It's bizarre how long we can go fooling ourselves. Living in an illusion. And then suddenly a series of small events nudge you onto a path of discovery, leading you further and further toward something so alien. And yet so strangely familiar. Like it was all meant to be.
I was a straight, white guy in his mid-30's, walking toward a local cruising spot at dusk, prepared to experiment with a guy for the first time ever. What the fuck is happening?
I've dated many women and have been (happily) sexually active with them all throughout my life and within the past year even. But there's been a bug in me this whole summer telling me that I gotta see this through. I didn't know what "cruising" was until this summer, actually.
This past June I went on a super fun camping trip with a few friends - a group of guys and gals. We ended up getting drunk together one night and went skinny dipping in the lake. And I was just sort of extra drawn to my friend, Jason's, body. We saw how big his dick was, so he kept jokingly running in and out of the water like a goof to keep showing it off. And we're all cracking up and splashing him. And being ridiculous. And I got fuckin' hard under the water about it. Seeing his naked, wet body under the moonlight, lengthy soft penis flopping back and forth. What the hell?
Weeks later I'm jerking off to bisexual porn for the first time. And it was my journey through gay porndom that taught me what cruising is. And then I found out that there's actually a local cruising spot in a park on the other side of town.
Now, two months later, here the fuck I am. A clueless, gay-sex virgin, sneaking into a whole other (forbidden) world.
Hudson Park is a small piece of land along the river, speckled with picnic tables and tall trees. It is known to be on the poorer side of town, just a few blocks away from low-income housing and shady-looking clinics. I guess people fish here sometimes.
Cars drive past me with beats and loud bass pumping through tinted windows. A train from half a mile away roars in the background.
I've never been here. Should I be scared for my safety? Am I going to get in trouble? Am I actually gonna follow through with this?
Before I can even entertain the thought of bailing, I see the sign for Hudson Park and know with assurance that I am at least going to walk in. I've come this far.
I try to self-soothe. People go to rivers, man. I go the river on the other side of town at night sometimes. This happens in life outside of gay cruising. I'm just a dude enjoying a summer night's walk. Yeah. Checkin' out my city's river. To have a couple cigarettes. This is normal. I'm not obviously a freak.
A pickup truck drives out of the park and onto the main street. Can't see much, but I can tell it's a guy. Alone.
I walk into the park and immediately see that I am not alone in here. There's a couple of cars at different sides of the parking lot. Each have their lights out. And have a guy sitting behind the wheel. Cant see details, though - it's almost completely dark.
I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I'm not gonna just go up to a stranger's car in plain sight and ask to fool around. What did I think would happen?
Disappointed by my lack of knowledge and experience, I decide to just keep going through the park and toward the river. At the very least I can enjoy a cigarette and see what the view's like.
I see a guy sitting on a picnic table up ahead to my left looking at his phone. As I approach I see that he's a young, black guy with a hood over his head. I'm looking at him as he suddenly raises his head and meets my eyes. I instinctively glance away as I walk past him, recognizing that even in that thread of a second it was clear that he is good looking.
I want to stop and go up to him, but I'm scared. What do I say? What will he say? What if he's here for other shit? I'm anxious!
Several feet away now, I feel comfortable just getting one more look in. I mean, what's he doing here anyway?
I turn to my back-left and he's looking right at me. Our eyes lock once again.
I feel a buzz of energy. But I keep walking, maybe a little slower now, though, racing to figure out what my next move is.
There are no more public lights out here, so it gets much darker. I pull out a cigarette to light and out of my peripheral vision see that he's now slowly walking in my direction. I lean up against a tree facing a little away from him, but with him still in my vision. And take another puff. I walked around the tree and look in his direction.
Maybe he just wants a cigarette. Maybe he wants to sell you some weed. Who the fuck knows? Maybe he wants to suck your dick?
As he approaches me I can see he's a couple inches shorter than me. His hoodie is unzipped and has a giant cartoon animal face on it. It looks quirky. And cool. He stops a few feet away.
"Got a smoke," he asks in a deep and quiet voice.
"Yea, sure." I hand him a cigarette as he pulls out his own lighter.
He must be able to tell I'm kinda nervous. My eyes are darting all around - partly because I'm scared I'm going to get caught or exposed. And partly because I'm afraid I won't be able to stop staring at him once I see how good looking he really is.
