Self Therapy!

I don't know what changed only that I was happy and willing to explore a side of myself that I knew would always be there!

About five years ago I was going through a very harsh time in my life. Then only 25, I learned something I would always remember and value. I learned that life didn't happen like the reality shows on television claimed it did. There were no rules in civilisation by which people truly lived. The world was always going to be a selfish place, whether I wanted to believe it or not!

Your best friends weren't there for you when you needed them, problems couldn't be solved by being honest and hard-working and trying to do the right thing was something that earned you a lot of enemies.

Without bothering you as to what my problems were, I can at least tell you two things. One, my problems up until that time weren't regarding my sexuality and, Two, they were so impossible to deal with that to this day I still live in their shadow. My life was ruined already by that time and I was helpless to even find a way to begin again.

I sunk into a world of depression where I lost all control over my vices and I was drowning in alcohol and smoking as much weed as could keep me numb. I was "partying" at least four days a week and telling myself everything was going to be fine so long as I simply surrounded myself with people who did most of the same as I was doing all week round.

Not realising that I was doing too much of this, I had groups of friends here, there and everywhere; friends I'd smoke with, friends I'd drink with and friends that did both. My week was comprised of three separate weekends such was the extent of my bingeing.

And somewhere between blowing my brains out on drugs and drinking myself unconscious still linger the hazy memories of leaving the party, making the phone calls and going to meet anonymous men for sex of any kind.

Fragments of memories linger still of getting home just before sunrise, washing the smells off me -- the smell of their breath, their sweat, their come and their piss -- and brushing my teeth and the far back reaches of my tongue until I puked hard enough to purge the thought from my system.

When I had people to see, I didn't want the thought of sucking dick and other things on my mind when I was with them. I felt like a freak and there's no better way of saying it. I felt like I wanted it, like I deserved it and I felt that it was necessary for me to debauch myself if I was ever going to prove I could live with the horrific life left to me.

I didn't believe I was gay then and I don't fully believe I am now. I wouldn't even accept the term bisexual even though my preference changes often. I see myself as just 'sexually complete!'

But maybe if I hadn't gone through that time in my life, I wouldn't feel this way now. Back then, by day I was a raving homophobe, showing my disgust with anything to do with other men, but by night I was willing to do anything so long as I was fucked up enough.

By the next year, I fulfilled a new resolution to clean myself up, become and stay sober and to try to get my life back on track. Only the staying sober proved the successful resolution however and all that did was to cause all my friends to recede into the past. They were pissed off with me for having been the life of the party and then wanting to swap the party for my responsibilities.

They were right... but then they turned out to be pricks, every last one of them!

For the majority of the last four years, I let all those drunken memories fall behind, I guess, in a bid to clear my mind and try to get my life up and running again. The only thing that had changed was that I started regularly chatting to gay and bisexual men on the internet. I never did it in the hope of no-strings sex or relationships but at the same time, I fantasized a lot and found that indeed, men paid me more attention than women and seemed to be able to know how to give me a good mind-fuck when I needed one.

But I continued to have relationships with women and the internet chatting stopped when I was with them. Maybe because I was getting all the sex I needed. But whenever I went back to that old guilty pleasure, I started to realise it went deeper than men being able to figure me out better or knowing what I liked.

In the end, I discovered that not only did I want to explore my sexuality seriously with other men but that after everything I already had done -- with men and women -- the one territory I had yet to discover was not simply fucking someone of the same gender as me or finding new fetishes to explore with women.

I found myself being highly excited by the prospect of making love with a man, getting to know them, learning to trust them, submitting to them and enjoying what people enjoy most when they're in love. I wanted to fall into an experience with a man just like I'd first fallen when I lost my virginity to a woman.

It didn't have much chance of happening I thought because I never wanted to be gay or live with the label or stigma and both the negativity AND positivity that goes with the lifestyle. I was just me, no one who needed to be recognised for who or what I was.

Sometime after I came out of therapy, being given a clean bill of health and a life plan, my goal was simply to enjoy as much of life as I could, was it not? It was only eventual from there that I seriously sought after my desires, at least to put things right where I'd started off horribly wrong.

