Road Trip

Quinn & Jay's story—

Quinn:

High school sucked. Really bad. It was all so juvenile. I felt like I was surrounded by a bunch of overgrown thirteen year olds. And even when I turned eighteen in December of my senior year, it never got any better. The classes sucked, the teachers sucked, the kids sucked...the school sucked. The only good thing to come out of high school was my friendship with my crew. Sean, Sebastian and Jay are my best friends. No matter where life takes us, they always will be.

The biggest problem was what I look like. I can't help it; I have blond hair, blue eyes, smooth skin, sharp cheekbones and deep dimples. I also naturally appear to be wearing eyeliner, even though I never have. Call it heredity or the luck of the draw in the gene pool, I don't know, but I didn't choose it. Sean, who is actually really cute but mistakenly believed he was the most average kid in the school, once told me that I look like I belong in a Tommy Hilfiger ad. I would rather look tough and cool, but that's not the hand I was dealt.

Most of the girls found me cute. Well, half of them anyway. A quarter of them were "sad girls", a quarter of them were "mean girls" and half them just stared at me like I was more a dream than a boy. I would get invited to parties I never wanted to go to and dances I'd sooner jab a sharp stick in my eye than attend. Some of the girls were nice enough. I felt bad turning them away. The problem for them was that I could never be the solution to their problem. I had no interest in them. I was as gay as the cast of Glee. And totally in the closet at school. This is Missouri.

The boys were the big problem. Also about half of them. About 40% of them left me alone while 10% of them shamefully looked at me the same way the girls did. With the remaining 50%, my looks made me a target. They were jealous of the attention I got from the girls. The name calling was no big deal - Quinn the Queen and Quinn the Queer were the most common - but it didn't stop there. They'd knock, push and kick me around just because they could. Just to prove something to who knows who.

But college is the polar opposite of high school. I'm "out" in college and I've never been punched once or called a single name out of irrational hate. So yes, I love college. But college doesn't have my best friends. I miss them.

It's late December and we're all home for winter break. It's the first time we've seen each other in more than four months ago. In these last four months we've texted and kept up with each other through social media, but we're dudes. We're like all intentionally casual about it. But we're getting together for a week starting tonight and I'm ridiculously excited. I'm like a kid on Christmas morning.

Because our Spring Breaks won't line up, we decided to take a New Year's week road trip to the Keys. We're all eighteen and nineteen now and we convinced our parents to let us go. And it's Jay who's getting to borrow his mom's minivan for the week. Tonight we're all sleeping over at Sean's house so we can get an early start in the morning.

Only one of my three best friends knows I'm gay. Well, at least he strongly suspects. I suspect the same of him. We've given each other reasons to fuel these suspicions - real, physical, live action reasons - but the actual words have not been spoken. What's gonna happen on this road trip? Will we finally tell each other? Will I tell all three of them? How will they react? We are all Missouri boys, but my friends wouldn't be my friends if they were assholes. I'm anxious for this night to begin.

Jay:

I'm the first to arrive at Sean's house. His dad is out for the night - the whole night - spending it with his new girlfriend. That sounds shitty, but Sean's dad is actually super cool. He raised Sean alone and now that Sean is an adult and has been away at school, he's been able to focus some on himself. Sean's mom just up and abandoned them when Sean was just two years old. In my eyes, Sean's dad is a hero. He's still a lame adult, but in the best possible way. Sean once told me that his dad gave him a box of condoms on his fourteenth birthday. That right there says it all. Simultaneously cool and lame. And the two of them are a team. They love each other so much that it makes me happy and sad at the same time. Happy for them and sad that my dad and I don't have even 10% of what Sean and his dad have.

I'm the only black guy in our group. Sean and Quinn are white and Seb is Cuban. Seb has an olive complexion, wavy brown hair and big brown eyes. Sean has lighter brown hair and green eyes. Quinn has blond hair and blue eyes. The three of them are all between 5' 8", 140 and 5' 10", 160. I am 6' 2", 190. My 190 is mostly muscle. I'm the only real athlete in our group, but that doesn't bother me. Sean says I like slumming it with the geeks. He says I'm the only cool guy in our lame group. It's not true. All four of us are cool.

