[Hey]
I'd been expecting a message from Eric for a while, so I'd had time to plan what I wanted to do about it. I didn't respond, but I did leave it on read. It was a little childish, but he wasn't exactly above that tactic either. I wasn't sure how I felt about the whole thing, because I still had mostly good memories of us.
It had only been about two months from meeting him to the breakup, but most of that had been great. And in the weeks since, I'd gone from furious and miserable to kind of okay about the whole thing. No one's first relationship lasts, and at least Eric had made that quick for me.
Then there was the thing going on with Jamie, which I hadn't even told Ellie about yet. That complicated things, in ways I couldn't quite wrap my head around. I didn't think I was in love with him, or even in danger of going down that path. There were enough signs there to tell me that he didn't think of it as anything more than casual physical fun between friends, and I'd begun to suspect that's exactly how I felt about it too.
There was some power in not being the sex-starved, lonely nerd I'd been before, and I probably had Jamie to thank for that. Maybe that - and needing that to deal with Eric being back in the picture - kind of made the whole situation with Jamie seem more appealing. Eric's message had me confused, a little annoyed, and a little wistful. But one thing I wasn't feeling was desperation.
I let him stew for almost the entire day, and it felt pretty amazing. Like I'd learned how to respect myself. When I eventually relented, it was mostly out of boredom. Sure, I could ride it out and maybe make him grovel, but I just wasn't sure how much I cared about that. I had nothing else to do, and I wanted to see what he was going to say.
______________[Hi.]
[Listen, I realise I put you through a lot, and I've been feeling awful about it. I've been going through some things, which is why I did what I did, but none of it was a good reason for all of that.]
[I'd understand if you never wanted to talk to me again, but if there's any chance you can tolerate me, even for a bit, I'd like the chance to give you a proper apology and try to explain what happened.]
There didn't seem to be more than that coming. I let him stew again, keeping myself busy for half an hour tidying up my room. It seemed appropriate to make him wait a bit, and I wanted to see if he'd offer up anything else. When I got back to my phone and saw that he hadn't, I responded.
______________[In person?]
[Yes.]
That felt like another good point to leave him hanging, but I was already out of things to do. So I typed and erased a few responses - most of them not even real messages. I just wanted it to look like I was typing a paragraph to him and stress him out, if I couldn't make him wait. I was still feeling a little bit petty, and willing to indulge that impulse. Eventually, I settled on what I knew I was going to send him anyway.
______________[I don't know. How about a preview?]
[Hahah]
[Okay, yeah, that's fair]
[Well, Sorry.]
[I fucked up - I did a stupid thing, and then I did a worse thing, and the whole time I should have been more considerate of your feelings.]
[I'm messed up inside, and I shouldn't have let it spill out to hurt you.]
I let out a deep breath. I hadn't been quite prepared for him to say something like that. It's not like he'd ever been really honest or introspective, so hearing it now was oddly comforting. I was almost expecting him to brush the whole thing off, as if it had never happened. When he didn't, it made me miss him quite intensely, if only for a second.
______________[Wow.]
______________[Good preview.]
[Yeah?]
[Can I see you?]
______________[Okay.]
[When are you free?]
With prelims approaching, I'd actually started marking my calendar with what I was doing each day. Louis and Angela's influence, I guess. We were planning regular study groups, here at my house, so I'd had to make sure I could keep track of all of them. Nothing derails me more than people unexpectedly showing up at my door. My week actually was mostly booked - either AP maths classes or study group meetings on the days between. It was only Saturday afternoon though, and I didn't have anything planned tomorrow, but I wanted to test a theory.
______________[Next Friday only, I guess. Or maybe tonight.]
[Wow, okay]
[I could do tonight]
I don't know if it told me much that he wasn't doing something on a Saturday. Half his friends weren't talking to him, and school was starting to get more serious as we approached prelims - even for the North Grove kids. But it was at least a little gratifying. A moment of panic flared in me - it occurred to me that I'd need to look good. I messaged Ellie.
______________[What are you doing?]
[Unfortunately nothing]
[Don't tell anyone]
[I have a reputation to maintain]
______________[I have a need-to-look-nice emergency.]
______________[Can you come over?]
[Sure!]
[What, like a date?]
______________[Not exactly. I'll explain when you get here.]
I messaged Eric.
______________[Okay.]
______________[Vecchio? At like 7?]
[Sure]
[See you there]
That gave me just over an hour to get ready. Ellie showed up after a few minutes, and I explained the situation to her. She wasn't happy, but she reluctantly agreed that I'd need to look good if I was seeing him again - even if she really disapproved of it in the first place.
"Why are you even doing this?" She flicked through my shirts with a frown on her face.
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because he's a bastard."
"He's not a bastard, he's just got stuff going on." I shrugged, and tugged a shirt from the rail. "Besides, I'm not just automatically going to take him back. I just want to hear what he has to say."
"I suppose." She sighed. "Not that one. You need to wear something more casual. You can't make it look like you tried to dress up."