By the strangest of chances, I'd found myself striking up an online friendship with a transsexual by the name of Jasmine, who lived some hundred miles away from me. I originally thought her a born-female until I read her profile. Having explained to her that it was simply my goal to live with an open mind and to "never-say-never", we became enduring chat-buddies quite quickly and for a long time.

We began swapping jokes, life experiences and small-talk in general about the working week and about relationships but when the subject of sex finally arose, I found I could never talk to her without getting rock hard with excitement. Here was a woman that had once been a man, who had learned for years to become the woman he/she always wanted to be. Most of all, she had perfected the art of seduction like I had never before witnessed and without ever having sex chat online or off, she got me fantasizing obsessively about all the things she said she liked to do with her men.

It was in the middle of the night, during last year's summer that I awoke startled after the most erotic dream I'd ever had in my life- She was crawling up between my legs beneath the bedcovers, writhing like a snake. I remember not being able to see, but experiencing the most mind-blowing orgasm ever as she devoured my burning erection with her silky hot mouth, feeling her hands exploring my naked body.

She continued to make her way up the bed until our bodies locked in an embrace and we indulged in a slow and passionate kiss, deep and wet, tasting each other...

Before I knew it, my legs were aside me, bent at the knees. We were face to face and our roles as man and woman had swapped. She was inside me, driving home her hard cock as I felt it sliding deeper and deeper. I felt so much love for her and wanted her to come inside me and orgasm after orgasm coaxed my senses into submission. Just seeing her on top of me, our bodies joined at the middle, both of us sweating and breathing heavily, whispering beneath our breaths...

I told her about the dream and added that it was the most erotic thing I'd experienced in my own mind. I told her that I maybe even wanted it to come true some day and she suggested we meet for lunch one day... That never happened unfortunately as she found herself a boyfriend and as much as I thought he wouldn't be, the guy became permanent to her.

We still stayed friends but after all this time, I realised I'd come to a turning point where anything was possible so long as I kept going. I started to chat to men again but found my reality turned upside down by the difference between these men and the ever seductive Jasmine. They didn't have her nature, her passionate but caring nature that made me feel so open.

I became so frustrated that I did something I probably should have done so many years ago. I went online and ordered a realistic 7" dildo and a bottle of lubricant. My point of reason for this being that if I ever truly wanted to go through with the experience that I should at least find out safely if I could ever enjoy it!

Did I?

I'd waited two weeks for my parcel to turn up in the post and when it did, I immediately took it upstairs and ran a bath. Just looking at the perfectly shaped dildo as I took it out of the box, I submitted to the urge to close my mouth around it and give it a long, slow sucking. Bad memories did not return but instead, I found myself wishing I was doing this to a real guy and thinking that after all the blowjobs I'd received in my life, I was probably miles better at it than any girlfriend I'd ever had.

I stripped down and climbed into the steaming hot water and began preparing myself, washing my body first before starting to pay attention to my anus. I soaped up liberally with a handful of shower gel and inserted a finger, then rinsed.

I repeated the process, realising that the sensations it caused were giving me one hell of a hard-on. I kept concentrating on my arsehole though, refusing to let my masculine urges get in the way that night. By the time I felt I was clean enough, I raised myself out of the water and rinsed off, then began saturating myself with the lubricant.

I resumed finger-fucking myself when I thought I was greased up enough and the sensations were out of this world, not only feeling the nerves inside responding to my touch, but noticing with the feeling in my fingertips how similarly deep inside my arse felt just like a woman's pussy. I added another finger and found that I could easily reach in until my knuckles were touching my tailbone.

I looked over to the dildo and just knew that I was ready for this new experience but I got out of the bath and chose to move into the bedroom for this. Drying off, I took a clean towel with me along with my new friend and the bottle of lube.

I lay down on the bed, first on my back and spread my legs just like I remember in the dream where Jasmine was screwing me. Popping the lid on the lube bottle and placing the towel beneath my arse, I began to massage a handful of the stuff into myself, spreading it up the crack, over my balls and treating my cock to a brief, warm, slippery massage.

