Sin Deep Loathing

I was not one to believe in astrology, past pretending interest when my boyfriend read my birth chart on our very first date. The subject was at best a source of condescending amusement, seeing how much heart people could put in pseudoscience. I would always tease my boyfriend Josh when he would go on about it, he could talk about that idiotic stuff for hours. It was fair game of me anyway if I made a mean joke he could retort "that's such a Capricorn thing of you to say," and we'll both go on about our day, content in our positions. Astrology recently turned into one of my biggest enemies when said boyfriend broke up with me a week after my parents announced me they were getting a divorce. Something about Aries season he said.

So here I was, kicked out of my own apartment, because of the stars. Aries season my ass. Josh has always been a bit of a leecher so I was convinced he was off to some more well off guy. Aries season, are you kidding me. Must have been the sign of whatever douchebag he was fucking behind my back this whole time. Two whole years of dating and he couldn't even find an actual excuse to kick me out. Crazy I couldn't see what a nutcase this guy was, I was even planning on proposing in a couple of months. Good riddance.

Things just kept going for the worse. I thought I could stay at my parent's place the time to find a new apartment, but dad moved in with his new girlfriend and mom was just depressing to be around. It was getting to me, seeing her roaming around the house looking for something to keep her mind busy. Obviously, she had no time to dedicate to my own feelings and my own broken heart, talk about motherly sacrifices. I tried myself to be a good son and listen to her sorrow, but all she could do was bitching about the younger blonde dad left her for. It was getting repetitive and I had other more important things to worry about, it was only worth pretending to listen to get some money out of her.

I was unfamiliar with things not going my way. Some would say I'm opportunistic and self-serving, I see it as simply being smart. Maybe I started life more comfortable than most, raised in a big house, my dad had enough for my mom to not work and to take us abroad every year for vacation. But so is the life, I wasn't going to self-flagellate over people having less luck than me, it's not my problem. And I knew plenty of people who started out better than me and yet because of their poor decisions and lack of will, didn't have as much success as me. I know what I wanted and wouldn't lose my time doing anything but pursuing it. That's just the logical road to success and be damned anything on my way. I had a good job, a comfortable apartment, and an attractive boyfriend. Had.

The morbid spiral kept on yet again and my boss called me in his office a week after Josh dumped me. Laid off. For lack of punctuality. I was mortified. What was going on? I felt like someone must have put a curse or something. It was obviously making my search for a new apartment harder and I was getting desperate I wouldn't be able to leave mom's place before I find a new job.

***

Finally, some good news. My old friend Micha that I knew since high school had to leave the state for a month to take care of his dying father, of course, it was sad for his dad but it also meant he was letting me use his apartment for the time being. I could mourn my breakup in peace without the spectre of mom's own depression leaning over me. He just told me to be careful about his stuff and to not bother his roommate too much. Ugh, roommate. Well, I wasn't going to bite the hand feeding me, I just hoped the guy wasn't going to get on my nerves.

Micha's room was pretty neatly decorated, it was comfy enough, I had nothing to complain about if not the faint smell of weed that must have imbibed the mattress. I could deal with that. Most important for me was to finally feel like an adult again.

I heard some keys jiggling and the front door opening. Right, the roommate. I wasn't really in the mood to socialize at the moment, I was still unpacking my clothes in the space Micha allowed me in his wardrobe. Soon enough I was out of things to unpack though and since the guy was still in the kitchen, might as well get done with it.

I made my way to the kitchen, Micha's roommate was leaned against a counter while eating a sandwich. I took a good look at him and couldn't help but feel nervous. The guy was at least 6'0 with a strong enough v-shape which already tended to intimidate me, but I was mostly disturbed by the way he chose to present himself. His head was shaved to the bone, enhancing some thick serious eyebrows and piercing blue eyes which felt like a threat all by themselves. A grey tank top tucked in Levi jeans, themselves tucked in thick black combats boot with bright red laces. He had a couple tattoos on his arms, I didn't analyze them further, a little worried about what symbols I would be able to identify. Why in heaven was Micha cohabitating with a damn skinhead?

"Yo, you're Ken, right?" he said after swallowing down his sandwich bite.

I took a couple seconds to answer. "Yeah, Micha's friend."

