The Chase

Chapter 4: Two steps forward, one step back

GRIFFIN

I wake up the next morning feeling even more guilt than I did after leaving Derek's room. I look over at my phone, ignoring the notifications that are deep in the trenches of a miscellaneous folder that no one knows I have. I cringe as I hover over it for a few seconds before deleting the app entirely. That at least brings me a few minutes of satisfaction.

There's an unread text from Derek that I intentionally don't open. He must have slipped in his number sometime between me getting dressed and him assuring me that I'll be back. I look at it from the main message screen, reading the simple, "Let me know the next time you wanna have fun." I go back to the home screen with that red notification as a simple reminder of how I want better for myself.

And then there's Chase. God, I wish it didn't come to this. I wish that I could have led a happy life with Chase as my best friend and nothing more. But feelings never come announced- they show up at your door with a bag in hand, asking to crash on your couch. And you let them. Days become weeks and after a while, you're left with the decision to kick them out or let them stay permanently. I want Chase to stay permanently but this is all too new to me that the idea of changing our lives because of a stupid crush seems premature. And then there's the fact that Chase doesn't even like me that way. That alone is enough to prevent me from acting on anything.

***

I need to get away for a bit and so I board the next bus headed downtown. I pick a seat at the back, listening to the music blaring from my earphones as we zip through the street, heading closer to the heart of the city. I don't take this trip often- mostly because it's such a pain to head there and back, but today I felt like wasting some time. Chase is on shift until late afternoon, so that gives me some time before I eventually have to see him. Until then, it's just me, my empty thoughts and Kodaline playing in the background.

My first stop right when I get off the bus is a coffee shop that's perched just beyond my stop downtown. It's overlooking a wide piazza full of various performers, weekend city workers and enough pigeons to fill my bedroom. You'd think that working at a coffee shop would make me sick of the stuff, but I'm pretty addicted at this point. Our boss, Greg, is pretty convinced that he brews the best coffee there is and so I've made it my mission to try every place in area and see if we even compare. This place is one that wasn't here when I was last downtown with Chase a couple weeks ago, so I walk over, hoping to get my fix and prove Greg wrong in the process.

I step in and immediately take in the scent of roasted beans that permeates through the air. It used to annoy me at first- how my clothes always seemed to smell like coffee, yet after all these months, it's become comforting. The place is small and pretty quiet- which I like. A normal morning shift for me seems to be an endless barrage of college students ordering the most unnecessarily complex drinks they make up in their heads. I mean seriously, how the hell am I supposed to measure out "30% sweetness?"

I order a cold brew- mostly because there's nothing to hide behind, so it's a good gauge of whether or not their stuff is good. I sit at the far end of the butcher block bar, forming my own little corner as I see the barista pouring my drink and making eyes at me. He's cute, peering over at me with those deep green eyes that are nearly covered in shaggy blonde hair. He turns to grab a lid and for a second, he looks like Chase. The black uniform shirt has a similar design to ours and I can picture my friend in the same position, reaching for the unopened pack of lids that I intentionally put at the top shelf because it's too tall for him. Barista Boy turns back around and takes a few steps towards me, handingme my drink and a blueberry cheese Danish that he'd just warmed up in the toaster.

He wiped up the water marks from the few cups of iced coffee left behind. "You're a rare breed." He said to me as he discarded the rag and looked me in the eye.

He explained, "You come here and sit down: no laptop to work on, no book to read- not even an earbud in place."

I chuckle at the novelty concept- no one ever came through our shop just to sit down and enjoy coffee either. "I guess I just needed a space to think. And nothing gets me going like a cup of-" I pause and take a sip. Nodding, I affirm, "pretty good cold brew."

He laughs and extends his hand, "I'm Alec, by the way."

"Griffin." I reply, meeting his grip. He has a warm smile that almost melts the ice in my glass and for a split second, I'm tempted to ditch the small talk and find some excuse to get out of here. But I stop myself, not letting my neurotic tendencies mistake a simple act of kindness as an invitation to hook up. I hate how that's my first instinct with every good-looking guy that I see.

Alec doesn't seem to notice my internal struggle as he asks, "So what's on your mind Griffin? You said you came in here to think."

I raise my eyebrow, "Don't tell me you're a bartender in your spare time too."

He corrects me, "Psychology major" with a wink.

"They're one in the same if you ask me." Alec laughs along with me as he leans over the bar. I look to see the cashier, texting away on his phone as front door gets no movement at all.

I stop for a second, changing my tone. "Look, you seem like a nice guy and I don't wanna lead you on in any way." I unfurl my hands, "I'm not looking for anything- I hope I didn't give you that impression."