Again I took the rubber cock and began to suck on it, holding it steady by the balls, rolling my tongue around its head and deepthroating it until I was so horny that I couldn't wait. But I knew I had to be patient.

Lubing up the dildo to completion, I shifted myself until I was comfortably ready and began to slide it up and down between my cheeks. With one hand, I fingered myself some more, feeling myself having loosened considerably. With the other, with dildo in hand, I found my anus -- slippery wet and ready -- and began to apply pressure gently, head first.

I'd read up on anal sex a lot over those past months and spoke a lot to Jasmine about it, so I was careful and knew what sensations to expect. The muscles contracted at the presence of this new creature, not knowing what to do, although I was relaxed enough to let it happen. I pushed carefully and felt myself widen but not painfully. At least not yet!

I knew that getting the whole thing in was going to make me feel like I was going to need the toilet but that since I'd cleaned myself out, the feeling was just going to have to be ignored. As I told myself this, pushing inwards and feeling the pain of stretching begin to take over, I slowed down, bracing myself. My toes cramped and I found myself making fists with my feet, gritting my teeth but not willing to stop.

I had come this far and I was damned if I was going to go no further without coming...

With a slip, the head pushed in and the pain resided. I knew that the base of the penis would easily follow behind now that the wider glans had made it inside me. I pushed all the way and to feel that cock, now hot thanks to my own body temperature, sliding effortlessly in and rubbing up against my pussy walls... I felt like a woman!

There was still some pain, obviously the confused sensation of blockage in an uncomfortable place that any straight man would understand without having a cock up his own arse. After some time spent ever so slowly plunging the cock into me and retracting it again, I found that I was too tight to go at much of a faster speed so I tried a different position and turned onto my side with one leg in the air. I felt like a porn star doing a solo feature. I felt it was a shame I wasn't actually a woman and found myself laughing quietly as I carried on.

Now I was more relaxed and able to fuck myself a little faster. On my side I felt the pleasurable sensations work for me better and I was loose enough to really drill myself. I looked at my cock, rigid and standing out straight and was sure it had grown an extra inch. This was the hardest I'd been in years and that was when I came to the revelation that I really did want to be treated like a woman and fucked.

The feeling started deep within, that feeling you get when you've been having sex for hours, butterflies deep down in your stomach. My prostate was staring to respond pleasurably to the new feeling as I mercilessly rubbed up against it with the rubber cock. God, I loved it deep, I loved the feeling of the wetness running out of my stretched arsehole and I didn't want to stop but I couldn't take it anymore.

Possessed, I practically yanked the dildo back out with a loud wet pop. I jammed it back in, all the way in, wincing with the pain but loving it just as much as it hurt. I repeated the process and couldn't get enough. With my free hand, I felt how my rectum had expanded and then took the open bottle, squirting lube straight into myself.

Sinking the dildo back deep into myself, I went at it full speed ahead, feeling this immense orgasm build up deep inside.

It wouldn't come but I was moaning out loud so I followed my new found instinct. Tightening my muscles around the entire dildo buried inside me, I clenched my butt cheeks together and began to stroke my rock hard cock firmly. I couldn't withstand the pleasure. Two separate orgasms building up all at once; I yelled out as the most intense climax rocked my body like a bomb had detonated.

Long squirts of ropy, white come shot out, one after the other but did not cease. I thrust and bucked back and forth, the motion sending my climax back and forth between both cocks like the ball in a pinball machine. One spurt of come led to five, which led to ten and then finally thirteen.

I collapsed, sweating copiously and out of breath, feeling the dildo being forced out of me by the inner muscles of my anus. It dropped onto the bed, resting hot and wet against my leg. I imagined how that would feel if it were attached to a warm human body; how I would react.

Of course, deep down inside me, beyond the warm, wet and worn out part of me; somewhere beyond the immediate desire that had now come to pass, I desired to know. I wanted to go looking, to find out what the real thing was like. I was going to go looking and I was going to get what I wanted, at least for just once in my life...

My fantasy would become a reality much more sooner than I could have expected!

(to be continued)