Stay

I was desperate, and I didn't know where to go.

The sight of my boyfriend of years sucking some guy off in a club bathroom was burned into my brain. My first reaction was to run away instead of confronting him, even though he surely did that on purpose. I guess I just felt betrayed and hurt, because never before did he ever mention he wanted to go out with other people, or that he wanted to try something different.

Lately he didn't even want to get it on with me, and I think that was what hurt the most.

As I ran home under the rain, it dawned on me that all the sacrifices I had made and all the things I gave up for us to be together had been for nothing.

And I'm not against exploring things and finding the middle ground that would make our relationship work. But if there's something I hate is lying. Pretending everything is alright when it clearly isn't.

Halfway home I realized I didn't even want to go back to our apartment, the place where we had been living for a couple of years now. Some of the memories I had from there were so good, but I was feeling the pain of our relationship being torn apart, and I didn't know if I wanted to be confronted with a life I wasn't sure I'd go back to.

The truth was that I needed distance from it.

And I needed someone who would understand me.

As I waited for the cars to cross under the light, I looked up at Sydney Tower. Then I looked to where my home was, and turned the other way.

I knew I could find some solace in Darlinghurst.

Or at least try.

My hands dialed his number on their own.

I hoped he was alone, because I'd hate to interrupt him.

The phone rang twice, as I waited nervously. Then I heard his voice; it was like a saving grace.

"What happened, Lee?" He sounded a little hoarse, like he'd probably been asleep and I disturbed him. I felt sorry about it, but my words skipped over that part.

"I need some..." I didn't know what to say. My voice got lost on me, and I wanted to cry. Well, tears started welling down my face.

"Where are you? Do you need me to go get you?" He asked, all alert. I could hear him moving around. I shook my head, but my brother wouldn't be able to see it.

"I'm not too far away. Maybe just make some tea?" I sniffed.

He sighed on the other end. "Are you sure you don't need me to go get you?"

"I'm sure, Matty." His name barely left my lips.

It's been a while since I called him that. And he must have known something was wrong.

"Please, Lee. Just come here, okay?" I could hear the apprehension in his voice, and I almost felt bad about causing that to him. I just knew that there was always someone there for me.

My brother was my everything, he always had been. I was glad to have him.

"Be there soon."

Then I hit the end button.

The light had gotten green for me, maybe a couple times. I crossed the street, running under the rain. It was still May, but the first signs of the coldest season had started to show. I loved fall and winter, spending nights snuggling up with--

I needed to stop thinking about him.

I needed to forget what I had seen.

And I needed to be with someone that loved me and would always be on my side.

My brother was it for me. He had always been beside me during the good and the bad, even when our parents had been too conservative to accept that both their kids were gay, when we moved to the big city for a big life.

We spent many nights eating bad pizza and watching TV shows on the old couch. We still lived together before I moved in with that guy. I found a new place, and helped Matty find one for himself. Now he was getting way more successful than me with his career, so he bought a studio in one of the nicer neighborhoods in the city. It was tiny and in need of renovation, but he was getting his shit together.

I had been the first person he showed his place to, and I still had my key.

I wished some of those good things were happening in my life too.

But no.

Now I was just sprinting down Liverpool Street when I saw his building from afar, and the rain was soaking me to the bone. At least it was cold and it made me think about how sick I'd be getting tomorrow, rather than having the images of this night in my head.

When I finally saw the corner building, I grabbed my phone to call Matty, but I noticed someone waving at me. He was out front, holding an umbrella, and he came running to me.

"Are you okay?" Matty asked. He put an arm around my shoulders and covered us with the umbrella as he led me to the front door.

"Yeah." I managed to say while he maneuvered us inside.

Being held by him felt like heaven.

He closed the umbrella, then looked at me. He could probably see me all wet, but under the water there were tears and disappointment. My eyes must have been red, and I probably looked horrible. But Matty put a hand on my cheek, touching me lightly and with so much love that I felt more tears coming out.

"I have your tea ready. Let's get you into some dry clothes."

I could only nod as he led me to the stairs and we climbed to the second floor where his studio was. I could hear our steps and droplets of water falling from my clothes. Now the adrenaline rush was over, as I started to tremble and couldn't ignore the extreme cold.

Matty opened the door for me, rushed me inside, and then closed it. He let the umbrella fall by the entrance.

"You need to get this off," he demanded while pulling my jacket away from me.

I still had no words, but I helped him take off my clothes. Maybe someone else would feel ashamed of being manhandled by their brother into getting naked, but I think I was past that.

I did hesitate before removing my underwear, but it was wet too.

