The Auction -- Part One
I have always been a charitable person, though some might say I am a sucker for a good cause. I couldn't resist the chance to go to an auction evening for some local fundraiser. It was to raise money for people with mobility issues. I had already offered an auctionable item. I had offered to make a picnic bench for some lucky bidder. Not just any picnic bench but one that allowed people with mobility issues to step in from the side. None of this having to cock your leg over a high seat which is a requirement of the standard A-frame bench. I had my eye on making a few sales from unsuccessful bidders.
The lot I wanted to bid for was listed as the last lot -- 'a housekeeper for a day'. Something I badly needed because I'd been so busy knocking out picnic benches, I'd let my pig-sty become a cesspit. Throughout the evening, I made a few dummy bids to try and raise the interest in some of the items where bidding was a bit slow. A Basket full of chocolate, football training for kids, you know the type of thing. Here it is. The last lot! I was going to get the housekeeper!
The auctioneer gave the latest total for the evening, and it was pretty impressive 99 lots had averaged Β£100 each. That suited me hundred quid to have my home tidy.
The auctioneer continued, "I must announce in the interests of equality and safeguarding, if the winning bid comes from a lady, then Audrey will be the housekeeper." And he gestured to this rather homely looking woman.
"And if the winning bid comes from a man, then it will be this chap that calls himself Swanny."
Bugger, I thought to myself. But I was consoled with the fact that he looked well-built and robust. I was sure he could tidy my mess as good as a woman, and if he ran out of things to do, he could help me build picnic benches.
I started the bidding in the hope of frightening off the opposition. "Β£100", I shouted.
"120," shouted a blonde on the opposite side of the room.
The auctioneer interjected, "You do realise if you win the lot, it is the lady that you will win."
The look of disappointment on her face was unmistakable. I matched her bid "Β£120. And as we are bidding for different outcomes, why not accept both bids?"
"Well, if there are no further bids and no objections. Going once at Β£120 each for Audrey and Swanny."
Then came the obligatory pause to allow further bidding or objections. "Going twice."
Another pause. "Sold to the lady to my right and the gentleman to my left."
Before I could even get to the clerk to make my Β£120 payment, Blondie had scuttled across the room to intercept me. "You are a lifesaver. I thought I was going to get lumbered with the woman. What will we do about swapping prizes."
"I am sorry, miss, but you have the wrong man. The auction is for charity, and Swanny looks like he is strong enough to do all the big jobs I need doing."
"Please. The plan was that I would win Swanny because he is my husband. He stepped in for a laugh and to help the charity out."
"I can see him laughing. He seems to be enjoying the look on your face mostly. I think the laugh is on you. Look on the bright side. You have someone to do all your housework for you."
She just scowled and stamped her foot. I thought to myself; he will probably be glad to have a day away from you, missus. I made my way to the clerk and parted with my Β£120, which isn't bad -- manual help for Β£5 an hour. Assuming I have him for 24 hours.
Swanny came over and introduced himself. "I see you have met my wife." And he burst out laughing. Blondie was in conference with Audrey, and this gave me a chance to make arrangements with Swanny.
"It is 24 hours, right?"
"Yep, and if you have the space, I can stay at yours for the whole time."
"So, tell me what services you are offering in your role as a housekeeper?"
"Ah, now that's the thing. When I submitted myself as a lot, I suggested I would be a slave for a day. But the organisers said I couldn't use the word slave. The intention was the missus would win me, then I would be her sex slave for the day."
I laughed. "So, are you going to be my housekeeper, slave or sex slave?"
"If I am your slave, that covers all the bases without committing either of us to something we might regret." And he bloody winked at me. I am pretty sure I blushed.
"OK, slave. Tomorrow at this address for 8:00 am." And I handed him my business card.
His firm handshake almost broke my hand.