Sean beams his warm smile and gestures me inside. He places his hand on my shoulder and raises an eyebrow, "Dude! Are you getting bigger? You freaking huge!"

I laugh and we chat for a while, waiting for the others. Quinn appears next and Seb is close behind. It's Seb, of course, who draws us all in for a group hug. I've been looking forward to this week since we planned it over group text a month ago.

Quinn:

We're playing video games in the finished basement, all four of us crammed on the one couch. The couch is meant to seat three, so we have exceeded the recommended capacity limit. We are thighs-touchingly close together. All three of my friends are exceptionally cute, but I've decided that I need my friends much more than I need a dead-end crush. I refuse to be attracted to them. Or at least I try not to be. This close proximity and all the jostling are stirring up some feels inside of me. Especially feels for one in particular. So yeah, all three of them are cute but one of them, and he knows this for true, has a spell on me. But I need to ignore that.

And maybe that one is gay too. It hasn't been verbally confirmed, but even if he is... Okay, fine. He totally is gay too, and while it wasn't with words, we did "come out" to each other way back in April. It was the Wednesday afternoon before Easter after school. The beginning of a six-day long holiday weekend. We made a connection but we only took it so far. For complicated family reasons (read: his father) he can't "come out". I don't blame him. He didn't choose his family situation. And honestly, I'm not officially "out" with our friends yet either.

Of course I've been relegated to one of the middle spots on the couch where I'm squished between two warm-bodied, good looking guys. We're bumping shoulders, rubbing thighs and grazing socked feet that are propped up on the coffee table. While intellectually I don't want to crush on any of my friends, physically I am a hormonal nineteen year old. All this contact and body heat is taking its toll. It's making my face flush and cock stiffen. I hope no one notices. An erection would be hard to explain.

We finish playing games and it's already pushing 11:00. We want to hit the road by 7:00AM. We should be going to sleep. We can't. We're all too buzzed about this mini reunion and the week ahead of us. We all ate dinner with our families hours ago, but we're young men. We're hungry again. Seb says, "Seany, let's order Pizza!"

Jay:

After pizza, we decide that maybe a movie will wind us down so we can get some sleep. Sean and Seb have volunteered to drive the first two shifts in the morning. We figure four 4-hour shifts should do it. Jay and I stake our claims on the recliners while Sean and Seb retake the couch. While we are four best friends, we also kind of default into these pairs within the group. It's an unspoken thing, but it's real.

As we watch the movie, I hear odd noises coming from the couch. Because of the shape and length of the room, the couch is set back from the reclines and Sean and Seb are kind of behind us. If I turned around to see what's going on, it would be super obvious. I try to tune out the movie and tune into my friends. Seb is giggling. I sneak a quick peek and they don't notice. Seb is lying back and though they're under the cover of a blanket, I can tell that his feet are in Sean's lap. Is Sean tickling him? Seb giggles again. Yes! Sean is tickling Seb's feet and it looks like Seb is not only enjoying it, but he's asking for it. The giggling stops and it looks like Sean has transitioned to a gentle massage. Seb laces his hands behind his head, closes his eyes and smiles in blissful delight. What is going on back there? Is this just two playful friends horsing around? No. This is not wrestling or play-fighting. This is tender and gentle. This is affection. The blanket falls away just above Seb's knees and his sherpa fleece lounge pants are tented with a massive erection. Oh boy! I turn back to the movie.

Quinn:

I drifted off there for a while, but the loud music that plays with the end credits wakes me up. Jay and I rise from the recliners and I'm surprised to see Sean and Seb both sound asleep on the narrow couch. Sean is behind Seb, between his body and the back of the couch. They're sleeping back to front and head to toe. I guess they just accidentally fell asleep that way during the movie. I'm not the only one who drifted off.

I ask Jay, "Should we rip off that blanket?"

Jay's eyes widen for a moment, then quickly return to normal. "No," he says. "They're driving the first shifts. Just let them sleep."

So we do. We head up the stairs. As I follow Jay, I'm in almost a trance staring at the way his muscular shoulders and back move beneath his tight-fitting t-shirt. My friend is a physical specimen to behold. He's six foot two but his tuft of curly black hair adds at least another inch. He might weigh 50 pounds more than me, but it's all muscle under taught ebony skin. At the top of the stairs, I follow him into the family room. He turns to face me. His almond shaped brown eyes weaken my knees.