I let those words sit for a few seconds, letting the sting of a freshly ripped band aid wear off. I tell myself that Chase would be proud- that all the times of mixed signals and assumptions have left me with enough balls to actually tell a guy my intentions right off the bat.

Alec doesn't seem to recoil, replying, "I don't think a guy's ever been that up front with me before." He smiles, "You might be one of the good ones, Griffin." I shake my head slightly, wishing that were true.

Alec reaches for the coffee it looks like he'd been nursing all morning as he rests on the counter across from me. "I'm cool with just friends" he finds my nervous eyes, "really." I relax a bit, letting my weight settle on the barstool. "So back to my question" he says with an all-seeing look.

I sigh, wondering if I'm really gonna spill my troubles on some dude I just met. There's something about Alec that puts me at ease. And then there's the fact that if I don't tell someone soon, I'll probably spontaneously combust right here in this coffee shop.

"I'm falling for this guy that I know I can't be with. And it's eating me up because I've never felt this strongly before." I say it. Letting those words roll off my tongue like an avalanche, hurdling towards the ground and leaving everyone in a cloud of powder white.

That was the first time I admitted it out loud. I almost wish I could grab the words out of the air between us and shove them back down my throat.

Alec stirs some extra sugar into his coffee and asks, plainly, "What makes you think you can't be together."

I shrug, "He's my best friend- I mean really, the only friend I have here. And we just want different things. He's always been the relationship type and I just haven't been that willing to commit."

Alec replies, "So you have feelings for him, but you just don't want a relationship?"

"But I do want a relationship! I want one with him!" I mentally step back, letting my subconscious speak for me in full truths and hopeful desires. Alec smiles at me as if he'd just struck gold. I'm reminded of my frustrations, continuing, "I just don't want to fuck up what we have right now. If it ends badly, then I don't know if I can recover from that."

I slump into the stool and let that treacherous part of my mind wander to that alternate reality: one without Chase and our friendship. And all because I had to ruin things by falling for him. It's a dark and lonely world and for a few seconds, it feels real.

Alec pulls me back, offering, "Look Griffin. I obviously don't know the full story between you guys. But you do." He finds my eyes, "He's your best friend and so if anyone would know how he'd react to all this, it's you."

"If there's even a small chance that he'd want the same, don't you think you should tell him how you feel?"

I take a sip of my drink, swallowing down the bitter and sweet tastes. "I think I need to work up to that courage. If I'm gonna put my friendship on the line, I need to be certain that this is what I really want."

Alec finishes up the last of his coffee and, after placing the empty cup aside, he turned to me. "Make a promise?"

I nodded, "What is it?"

"Just don't wait too long."

I sipped up what was left of my drink, shuffling the straw around the remaining cubes of ice. "You sound like someone who's speaking from experience."

He just smiles, "We're gay guys in our twenties. I think we all have backstories involving boys that we couldn't have."

"I hate how right that is." I said as Alec grabbed the empty plate and glass from me. We exchanged numbers and I promised on my end that we'd be seeing each other again. Old me, the Griffin from last week, would have considered this a fail- that a half hour conversation with a cute boy didn't end up in hot and sweaty sex. But the new me, the one who swore he wanted to be better was happy that I had at least one person I could talk to about this.

A couple hours later, I head back to my dorm after the bus drops me off with an empty stomach and an H&M bag in hand. I hate shopping- mostly because I'm too impatient to try on any of the clothes, but this time I spend a few minutes in the dressing room, trying on a few shirts I think would look good on me. I end up buying a couple button up shirts on clearance, mostly because I can hear Chase in the back of my head asking how many times I've worn that University hoodie. Every time he does, I just shrug and say that it's comfortable.

When I get back to my room, I get a text message before I can even lock the door behind me. It's Chase, and he's telling me to come over. The next message comes in saying that he's ordered a pizza, followed by a third saying that yes, he did ask them for extra pepperoni. I contemplate not going over because these feelings are still so new, but I squash those thoughts with the simple truth that I miss him.

I don't know if I'll ever work up enough of a backbone to tell him, but I know that I enjoy spending time with him- even if it's just as friends. And if I had to choose between that and sparing my fragile heart, I'd choose Chase every time.

***

Thursday rolls around and I'm sitting in the corner of Little Joe's- the coffee shop that we work at. Chase is off behind the counter, whipping up what I assume to be a dozen pumpkin spice lattes for a group of sorority girls all gabbing away at the end of the counter. I showed up halfway between his shift and he stopped for a second to bring me a drink and a warm snickerdoodle that he'd just pulled out of the toaster oven. I gave him a nod in thanks before he headed back behind the counter and back to work. It's a common occurrence for us, really. The shop tends to slow down in the late afternoons, so I usually come over and camp out in the far corner, working on the latest assignment on my list.

