When my emotions become overwhelming, I rush to set down my thoughts. I never know where they are going. For most of my life, I have not had a plan...not one that I actually followed, that is. Now, with the years advancing upon me, there is a real urgency to finally set one goal, and work to achieve it. I will not die alone.
I am through with being alone - living alone, eating alone, sleeping alone. Thoughts well up inside of me and start to coalesce way before they enter my consciousness. If I do not find an outlet like this, I descend into a flurry of sobs and tears that drag me into deep depression and pain. It all has a certain logic to it, that I have come to fully understand. I have plied the depths of my memory; and forced open the vaults of personal history that were once tightly shut. Vaults that held the reasons for my lifelong loneliness and anguish have given up their contents. That much is done.
The challenge now, as it has been for the last five years, is to move past understanding and into action. Oh, I have made some lifestyle improvements. I have learned to value myself as a person - to regain some of the self worth and confidence that was lost so long ago. Trauma of the mental and emotional type can have a lasting effect. Mine has lasted way too long. In hindsight, I have been wallowing in a form of self-pity; and have neglected to push past my past once and for all.
Anyway, I have to meet a friend for dinner. His name is Ben. Ben and I met at work about a month ago. We were chatty right from the start...a playful kind of humorous camaraderie laced with subtle sexual innuendo. He is hot. There is a hint of European to his look. He is a match to me in height, weight, build and ass. My ass is a good one. Ben's ass is way beyond good. Only twice before have I been friends with such a beautiful man. My first roommate in college was everything a guy should be: handsome, intelligent, well mannered, studious, built like a stud. That was Stewart.
Stewart was the kind of guy you tried to get close to in any possible way. You breathed in deeply whenever he came near. You touched him 'bro' style whenever you could. You beat off to the fantasy of making love to and with Stewart. You sank into despair every time this straight stud spoke to or about his girlfriend. He confided every possible piece of juicy information regarding his relationship with her. The dorm room we shared was small, guaranteeing a near-naked view of my hottie roommate on a daily basis.
Kent was a co-worker at the Air Force hospital where I served my laboratory training. A group of us there had become fast friends; and we rented a small country cottage together to live 'off base'. Kent was everything I felt I was not. He was textbook handsome in a Hollywood way. He was muscular like a toned model. His smile could melt steel. His voice was like honey. We all went on a trip to snow country once, on a break. He came face-to-face with a relative of one of us on our first night there. I watched the movie unfold before me. They had stopped in their tracks about four feet apart. the Universe went into slow motion.
Kent smiled. She smiled. Nobody moved. I could see their thoughts. They were charged and ready to electrify each other from their first glance. The two of them were inseparable for the weekend. Pure lust. Pure sex. I lusted after Kent for a year before that weekend. As with Stewart, my 'sex' with Kent was a solo performance...with lots of curtain calls! The one bathroom we all shared that weekend had a nice big and deep tub. Kent soaked out the days activities as I washed up at the sink, towel around my waist. The mirror gave me a perfect view of his wet and wonderful body. Then she popped her head in to have a look.
"Get in with me - I won't do anything!" He cooed those words to HER, not to me.
Ben is soft-spoken and almost docile in nature. Yet when he helped me move to a new apartment, it became obvious just how strong he really is. He rode shotgun in the truck I rented. By days end his efforts and his scent had me hot as hell. Did I mention it was winter?! The confines of the truck made for some good and revealing conversation.
"Yeah. I kind of thought you were gay." Ben was direct when he spoke.
I came out to him in the hopes that...well, that he would open up to me; and turn my fantasies about him into reality. What resulted was a good listener, who offered to help me find a guy!
