ZACH
I sat there in shock, trying to process everything that I had just heard. My mind raced with a million questions. I couldn't bring myself to ask a single one.
Colin stared at me with nervous eyes, looking like a puppy who knew he'd done something wrong.
"Well?" he asked. "Please, Zachary, say something."
He put his hand on mine, squeezing it softly. I took my hand away, unable to bring myself to look at him.
"I thought that the moment I realized I had been kidnapped was the worst moment of my life," I said quietly. "When I woke up bound and gagged not knowing where I was... it was absolutely terrifying. I couldn't see anything around me, couldn't move my hands. I could just feel that the ground was moving underneath my feet. I knew that I was being taken somewhere, but I had no idea how I had gotten there, or where you were..."
I looked up at him, my jaw growing firm. Colin's eyes were full of pain.
"The only thing that's kept me going these last two days was the thought that you were out there somewhere, that you were looking for me. I wanted to see you again so badly. Now, to have you here..."
I stared at Colin. He was still so beautiful, even after all this. It was astonishing, really, that even now I found myself longing to reach out and touch his face. The man I had fantasized over for years, who I'd felt so lucky to meet, as though God himself had delivered him to me...
He looked so small to me in that moment.
"I was wrong," I said, wiping away a tear. "THIS is the worst moment of my life. Now that I know that it was all a lie, that you never really cared about me-"
"I do care about you," said Colin, reaching for me again.
"No you don't!" I said angrily. He pulled his hand back, shocked.
"You say you love me but you don't. You don't have any idea what it means to love someone. Do you know why, Colin?" My face grew into a sneer. "Because you're fucking crazy."
Colin's face fell. I could tell I was hurting him. I didn't care.
"You're fucking insane, are you aware of that?" I continued. "You joined a cult. You don't just walk away from that."
Colin screwed up his face in confusion. "It's not a cult," he said.
My eyes widened. "Are you kidding me? After all that, you really think Ecclesium is, what? A self-help group?"
"We ARE helping people, Zach. Just because Dominus turned out to be a liar doesn't mean we aren't doing good work-"
"Oh, please, spare me the R&R bullshit. I just listened to an hour of it, I'll remind you."
Colin was breathing heavily. I could tell his anger was wrestling with his own feelings of guilt. He worked hard to calm himself down.
"I do love you, Zach," he said finally.
I scoffed. "You know, when you love someone, really love them, you don't lie to them. You never do anything to them that would bring them harm or put them in danger. You put them before yourself, before your own needs and your own self-aggrandizing delusions of grandeur."
Tears came to Colin's eyes. "But... I- I did," he stammered. "I tried to... I came here for you-"
"Out of your own guilt!" I shouted. "Because your face was all over the news and you knew you were going to spend the rest of your life in prison."
"No!" Colin yelled. He got close to me, his face screwed up in anger. "I would gladly spend the rest of my life in prison if it would get you free. But I knew that I was the only one who would be able to find you. To rescue you!"
I laughed in his face. "Yeah, well look at how fucking great that turned out."
Colin's face crumpled. The tears were spilling out now. I could tell I was breaking him, that I was pushing him past the point that he could handle, but I was so angry in that moment that all I wanted to do was hurt him.
"You took advantage of me, you pretended to like me-"
"I DID like you-"
"PRETENDED to be attracted to me, when really you were disgusted by me every time I touched you. Admit it! You said as much yourself just now, how your skin crawled when I kissed you-"
"That's not true," said Colin. "Maybe... I wasn't ready the first time, but I am attracted to you-"
"You're fucking straight, Colin!" I yelled. "Hello, news flash!"
Colin grabbed me, holding me tightly by the waist.
"Get off of me!" I yelled, hitting his chest.
"I am attracted to you," he growled. "Holding you in my arms... I feel safe and protected just knowing that you're with me."
I tried to push him away, but he wouldn't loosen his grip. "Sure, Colin," I said, rolling my eyes.
"When you kiss me, it's like I can feel this warm glow underneath my skin," he said, his breath hot on my face. "When I take your cock in my hands and stroke you, your pleasure gives me pleasure."
He slid his hand down my pants and grabbed me. I moaned. Despite how angry I was, despite all the fear and the rage, I still moaned at his touch.
"When I taste you in my mouth, it's like this hunger inside me awakens and tears right through me."
He breathed in deeply, smelling my neck. His hand that had been stroking me slipped around to my ass. He slid his finger inside me, my hole still slick with his cum. My knees quivered.
"And when I'm inside you, my body feels so full of joy that every inch of my skin feels like it's on fire. I have never been so attracted to someone in my entire life, and I have NEVER loved anyone the way I love you."
He kissed me with such passion that I almost wanted him to take me again right then and there. I was so angry but I still couldn't help it, I was so turned on. His thick finger invading me felt so good I could hardly resist. To be the man he wanted, the ONLY man he wanted...
It was too good to be true.
I shoved him away. "You lost your right to be inside me when you gave me away to that man."
I walked away from him over to my cot in the corner.
"Zach-"
"Don't," I said, holding up a hand. "Just please, leave me alone. If you really love me, you'll do me a favor and just leave me the fuck alone."
I laid down on my cot and turned away from him to face the wall. I didn't want him to see me cry. I bit the pillow as hard as I could, trying to stifle the sounds of my weeping as it all came crashing down on me. I was truly all alone now. The pain of seeing Colin and feeling that bright spot of hope, only to have it so cruelly taken from me was worse than if I had never seen him again at all.
I could never forgive him, I was certain of that. I didn't care how attracted I was to him, how much my body longed for his. Some things are just unforgivable.
But the part that killed me the most of all wasn't even the betrayal, or the lies, or the fact that I was most likely going to be sent somewhere to die.