Life changes and serious questions for Brad
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The next year became a jumble of 'same old, same old' familiarities mixed in with new spheres of experiences. It seemed as if every part of my life was a combination of both old and new. I tried to present an 'in total control' persona, but it was mostly a facade since I often felt as if I was on a never-ending roller coaster ride.
I still was expected at Derek and Lacy's for dinner at least once a week, and continued to suffer through the 'Let's watch my new porno' foreplay game almost every time. After Lacy had finally managed to get Derek to replace the archaic death-trap couch, I even began to spend an occasional night there after playing cards real late. More than once I had laid there and whacked off when the noises from the bedroom got a little too loud, or when Derek boned me up and bringing back memories by strutting naked through the living room to snatch a needed post-coital towel or wash cloth from the bathroom. In so many ways, nothing had changed between he and I, except that I wasn't the one he turned to any longer when needing relief. On a happier note, Lacy and I continued to build on our own friendship and became like brother and sister almost. Because of the happy life she was evidently providing Derek, I had grown to really like her.
School was going well even though I had declared a second major in finance after discovering I enjoyed the courses and was told by a professor that I had a natural talent for it. It would add an additional summer semester to my schedule, but I figured the trade off of having more career opportunities would be worth it. While Derek seemed very satisfied with the grocery business, I wanted something more. Classes also gave me the chance to keep up some semblance of social contact, although I rarely mixed off campus with the other students who were most all at least three or four years younger than me.
Working at the Krogers had become almost drudgery to me. The tedious routine of any job outside of management just didn't hold my attention. Like KSU, the socialization factor was there, but very limited also. Besides Derek and the occasional hook-up with Jeremy, I pretty much left work, at work.
I did expand my sexual pursuits a little though and maybe once every couple months would go home from someone at the bar. I couldn't quite nail it down for certain...whether it was still a slightly flickering torch for Derek, a smoldering interest in more than fuck-buddy status with Jeremy, or just my own deep rooted desire for something monogamous...but I always felt guilty after a one-night stand. I wanted the physical closeness, but I coveted the emotional bond even more. 'Dating' at the bar seemed to be considered to be anything that involved both of you remembering the other guy's name the next day, and that just wasn't me. Jeremy and I had talked about it after a particularly good romp in the sack one night, and his cynical solution was far too simple: "Just hit the glory hole in the second floor library bathroom when you need something besides your hand and you can't find me." I painfully confessed to him that I had given in to that temptation once and felt like complete trash afterwards. I didn't admit however, that I wished he and I had something a little more resolute than friends that got naked together on a regular basis.
It was just after spring semester mid-terms when the biggest change happened. My money and banking instructor slipped me a notice that was supposed to be posted on the summer jobs bulletin board. It was for an internship with the one, still locally owned, independent bank. "It is actually an open position they are hoping to fill with someone that wants to stay in Kent after graduation," was his explanation. "Check it out, Brad. With your dual major, you would be a natural and the president is a golf partner of mine. Would be happy to give you a good reference." Less than three weeks later, I was giving notice to my store manager that I was taking the offer they had made me to start the first week of June. Of course I had told Derek first, and his response was more than supportive.
"I was always hoping you would stay here in town and this is perfect. This way, we can keep things as they always have been, buddy." I didn't let it show, but internally my eyes rolled several times over at that line. Things would never again be 'as they had been' and I knew it as well as Derek did even though he would never admit it. After nearly six years, Derek still conveniently avoided any mention or apparent recollection of what all our friendship had once included.
My final day at Krogers culminated with an loosely organized farewell barbeque at Derek's. More employees than I thought would showed up, but the promise of free food and a pony keg probably played a part in that. We all seemed to have a good time eating, drinking, bull shitting, and just sitting outside on the grassy slope of the lake edge. By the time the crowd was down to just me, Derek and Lacy, Jeremy, and a few other younger guys from school hanging on for the beer, I was feeling a healthy buzz.
"Looks like the couch for Brad tonight, honey," was the line I heard Lacy utter.
Derek was sitting beside me and chimed in with a poking, "Yeah, he was always a lightweight when it came to beer. Better go find him his favorite pillow." He then pulled me into a half bear hug and added, "Maybe get him a second one in case he is horny too."
"Fuck you both," I jokingly tossed back. "I'm not up for listening to Lacy use the whips on you tonight. I will just walk to my place and come get the truck tomorrow."
As everyone laughed, Jeremy came to my rescue...sort of. "I stopped drinking over an hour ago so I'm in good shape. I'll take the lush to his place and put him to bed." He was sitting on the other side of me and everyone else missed the wink he gave me in the dark, but I didn't. I felt the stirring in my loins knowing damn well what 'put him to bed' probably meant...especially when I felt his hand covertly slide up under the back of my shirt. Derek still had his arm wrapped around me and Jeremy was all but brazenly feeling me up at the same time. My slightly impaired mind began racing with the insane fantasy of both of them at the same time, while also trying to decide if I could get up and walk without my erection showing too badly in the tight shorts I was wearing.
"Get me outta here then, Jeremy," I declared as I rose from the grass. I still think to this day, that the grin Derek gave me as he bear-hugged me goodbye, was from feeling my hard bone up against him. The almost knowing wink that came with it was a telltale sign that he knew something was up with Jeremy too. "Dammit, someday I have got to talk to him about being gay!" Even though I tasked myself with that thought, I also knew it wasn't going to happen any time soon. I think I was as afraid of the potential repercussions as he most likely was of me ever bringing it up. We both had our own set of reservations and quite honestly, I accepted staying in the closet so deeply not because of a fear of rejection, but because I knew he had so much more to lose.
Derek was busy trying to politely shoo away the other partiers when Jeremy and I crawled into his car. Even before we pulled from the driveway, his hand was on my thigh. "Hope you want some company tonight, Brad. It's been a couple weeks ya know." Even if I could have fought the seductive smile on his face, I couldn't have said no to him as his hand moved up to cup my box. "You seem like you are in the mood too."