For a moment we stand there looking at each other. Then he smiles and gives me a slight nod. We're only twelve feet apart but I run. I run, jump and leap at him, wrapping my arms and legs around him like a boa constrictor. He stumbles and we fall backwards onto the sofa, laughing. I pin his arms down above his head and he plays along letting me have my fun. He pretends like little me has the muscleman overpowered. And then I kiss him. It's been too many months.

I kiss his forehead, his lips, his nose, his lips, his cheek, his lips, his chin, his lips, his other cheek, his lips, his eye, his lips, his ear, his lips, his other eye, his lips, his other ear, his lips, his tongue, his lips. And then I find his neck. When I kiss his neck, he giggles like he really is being dominated. I know that's a tickle spot for him and I go at it like crazy. He sprouts goosebumps everywhere. I can feel another bump sprouting too. This is a bigger bump. It's under me and it's becoming even bigger with each passing second.

After months apart I'm finally seeing Jay, smelling Jay, tasting Jay and touching Jay. Without warning I drill my fingers into his open armpits. I've never done this before and it takes him by surprise as he grasps my hands and barks out a laugh.

"Quinn, what are you doing?"

"That was for getting a little too touchy-feely downstairs when we were playing video games. You were leaning into me pretty good there and pushing me right into Sean. Who knows what he thinks I was doing?"

Jay:

I nod my head and he gives me that crooked grin that only I notice. That crooked grin melts my insides. He runs, jumps and I let him tackle me to the couch. I love pretending to be at Quinn's mercy. He goes at my neck, knowing it drives me crazy in the best possible way. But then he surprises me with an attack on my armpits. It's out of character and it breaks the mood. I grab his hands and ask him what he's doing.

He tells me I was too obvious in front of our friends. Was I? It is true that I just spent the last four and a half months separated from the guy that I think about every day. The guy that I dream about every night. And then suddenly, there he was. Next to me. Right next to me. Against me, really. I'm only human. A horny teenaged human. I thought that I had put on a display of extreme self-control.

I tell Quinn, "I think Sean might have been a little too busy thinking about the boy on the other side of him to consider anything either of us might have been doing."

He scrunches his nose, "What do you mean?"

"I don't know. Maybe it's nothing. As our week together progresses, make up your own mind. You tell me what you think."

"You mean you think they're..." he leaves the thought unfinished. He and I leave a lot of things unfinished. We leave both thoughts and actions unfinished every time we're together. It's the one thing about being with Quinn that's frustrating. We're always stopping. We've never completely said what we've needed to say or finished what we've wanted to do. And the worst part is that it's all my fault.

I tell the young man who completely owns my heart, "Maybe. I don't know. It's not my place to say."

He moves off of me and I sit up. He says, "Jay, let's talk."

The last time we really talked was the only time we really talked. It was that Wednesday afternoon last April sitting at his kitchen table. It was the last day of school before a long six-day Easter weekend. I had stayed after school for baseball practice and Quinn, I would later learn, had a make-up lab for his Chemistry class. The school was almost empty when I rounded a corner to see two guys at the end of a long hallway beating up a third guy. The third guy was my friend Quinn. I started sprinting but they heard me. They dropped him and ran. I couldn't give chase because my friend was crumpled on the floor. I helped him up and he was able to stand. He assured me that nothing was broken and that he'd be alright. He told me that the crisis was over and that I should just go home. So, I took his advice but the home I went to was his, not mine. I placed my arm around his shoulders and he leaned on me the whole way.

I demanded to know who the guys were. Quinn never told me. That was probably the right move because I surely would have been expelled if not arrested for what I would have done to them. I asked him what that was all about and he looked at me but said nothing. I pressed the issue and he finally admitted to what had been going on for three years.

He said he never wanted us, his three friends, to know. It was his burden to bear. He said he had always just dealt with it and now, high school was almost over. But thinking back, there were small clues that I missed. Maybe if I had been a better friend I would have asked why he sometimes grimaced when he sat down at the lunch table or why he always wore long sleeves. But I didn't ask. I didn't ask and that's why I suck. I said to Quinn, "Show me."