"Take that off, I'll bring you something to wear," Matty told me, solving that problem for me. He kissed me on my wet hair and then left me by the door.

I removed my boxers and, instinctively, put my hands in front of my shriveled up cock, trying to hide away how tiny it was at the moment.

At least his place was warm inside. And super comfy, much more than I remembered.

I guess it's been a while since I was here last.

When Matty came back from his closet bringing sweats, a hoodie and a towel, I sighed in relief.

"Just get yourself dry, put these on and I'll bring your tea to the bed."

He tried to give me a modicum of privacy by averting his eyes and then leaving me there as he took the rest of the wet stuff away. I watched him go, then started to dry myself.

His studio was small. It had a little corner of a kitchen, a walk-in leading into his bathroom, and a bigger room with space for a round table with two chairs, one red and one blue, a pretty futon bed that I'm sure he ordered from a Japanese artisan, a coffee table, and some plants here and there. The perfect minimalist paradise.

I had put on my pants and hoodie by the time he moved back into the main room. I still shivered, but the prospect of tea seemed ideal.

"This place looks really nice," I told him. "Why haven't I come here lately?"

He passed me the tea and asked for the towel with his hand. "You tell me."

Matty walked around to get behind me. Without a word, he began to dry my hair, and I shivered again, but not just from the cold.

I took a sip from my tea. It was plum, my favorite.

He massaged my scalp deliberately, and I closed my eyes, trying to forget everything else. It was so good I was startled when I realized he had stopped.

"Let's sit down." He pulled me by the hand to the futon, but left me there as he went to hang the towel.

I made myself comfortable, and wondered how my brother had created such a nice place for himself. I kind of envied him, because I was hanging onto someone else, while my someone else had been hanging off of someone else's cock tonight.

As Matty came to sit down beside me, he leaned back, putting a hand on my leg. We were leaning on the dozen pillows against the wall.

"Want to talk about what happened? You're not hurt, are you?" Matty squeezed my leg.

I knew that if I said yes he would probably hunt someone down.

"Not physically."

Matty hummed. His hand started making a pattern on my leg and I relaxed. All that he did reminded me of those moments we spent fighting against life years ago. Now we were older and stronger, but those years had been formative. They made us who we were. We knew each other back to front, and had pretty much done everything with one another.

Well, maybe not everything, because we were brothers. But, you see, there wasn't much we didn't know about each other.

Sometimes I think I knew too much about Matty, because I'd heard many guys talk about how my brother fucked like an animal. And they loved to go on and on about how his cock was so big--which I had seen, we lived together, after all. My brother was attractive, but he wasn't that much different from me, so I guess I never really thought about him that way.

We were somewhat opposites, though. I wasn't much for animalistic nights in bed.

Maybe that had been a problem for me.

Matty put a hand on the back of my head, and slowly turned my gaze to him, so we could stare into each other's eyes.

"What happened?" He asked again, and his quiet words were a demand, but not harsh. He just wanted to know.

And maybe I needed to get it out.

"I saw Tyler with another guy."

Matty nodded very slowly. "I take that's something you guys don't do," he guessed.

I confirmed. "Never talked about it. And I never expected something like this to happen, you know? We haven't been super close these past weeks, but..." All of a sudden I felt like I had done something wrong, and I tried to analyze our moments together.

What was missing in me?

"Hey," Matty called me. "I don't think this is your fault, okay?" His voice was working to convince me, but I wasn't sure it was doing much. "Come here."

He pointed to his chest. I accepted the invitation and put my tea on the coffee table close by before turning to lay my head on him.

This was good.

I buried my nose in his shirt. Matty was much bigger than I was, and his arms embraced me in a perfect hug. I wish I could just stay there for a moment. Or for a year. My brother was my everything. Maybe I forgot about that sometimes, but I could see it now. I wish I hadn't needed to find in other guys what I couldn't have from him.

He was enough for me. Although I wasn't sure if I was enough for him.

"You're a great guy, you know that?" Matty said to my ear, his voice making me shiver. "Whoever does not see that is just dumb. And I'm not sorry for saying that."

I laughed a bit, and everything felt better.

I looked up at him. Matty had his eyes on me.

He was perfect.

His broken smile and kind eyes, the way only he could just look at me at that moment.

"I wish sometimes you weren't my brother."

I smiled sadly, but I didn't want to have said that.

I tried to look away, but one of his hands stopped me.

"Why do you say that?" Matty asked. His gaze burned into mine. "Never say that, Lee. You're everything to me. And I'd do everything for you. Everything. You understand?"

I'm not sure I did.