"How long are you staying?" I could hear he had a little faint accent but I wasn't even sure from where. Definitely foreign.

"Just a month, I'm bouncing back from some stuff."

"Ok good luck with that, I'm Adrian." Adrian took another bite from his sandwich and thoroughly chewed, waiting for his mouth to be empty to talk again. At least he had some manners. "We each got our food and we do our own dishes, I'm no one's maid, got it?"

His authoritative voice was really not helping me feel at ease. "Sure, I like it better like that anyway."

"I work at night, so I'd rather you don't make too much noise at day, you can invite people around but keep it down," Adrian hesitated for a second, "if you have a girlfriend I'd also rather you keep sex at her place."

"I don't have a girlfriend," I said. I couldn't tell that guy I was gay, I had a bad feeling about that, it's not like it mattered because I wasn't going to get a new boyfriend in the single month I was staying here. I wasn't really the type to hook up but anyway it would probably be inappropriate bringing a boy in Micha's bed.

"Ok." He was almost done with his sandwich. "You stay out of my business and I stay out of yours, are we all good?"

"Sure...?" Well, that sure didn't sound threatening at all.

"Good talk," Adrian said, "welcome home then." He swiped off the bread crumbs from his hands then left the room without giving me a second look.

***

During the rest of the week, I barely saw Adrian, I just heard him leaving the apartment at 10 pm. He was rather quiet during the day, even when he wasn't sleeping. The worse I could hear from his room were some faint video game noises. I was mostly focused on job searches so I didn't make much noise myself.

I was getting very comfortable in Micha's room and the apartment itself was pretty neat. Not as good as the one I shared with Josh but it was well situated, well lit and clean. I entertained the idea of getting Adrian kicked out to steal his room, so I could live with Micha like back in the college days. For fun, of course, I wasn't actually going to get the guy kicked out.

When the first Saturday evening came around, I was working on perfecting my resume. I heard the front door open and as I expected Adrian to go on his way, as usual, I heard some chuckles and loud enthusiastic voices. The voices made their way to the living room. I was a bit disturbed.

It was a little weird to see Adrian with a smile, he was sitting on the couch, a beer and cigarette in hand. A girl and two guys were sitting in different places around the living room. The girl was sitting next to Adrian, she was short, heavily made up and had an unstyled bright pink mohawk. The two guys were close to each other, one had a rough olive face with a vertical scar on the lips, the heavy military jacket he was sporting suited him pretty well. The other one looked a bit out of place with his salmon sweater and his large glasses.

"Oi Ken!" Adrian addressed me, "get yourself a beer in the fridge and come sit with us bro."

I wasn't very comfortable but did as told. I sat on the ground, at the coffee table level.

"Ok so that's Dasja," he said while pointing to the girl, "Ben and Luka." He pointed respectively to the brutish looking one then the meeker one. "They're old friends of mine, that's Ken he's squatting Micha's room for the month."

Adrian's friends politely smiled at me then soon enough got back on their conversation. I was only listening with half an ear, I couldn't really relate to what they were talking about. I was eyeing at Luka, he was kind of my type. I liked goody-two-shoes looking guys, couldn't help it, they were usually not too much trouble and were kind of little freaks in the sheets.

"And you Ken?" Adrian addressed me.

I panicked. "Wh-what?"

"Wanna come next Friday?" He said like I had any idea what he was talking about.

"What, where?"

"At the wheat rabies, Luka's band playing," Adrian said a little irritated. Ooh, an excuse to see Luka again. With a bit of luck, things could finally go my way again on at least one issue.

"Yeah sure, what do you play Luka?" I asked trying to act casually.

"Bass." There's some saying about bass players being the best lovers. Or maybe it was just my bassist ex from high school making shit up.

"Well, I'll be here," I addressed him with a smile.

As soon Adrian's friends left the apartment, he put a pot of water under the fire and made himself some pasta. I shyly followed him in the kitchen, might as well try my shot.

"Hey Adrian, I wanted to ask Luka a technical question so I was wondering if you like, had his number?" I said, trying to keep it as vague as possible. He didn't seem to have picked any vibe from me so I doubted he would put two and two together.

"Got a crush?" Adrian asked while frowning his face. Fuck. I felt cold sweat running down my back. What should I do, what should I say?