He shook his head, "Jay, you don't want to—"

"Quinn!" I cut him off. "Show me." I had been cleaning up his wounds with a first aid kit I found in his bathroom as we were having this conversation. I closed the kit.

Quinn stood and lifted his shirt. Tears immediately sprang to my eyes. I said, "All the way."

He pulled the shirt off. His chest, his arms, his stomach and his ribs were all covered in bruises of varying ages and in various colors. I could only imagine the array of punches and kicks that rained down on my friend. And why? For what?

I said, "Turn around."

He did. His back was just as bad. How fucking dare anyone lay an unwanted hand on this beautiful, brilliant, kind, gentle boy. I wanted to punch something. I wanted to scream. I wanted to kill someone.

Quinn put his shirt back on and I asked him through gritted teeth, "What will your parents say about this?"

He shook his head, "They're visiting my sick aunt out of town for the long weekend. For the next six days I'm sleeping over at Sean's house. I'll be gone before they get home from work tonight and they won't see me again until dinner Tuesday night. I have six days to heal."

"What have they said?"

He dropped his head, "They don't know. My injuries are usually covered by my clothes and I've gotten good at concealing the evidence. Today's assholes were more careless than usual."

That word almost killed me.

Usual.

Fuck! I slapped the table and he jumped. "Sorry," I said. "Look, Quinn. Your parents love you. They could help. They could talk to the principal—"

He put his hand on my arm, "Jay, it's almost over. It's not worth it. I'd just be more of a target than I already am."

I looked down at his hand on my arm. His white fingers on my dark skin. The contrast was striking. Beautiful. I looked up and said, "No one should ever be touched in any unwelcome manner."

He quickly pulled his hand away, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—"

I grabbed his hand, "That is

so

not what I meant."

I leaned forward and he blinked. I nodded and he did too. And then we were kissing. I was kissing the boy I'd been dreaming of kissing for most of high school. And then we stopped kissing. Our first stop.

I said, "My dad..."

He nodded. He knew. My dad has made his thoughts, opinions and feelings on many subjects crystal clear. He has expectations and how I live my life is not up to just me. Not until I am a self-sufficient adult making my own way in the world. Quinn is both the wrong gender and color to be more than my friend.

Quinn said, "It's okay, Jay," and my heart broke all over again.

This brave, beautiful boy had been a human punching bag. I'd let him down for the past three years and now I was letting him down again. Except this time it was worse because I knew it.

I noticed he was limping on the walk home. One of the kicks must have gotten him on the inner ankle. I lifted his leg and placed his foot in my lap. I said, "Let me see."

"Jay..." but it was too late. I slipped his shoe off his foot and his foot was wrapped in the craziest sock I'd ever seen. I was a powder blue background and covered in rainbow ice cream cones.

I looked at him and we both laughed a much needed, tension reducing laugh. But our talk was over. We spent the next four months pretending to only be friends, but sometimes when we were together, we'd lean into it a little. Not too much. Nothing too obvious. And on the rare occasions it was just the two of us, well... We'd do what we just finished doing. Then we left for college and now here we are. And I guess we're about to talk again.

Quinn:

"Jay, let's talk," I say.

"About Sean and Seb?" he jokes.

I can't not smile. I swat his arm, "No..."

We're not big talkers. Not about real things anyway. Important things. But we need to. We're about to leave on this trip with no school, no parents, just four nineteen year olds and one week of no responsibilities. I need to know what to expect.

I mean, I know how he feels. That's been clear since last April. And if I needed reconfirmation, I just got it in the form of his massive erection pressing against my thigh as I kissed the shit out of him and he let me. He likes me.

I also know because he spent the last six weeks of high school glued to my side as my unsolicited protector. If anyone so much as looked at me funny passing in the hall, he would smash that someone into the row of lockers. Word got out quickly and no one messed with me again.

But he can't tell his truth. He can't be who he is. I get it. It sucks, but I get it. His dad would disown him. He would be kicked out and wouldn't even be able to afford college. He has to weigh the cost of staying in the closet for a few more years against the cost of losing his education and his future. It's really a no-brainer.