But his eyes were drawing me in, like a black hole.

I was sure I'd take being sucked into nothing and disappear, if it could be with him.

"You know I love you, right?"

He was close to my mouth and I thought he would kiss me.

Gentle puffs of air hit my lips.

We both looked at one another.

Then, he kissed me. His lips calmly touched mine, just a whisper. An expression of pure love and devotion to me, and I felt overwhelmed.

I pushed him away, because I needed to breathe.

The silence was deep between us.

I could see so much love in his eyes. I wanted to give him all the love back.

"Are you okay about this?" He asked me.

I wasn't, not really. But maybe not for the reasons he was thinking.

I said nothing, but I kissed him back, turning fully to him and climbing on top of his lap so I could get my arms around him. Matty helped me sit up, also making himself more comfortable, opening his legs so I could settle on top of him.

We molded together like two puzzle pieces, and our mouths wanted to meld with one another.

He tasted like home to me. His hands healed me of the pain I felt. It seemed like the wrong place, wrong time, but I never felt more alive than right at that moment. Anything else was second range when it compared to my brother. He was everything I needed.

And he needed me too, because I could feel the urgency of his hands running down my back, grabbing my ass and squeezing with so much strength I thought he'd hurt me, but Matty never would.

I knew he would never hurt me.

"You know what?" I said more to myself than him, pushing his mouth away. Our eyes found each other. "I wanna try something," I said, but more words wouldn't leave my mouth. I was afraid of saying them.

"Anything you want," Matty told me, so much trust in his eyes that I knew this was his gift for me.

I nodded, then got up from his lap only to kneel in front of him. It felt cheap to give back in the way I was dealt with the truth, but I didn't care. Maybe I was playing with my brother, but when I saw the way his gaze caught on fire, he didn't need my words to know what I wanted.

I opened his pants and pulled them down along with his underwear, freeing his cock. Matty helped me by lifting his hips from the futon. I'd seen him naked before, and when we were teenagers we had jerked off a few times together.

But this was different. It was a step further than anything we'd ever done, but also, it felt like the most natural decision we'd ever taken.

I didn't feel shy at the moment. As soon as I threw his pants away and laid between his legs, I circled my fingers around the base of his cock. It was warm and it weighed on my hand. I wasn't afraid, no: I was excited. The pain I'd felt before was in the back of my mind. And it would come back later, but now I had something to make me feel better.

Maybe I was using my brother. But I'd let him use me too.

Closing my eyes, I leaned forward and opened my mouth. My tongue came out to lick him around the head. Matty tasted sweet, but manly.

He moaned low as I took him in, swirling my tongue around and then getting the rest of the shaft inside.

If there was something I knew how to do was sucking cock, so right then I just took him to the back of my throat, burying my nose in the hair at the base of his cock. I felt at home, especially when he put a hand on the back of my head and pressed lightly.

Who needed air when I had him? I closed my eyes tightly shut, tried to breathe in when possible, but just enjoyed the feeling of being full.

When it was too much I released some of his cock, just enough to breathe, but I never let him out of my mouth, starting a movement going up and down.

"You're so fucking good, Lee." Hearing him calling my name was like a dream.

I reached around and placed my hand on top of his on my head, giving him the green light.

And I became just a hole.

Matty started to fuck my mouth, and I let him. If whoever was supposed to be my boyfriend didn't know what to do with what he had, Matty knew how to use me.

Boy, did he use me.

His thrusts were relentless, and soon became very erratic, animalistic like those other guys described him. But this was Matty with me, and not with any other guys. Now he was just mine.

I knew I could trust him because Matty was my brother, and maybe the love of my life, despite everything.

My cock was hard in the pants Matty had given me, but I didn't need to touch it. I didn't need anything else but him.

When I felt him losing steam, ready to come, I just let it go. I let him fuck me as hard as he could, thrust as deep as he'd go, spit falling out of my mouth and tears from my eyes, but these tears were good.

He fucked me like no one else could. My jaw hurt, but I'd take him all night.

"Gonna cum," he announced, and soon enough he pulled me to him, burying his cock all the way into my throat and letting the fountain of cum explode inside me. My cock jerked, and clumsily I reached for it.

My fingers barely circled it inside the pants and I came too, my brother deep in my mouth.

I might have blacked out for a moment, because next thing I knew my head was leaning on Matty's leg, his hand caressing my cheek. I could see him staring into me. There was a smile on his face.

"I love you," I said. Now my voice was hoarse.

He gave me silence, but I know he'd give me the world if I asked.

And maybe I should.

"Can I stay?"

He said yes.