"C'mon dude," I laughed nervously.

"I'm not hooking you up with my ex," Adrian said even more severe. His what.

"Oh, you're?" I was still kind on the defensive so I didn't dare say the word.

"Gay? Yeah, hella." Well, that sure was, a turn of events.

"I mean, aren't you, a skinhead?"

"Oh just because a guy has a shaved head, wears combat boots, jeans and bombers, he's a skin?" He said while raising an eyebrow. I didn't even know what to say. "Because you wouldn't really be wrong I guess, don't really identify with anything but if the shoe fit."

"So you're, a gay skinhead?" I said slowly. "But aren't y'all, not a big fan of that? I thought it was kind of part of the whole, political deal?"

"What political deal?" he said perplexed, "I'm no nazi bonehead, c'mon haven't you seen my laces?" He pointed to his red laces like I was supposed to get what it meant.

"I, uh, well I just assumed, it's not obvious from the look you know."

Adrian shrugged and got back to his pot of pasta. "I hardly see you and Luka together, that's strange to imagine," I said.

"Why? Because he talks and dress posh?" he said a bit irritated. Well, it played into it. Luka did have a very researched classical fashion and listening to him was pretty delightful. While Adrian, well. Yeah.

"Wouldn't say it that way but you do seem to be from two different worlds."

"Dude, who the fuck are you? Who the fuck do you think you are?" Adrian exploded. All this week I was scared of angering the guy, I would have never guessed it'd happen when I was suddenly more comfortable with him.

"No need to get upset, I'm not implying anything about you, just well, that's surprising since he kinda looks like a Ph.D. student."

Adrian's anger seemed to boil up quicker than the pasta's water. "So? A Ph.D. student wouldn't want of a guy like me? He's too good for me?"

"Well, usually people date people with the same interests and general life plans," I said, trying to explain myself. C'mon, it was just the truth wasn't it? I didn't get why he was so angry, I didn't insult him.

"What about you get a fucking job and your own damn apartment first and then talk to me about life plans?"

He left the kitchen before I could retort anything. The most surprising information I learned about Adrian tonight was that he was a hypersensitive drama queen.

***

We avoided each other the following days. At least I was way less scared of him. Well maybe not "way less" because he still looked like he could crush my skull with his thighs but at least I knew he wouldn't do it for gay-bashing reasons.

I had no reason to talk to him anyway, I'd be able to see Luka again on the following Friday.

I left the kitchen at the same time Adrian left the bathroom in precipitation. His shift was about to start soon enough, he only had a towel around his waist he was keeping in place by grabbing both ends with one hand. We looked at each other in surprise, or actually, he looked at me looking at him.

It was the first time I saw him so undressed. He was not my type, of course, I was into refined guys, but a large sexy chest is a large sexy chest. He didn't look like he worked out really but built his frame through hard work, his pecs had just enough volume to create a little shadow underneath them. They were enhancing the string of Cyrillic letters boarding his collar bone and the hamsa tattoo at the end of his pelvic bone. I was slightly surprised to see he was shaving his chest, but after all, he was doing it to his head so why stop there. It was surprising mostly because of the dark trail of pubic hair I could see diving to the only remain of modesty that the towel was being. I wondered what his dick looked like.

"Watchu looking at perv?"

He snapped me off my daydream. "Well your body, obviously."

His eyes widened in surprise. "You're really fucking cocky all of a sudden," he said, taking the snappy voice he had at our first meeting.

"You ask a question, I answer."

"You sound like someone who didn't get his ass beat enough in his childhood," he groaned.

"You sound like someone who got his ass beat way too much in his childhood," I replied.

He looked at me in pure consternation. Oops, too far? Might have hit a sensitive string here.

"You're lucky I'm getting late." He shoved me aside with a strong shoulder thrust into mine -ouch- then stormed into his room.

That dude really was a piece of work.

I was getting more and more excited as Friday was approaching. It was the only thing to look up for during this shitty week. Finally getting to see Luka back. I had to admit, I was maybe a bit petty because now being aware he was Adrian's ex made me even more motivated into getting in his pants. It was also giving me some more confidence in my project if he dated Adrian that must mean his standards were pretty low. So a guy like me, no way he would get past by.

