I've only ever had a handful of regrets. Mine was the type of life many wished for. But it wasn't just because I was lucky. I was careful in my actions. I was proud to say that I was the reason for my success; I was never too rash to do something stupid, never too hesitant to miss the things I wanted. That didn't mean everything always went the way I wanted. There were a few times when I thought things should have gone differently.
I regretted losing Ashleen. Our time together was the best I'd ever had. With her, it didn't matter if I was athletic or popular. It was enough that I made her happy and that she did the same for me. I never suspected that I could be the type to fall so far down the pit of love. Maybe if I had been as detached as I normally was, I wouldn't have lost her. At the very least I wouldn't feel like a gutted man, living life without my essential organs.
Ashleen and I met up at the park. She broke the news to me behind mental walls she'd put up. It was as if she was totally detached from the whole thing, and that made it so much worse. I was wrong to think that was the lowest things would get for me. After the events that transpired in John's basement, I went home in a daze, dark emotions swirling in my stomach. Without any distractions, the weight of it all pushed down on me. Ashleen had moved on so quickly and she did so with Alan. How could either of them do that to me?
But then, how could I have done what I did to Alan? As careful as I usually was, there were times when I would act out of character. It reminded me of a time when I was much younger.
The first time I'd ever hung out with John, we were both six. He pushed up a chair to my kitchen stove and said, "look at this!" Smiling back at me with teeth missing and an impish glint in his eyes. He turned one of the knobs on the surface of the stove and, after a crack of spark met gas, flames danced up from beneath the metal plate.
My mom warned me about playing with fire, and her voice resonated in me, warning me. But I ignored it. I stood up by John on the chair, mesmerized by flames. I was in awe that he could bring such a thing to exist just as grownups could. He said, "touch it!" and I did. I brought my hand forward and even though I felt the heat, I brought my fingers toward the plate and pressed down confidently on metal.
I'd never felt anything so painful before. When I yelled out, John look surprised. We both fell from the chair. My mom came rushing into the kitchen with a crazed look on her face and put my hand under cold water. She cursed herself for leaving us to use the bathroom. But she probably blamed John just as much. She never really did like him. To her, he was the bad influence that could corrupt her son. She warned me to be careful around him, to make my own decisions. Most of the time I did, but sometimes I just wanted to impress the boy who could make fire.
I imagined that was part of the reason for my actions. I grasped at that, trying to blame John instead of myself. Really, it was mostly me. When John told me that Alan had been fucking around with my girl, my anger had been palpable. It was like a thick sweltering cloud over my head. I couldn't think properly, I saw everything through tinted eyes. I couldn't be blamed for what I did. It was Ashleen. I just..
I just wanted to believe that. I made it back to my house, lay in my bed, and stared blankly as the ceiling fan whipped around. In truth, Alan didn't deserve what he got. That's what my conscience told me. But I still couldn't bring myself to fully accept that. As bad as it was, I should have felt worse than I did. What did that say about me? I wondered. There was only one thing I cared about, then. One thing I needed to understand.
I picked up my phone and dialed her number. The motion was perfunctory, I half believed that I was dreaming.
"You should stop calling me," Ashleen answered.
"You should stop picking up." I said. I couldn't recognize my voice. "...why?" I croaked.
"Why what? Why do I pick up the phone? I don't know."
"Why... with Alan."
She was silent for a long time. It must have been true then. I realized that part of me was hoping that it wasn't. That part dissolved quicklyβa painful process.
"Just leave it, Theo." She said with some finality. I could tell she was turning off her emotions. Ashleen was good at that.
"I don't want you to see him again," I could hear the anger boiling up in my tone.
"I know it sucks, Theodore. I'm not sure how you found out... But you'll just have to move on, ok? Take care of yourself."
She hung up.
How could she not understand? Did she actually like Alan? The guy didn't care about her; he cared about getting his rocks off. I had to protect her from that, even if she didn't care about me anymore. Despite what my conscience told me, I didn't feel bad about what I did to Alan. He deserved what he got.
***
Having a slave had its benefits. I realized that for the first time after my intense workout at home one summer evening in July, seven days after I realized Alan deserved the worst treatment I could muster. I'd worked up a nice sweat and felt pretty good after my two hour session. Alan came crawling up to me, begging with his eyes to do his duty. I slapped him around a bit before I allowed him to have what he wanted. Once he looked thoroughly embarrassed, I traced the inside of my shorts with both thumbs and pulled them down.
My cock was already hard from expectation (this had been our routine for a few days now), and it smacked him on the face when it was freed from my underwear. As usual, Alan sat there on the ground, dumbfounded, mouth open. He was no doubt admiring the vision before him. My perfect body, rippling with muscles and gleaming with sweat, and my massive cock standing at attention waiting for service. "Get to it, bitch." I commanded.
It was the only prompting he needed. At first, I had to kick him around quite a bit before he would let me use his mouth. Now, he moved forward, opening wide to take in all my girth. I sighed when his wet tongue found the bottom of my shaft, but I wanted more, and he was going too slow. I grabbed a fistful of his dark hair in both hands and forced him deeper onto my cock. I don't know why he was so hesitant about it. He hardly even gagged anymore. John and I trained this slut pretty well.