Chapter 9 - Melancholia
*****
Bzzzz, Dan's phone vibrated on his bedside locker. He turned over in his bed and picked up his phone. It was his coach ringing him for the umpteenth time. He elected not to answer the call - again - letting it ring out to voicemail.
He drew back under the covers. The bedroom was dark and stuffy, the curtains drawn even though it was the middle of the day. He didn't want to see sunlight, and hadn't seen much of it in the past two weeks since the session at Eric's.
Exhaling, he heaved himself out of bed, the dire need to use the bathroom overcoming him. As he made his way, he stepped over empty takeaway tupperware, plastic bottles and pizza boxes as they lay strewn across the floor. He relieved himself in the ensuite, glad he didn't need to go out into the main hallway and risk bumping into Isaac who would surely try to start a conversation.
He washed his hands and looked at himself in the mirror. His facial hair was long and scruffy, his hair unkempt and there were dark circles under his eyes. When he looked in the mirror he didn't know who he was anymore. He didn't recognise the person he stared at. Not only physically, but mentally. Who was he?
The session at Eric's had really fucked him up. He had been on an exciting journey of exploring his sexuality. His sub identity was thrilling and new and there were so many new possibilities, but somewhere along the line it had come off course, and he didn't know how to get it back on track, or even if he wanted to go on that journey anymore.
His teammates had bullied him, called him hurtful names and physically hurt him. He knew he hadn't enjoyed it, so stopped it from continuing.
But, most of all, what had messed up his head most was that there had been a mixture of enjoyment and upset. He knew there were parts of the session that had turned him on, but other parts that had made him feel worthless, humiliated and unwanted, and he didn't want to feel those emotions again.
But the trouble was how to unpack the session and those feelings and emotions and figure out how to find a path forward where he could pinpoint what he liked. It was all too much for him and he just felt disgusted at himself, believing there was something messed up inside him for liking these kinds of kinks. It made him feel trapped inside his head and the embarrassment of the situation had made him retreat back into himself and lock himself away in his room.
Two weeks later he was still there, wallowing in the intrusive thoughts that he couldn't escape.
He sighed as the thoughts swirled in his head, like they always seemed to these days. Better to not think about it, he decided as he walked back to bed, pulling the covers over himself. Better to just shut it all out, just as he had his life, his rugby team, his work, his friends. He had pulled some sickies at work and then asked to use some annual leave, but he couldn't do that forever.
