Welcome back, sickos. Thanks for sticking with me and these idiots.
When I wake up Chrisette is in the chair on my side of the bed, glaring at me. This, of course, means that the body spooning me has to be Todd. It takes me a moment to decipher her expression, but when I do it frustrates me.
"He doesn't know it's me," I whisper.
"Yes, he does," Chrisette hisses.
Argh; I want to throw everything everywhere. She's supposed to be guarding me jealously, not fuckin' Todd. I have this perverse desire to just go back to sleep and piss her off further. I mean, I'm pretty comfortable.
"Chrisette, it doesn't mean anything," I reply, sitting up slowly so I don't wake the man in question. "He's a-fucking-sleep and you aren't in here to grab. Plus, you're the one who wanted him in the middle."
His arm is draped across my stomach, and I carefully slide out from beneath it. Our parenting skills are on full display as we take this argument to the bathroom without disturbing anyone still asleep. It'd be funny if I weren't in the middle of it.
"Tell me what exactly you're mad about," I request quietly as I pee and Chrisette brushes her teeth. "Like, where is this coming from?"
She spits into the sink, holding her silky black hair away from her face. "You made such a big fucking deal about not wanting him to sleep in the bed with us, and now it's like I don't even exist."
Chrisette moves to let me wash my hands. That old feeling of crushing exhaustion starts to creep over me as I watch her in the mirror. "How long have you been feeling that way?"
"Ugh I hate it when you do that," Chrisette grumbles. "You're just trying to figure out how to end the argument."
"No, I'm caught off guard. Wasn't last night all about you?" In fact, wasn't this past year all about her? Suddenly I'm reminded of my mother-in-law shouting at me.
What kind of household are you running?
I'm so fucking tired.
My wife rolls her pretty brown eyes. "Let's not pretend I was the focus. You seemed to know when he was ready to come--"
"I think most guys have the same warning signs.
You
told me to watch."
"To watch me." Chrisette points her toothbrush at herself. "You watched him. And don't think I couldn't tell that you guys were extra touchy with each other. The whole 'keep Jesse warm' bit? Please."
I protest as loud as I think I can. "You wanted a goddam threesome! How the fuck else did you want me to behave?" I ask angrily, swiping the toothpaste for my own use.
Chrisette's tone is sarcastic. "Like I wasn't cock-blocking you, maybe?"
"First off: bullshit. Second: you both were five shots in," I remind her around my toothbrush.
"You weren't. What's your excuse?"
"For fucking what?"
Her dark eyes narrow. "Are you kidding--"
The baby monitor stops us both; fuzzy creaking sounds as Seth turns over in his crib. He'll wake up soon. Chrisette lets me finish brushing my teeth before pulling me out to the kitchen. I grab the monitor on the way.
Chrisette has been paying more attention to me than I thought. "You keep acting like you don't want to be anywhere near Todd, but somehow you are
always
around him," she says accusingly. "The gym."
"It's his membership," I counter.
"You're going out to eat."
I shake my head as I turn the coffee pot on. "Get mad at Todd; that was his idea." She had seemed fine with it at the time.
"All the little home projects."
"That's him paying for being here in the first place. Do
you
want to clean the gutters with me?"
She throws her hands up. "You can have an excuse for anything, but I know what I saw. It's so shitty, and dishonest, to pretend like you're desperate for us to work out, and then last night I could have been fucking invisible."
There's an uneasy feeling in my belly. Chrisette may be pulling examples from nowhere, but she's amazingly close to the mark. It's not like I didn't know that she was smarter than me.
The sound of the bedroom door opening signals Todd's arrival. How much of that did he hear?
"Jesse isn't to blame for how you felt about it, Chrissy," Todd says calmly as he strolls in. So he heard a lot. "I'd appreciate it if you would take responsibility for what you can control. And acknowledge that everything you're upset about right now is a result of people trying to do what you asked them to." It's nice to know that I'm not the only one he treats like a total idiot during conflict.
My wife gives him a withering look. "Why are you so protective of him?"
Todd kind of laughs. "I'm trying to be fair."
"Fair?" Chrisette scoffs, "to the guy you called an 'unfrozen caveman?'"
Todd's gaze meets mine. "That was before I knew him."
It's fine. I knew he thought I was stupid. It's fine. I pour myself some coffee. They won't want any since Todd always makes them pourover. I'm not hurt.
"Oh then please," my wife begs mockingly, "please explain to me why you were so fucking concerned with making sure Jesse had a good time last night."
"I'm right here," I try to speak up.
"Again, we did what you asked," Todd says evenly. "Are you mad because it didn't meet expectations? Like you thought it would be sexier to you?"
Chrisette ignores that. "Was last night the first time you ever had a threesome with another man?"
"No," Todd answers. Not surprising.
"So what, you prefer men now?"
I glance between them. Surely she already knows he's pan, right?
Todd looks a little upset for the first time. "Because I paid attention to both of you during the threesome that
you
wanted? Don't push your heterosexual shit on me because you've only seen me with women."
"Oh, then in that case please enlighten me," Chrisette asks, frustrated. "What have I been seeing here? Are you in love with him?"
Todd glances at me, but I can't take this anymore.
"Obviously not, Chrisette," I cut in. She finally turns to me, but my next target is the rat bastard. "What's your fucking game, man?"
