December, 2023
"Good evening, Mr. Reynolds. I hope you enjoyed the show. We haven't seen you for some time."
"I was doing the European tour for most of the last year, Fritz," I said. Fritz had worked the backstage at Lincoln Center's Koch Theater for as long as I could remember—since before my first ballet here, a couple of months shy of turning nineteen. He had worked his way up to backstage manager just as I had worked my way from the dance line to principal roles. "I've been touring the ballets there, checking out how other companies do it." I didn't say that I only was back in New York now because the pandemic had lessened enough that they could do Frank's memorial service.
"I hope you haven't given up dancing," Fritz said. "You were the best Cavalier in the annual productions we did here of
The Nutcracker
back in the day."
"That was twenty years ago, Fritz," I said. "No, I haven't danced in a ballet for some time. Not since . . ." I couldn't bring myself to say it.
"Not since Mr. Carlton died?"
"No, not since Frank left us. I always danced for him." I could talk to Fritz about this. He had always been understanding. And he'd idolized Franklin Carlton, who had been a mainstay here. His money had helped provide these productions.
"When they said we could do
The Nutcracker
again this year, I'd hoped you'd be back—maybe in the role of Herr Drosselmeyer. The production just doesn't seem the same without you in some role."
"It doesn't seem the same to me to be watching from the audience and not in it in some role, I admit," I said. "Maybe next year."
"I do hope so," Fritz said. "When did you first start in it here? You must have been a child."
"I was eighteen, in the background dance line. I think I had four costume changes. In the early eighties."
"Well, it's good to see you again backstage. Are those flowers for anyone in particular?"
* * * *
December, 1983
I was nearly nineteen. I wanted to be a professional ballet dancer in the worst way. It was my first professional production,
The Nutcracker
, with the New York Ballet, at Lincoln Center, my first visit to New York. It was a beginning, but it threatened to be an end too. I couldn't afford to go on—not unless I found a way to earn more. I was willing to do about anything to be able to continue trying in the New York ballet, and I had some assets in addition to the dancing ability. I was young, good-looking, very fit albeit sight and lithe, and I'd gone with men before. I wasn't coerced to go with men. That had been a choice completely independent of the ballet. So, it was natural to use that as I could. I was headed to the Long Island shore opposite Fire Island to use that.
"They're just renting it for the week. It doesn't belong to any of the men who will be at the party, Adam."
I had remarked on how lush the mansion was that Gregor was bringing Kyle, Win, and me to as candy for a private Christmas multiday party in an area called Babylon, on Long Island. The driveway was long, flanked by now-leafless trees that a hunk of a black man was stringing white fairy lights on as we drove up to the house. I looked up at him where he balanced on a ladder and he stared back down at me with a knowing smile. My body quivered.
Did he know what sort of party I and the other guys were coming to? Did he know that we were the entertainment? We obviously were too young to be guests at a party in a venue like this.
I didn't feel guilty nor was I embarrassed about coming to this party and letting men cover me. I was only eighteen—so were Kyle and Win—but we were all mentally old and tough for our ages. We knew what we had to do to get ahead in professional ballet. We were all in New York City for December, gathered from across the country. I was training at the Philadelphia Dance Academy, at least through the end of the month when my family no longer could afford tuition there and I'd maybe have to give up my goal of being a premier ballet dancer. What I'd earn from this party plus what little I'd be paid for dancing the line in Tchaikovsky's