like one day everything was fine and then the next, things were falling apart. I don't know if there's more to the story that Gabe just isn't telling me about, but it's their business, and the only thing I can do is be there for my friend.
"Yup" He says cynically, "Almost complete radio silence."
"I don't understand." I tell him, truthfully. In all the time that I've known Gabe, I can count on my hands how many times I've talked to his dad. His mom is warm and kind and makes me feel welcome, but his dad always keeps to himself and only acknowledges me when I'm at their house. Still, I didn't expect him to be like this- and I remind myself to give Gabe the space to tell me when he's ready.
He sighs again, "Maybe it's better this way, Dust." He looks at me with that same misty-eyed look, though this time it's not out of happiness, but despair.
"I'd rather not have a dad, than live with the ghost of a father."
I choose not to respond to that. It's so dark and raw and the last thing I want is to force him to reconsider his words. This is how he feels, and no matter what anyone says, it's valid.
Instead, I lean over and hug him again, feeling his scent enter my nose as I breathe him in, desperately trying to suck all the bad energy from his body.
If there was a way I could take the pain away from him, then I would, in a heartbeat.
***
It's two days after Gabe and I went clubbing and I'm just lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling. I can hear the cars driving by as my phone goes off. I sluggishly reach for it and see three texts from Gabe, not surprised since he's such a morning person and has probably just come back from a run.
I read, dipping into his voice as I scroll through the messages.