Adrian was in the living room rolling himself a cigarette as I joined him, all dressed up.

"Are we leaving soon?" I asked.

"Leaving where?" He already forgot?

"Luka's concert," I said.

He nodded then had a little smile as he was licking the edge of the cigarette paper to seal it. "Right, right, forgot about it, not really in the mood to go anymore."

"Oh, that's fine." Thank God. "Just give me the address and I'll go myself."

Adrian crossed his legs by putting the edge of his boot on his lap. I really didn't like his smile. "Now why would I do that?"

"Well, I told Luka I'll be here." C'mon if you won't do it for me do it for your friend. "Wanna keep my promise."

"Do you think he really cares whether you're here or not, you don't even know him." Well, that hurt a little. I had to admit the occasion was to learn about the guy, but I'd like to think I let a little impression.

"Fine, I'll find the place myself," I groaned.

"How is it called?" he asked mischievously. Shit! I just remember it had a stupid name. But I was barely paying attention, I couldn't find it back when all I could associate with the moment is how excited I was to see Luka again.

"C'mon dude, I'm sorry, just give me the address."

"Go get me my lighter and a beer in the kitchen," he said in a disinterested voice. I already saw where he was going. Well, I didn't like taking orders but if it was just that.

I took the beer in the fridge then searched for his lighter. The table was a little messy, but it couldn't be that hard finding a lighter right?

It was nowhere to be seen on the table. I searched the whole thing thoroughly. Neither was it on the counter. Maybe it wasn't even in the kitchen? In despair, I opened the kitchenware drawer and thankfully found a little white lighter.

I made my way back in the living room, Adrian was taking a long drag on his already lit cigarette while looking at me in the eyes. He inhaled it then blew back the smoke in my direction.

"Why did you ask me for your lighter if you, already had one?" I asked irritated.

"So you can open my beer, duh," Adrian said with his most annoying voice yet.

"I don't know how to open a beer with a lighter."

"Well, you better learn because that's how I want it opened."

I really shouldn't entertain that, I could find the address on my own. I just had to remember the name of the bar, something to do with raccoons?

It couldn't be that hard opening a beer, c'mon just needed a bit of strength. Yet I couldn't even fit the lighter right, it kept ripping every time I was giving a little pressure. My fingers were hurting from trying again and again to open this damn beer.

"Jesus Christ you're really fucking useless," he sighed. He ripped the beer from my hand and opened it in half a second on the edge of the coffee table. "Gotta find a thing you'd be able to do, I'm really trying to make that trade fair my dude but you're not making it easy, spoiled kids really can't do anything by themselves uh?"

I kept myself from talking back. As soon as I got the address I'd give him a piece of my mind.

"Ever clean boots?" he asked.

"No."

"Well there's a first for everything, go to my room there's a box underneath my desk."

I couldn't even believe what I was about to do. I got in his room, it smelt cigarette. He had various posters of bands on his wall and surprisingly enough, right next to the red and black flag, a rainbow flag. Didn't clock him as the type to be into pridey stuff.

I grabbed the toolbox underneath the desk and got back in the living room.

"How do I go with it?" I asked.

"First you gotta get on your knees," he said with a cocky smile.

I reluctantly obeyed and got closer to his boots. I opened the box, it couldn't be that complex, right?

"First you grab the tin square box, yeah right here, gotta clean things before getting into business, I won't make you black it because I don't want you to fuck up my boots."

I felt relieved and slightly insulted. Adrian guided me around in the process with a dry voice, making comments at each action I was taking. I glared up at him in silence. I couldn't believe he was getting me here, the only time I get on my knees for a guy is to break him in pleasure. To be fair, I'm sure Adrian was taking a lot of pleasure humiliating me this way.

"Man you really suck at it, I'd have to see a legit bootblacker to fix the shit you've done," he said. He crashed his cigarette on the coffee table and threw the butt of it in his empty beer bottle. "We're done, I'll drive you to the place, what do we say?"

"Thanks," I muttered.

***

The wheat rabies was not the type of place I'd go in myself. The bar was a little too dark for my place, in the spirit of a nightclub I assumed, but it had barely anything of a nightclub. I'm accustomed to pubs, bars, and nightclubs, it was the first time ever I went to a place with a table covered in zines.