Chase finishes up the order just as I save the essay I'd been working on. He slumps into the chair beside me and I pull off my earphones to hear his loud sigh.

"You'd think they'd want to break the stereotype. But no, I just made six pumpkin spice lattes with extra whipped cream for a bunch of DZ girls." He rolls his eyes so hard as he leans into the cushion.

I shrug my shoulders, "Hot Girl Summer is over dude, it's officially Thotumn." That sparks a laugh from him and I could feel my insides warming up as that boyish chuckle leaves his mouth and finds rest in my ears.

"Were you able to get any work done?"

I nod, "Yeah. That paper on Nietzche proved be a lot easier than I thought." I slip my laptop back into my bag, "Looks like I'm freed up tonight after all." I turn back to him, "Down for dinner?"

He makes a face, "Actually I have plans. I'm seeing Caleb again tonight."

I try my hardest not to look disappointed, but the shear mention of his name makes me gag. "Ah, so round two with mystery boy already?" I ask, thankful that lying and playing it cool are two of my strengths.

Chase turns red in embarrassment and I take a mental picture of him blushing to revisit later. "I like this one, Griff", he says shyly, "He's been texting me all morning saying how excited he is to see me again."

I shove the jealous part of me deep in a closet and vow to never let it come out. Instead, I grab my stuff, "Then don't keep him waiting any longer, dude." I pull the bag over my shoulder, "You good to go?"

He stands, "Yeah I think so."

We walk over to the counter and say goodbye to Erika, the girl who just came through to relieve Chase after his shift. Once we get outside, he immediately takes off that black uniform baseball cap and fastens it to a belt loop as we walk back to our building. We tell each other about our week and after he talks about that grueling morning shift, he asks what I'd been up to. I tell him about my morning downtown the other day, leaving out the part about meeting Alec and he casually asks why I went without him. I brush it off, assuring that we can go back and he accepts that, just as we made it to our floor. We say goodbye and I slip in a little "good luck" which seems to put him at ease. And as he walks away, I'm left wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do the rest of the night.

Not think about Chase on a date with some guy- that's what I'm gonna do.

I end up getting lost in a couple episodes of Suits before I realize that it's almost nine. I manage to drink my way through all the bottles of water I had in my room and so i slip on a jacket, hoping to catch the cafeteria before they close.

As the front doors close behind me, I step out into the courtyard of our dorm and shiver my way towards the student center. I almost didn't notice them at first, but as I turn to see the bright green lights shining down off McKinley hall, I see Chase and Caleb huddled together at one of the nearby benches. They're deep in conversation with their backs away from me. I know it's Chase because he's wearing that navy polo he picked up the last time we went downtown together. I almost consider walking over and saying hi until I see Caleb's arm swing around and take hold of Chase's waistline. My friend doesn't recoil- instead, I swear I can see him blushing, even from this far away.

And then I see the one thing I didn't want to. Chase leans in and takes Caleb's lips. I know I shouldn't watch, but I can't help but hope that there'll be some moment of regret. I hope that Chase will pull away and realize that he didn't want to be doing that. But I'm left waiting for nothing. Caleb grabs the back of Chase's neck and pulls in him deeper.

My heart sinks. I stand there, like my vans are suddenly full of concrete. I'm suddenly not thirsty anymore. I start walking away, not wanting to subject myself to any more of this torture. After a few minutes, I can see the student center over to my right, but I stop before the short pathway that leads to it. I pull out my phone and swallow down any sense of pride I once had for myself. I write out a few words before deleting them. I settle with a simple, "You free?" and get a reply a few seconds later with an invitation to come over. I look back up at the building then back down to my phone.

I turn left instead.

***

A few minutes later, I'm knocking on his door and somewhat hoping he doesn't answer so I can go back before I do something I regret. But he does. The door opens and Derek is there, standing at the door frame with his arms crossed. He's wearing a tank top and gym shorts as he looks over at me with a knowing smirk.

"I knew you'd be back" he says, taunting me.

I ignore that and simply ask, "Can I come in?"

He steps aside and I close the door behind me. Then it's just us. He's standing close to me and I take that opportunity to look him over. Derek is one of those guys who's attractive and knows it. His muscled body is a near replica to mine which makes my cock stir.

He stands there all smug as if waiting for an explanation. But I don't give him one. I pull off my shirt and toss it aside, standing with my hands on my hips.

"If it's cool with you, I'd like to skip this banter and get down to the fun."

He raises an eyebrow and whips off his own shirt, "Fine by me." And with that, I've suddenly regained control. I slip out of my shoes and take a step towards him, curling the drawstring of his shorts around my fingers.

Derek breathes in my scent, "I thought you didn't kiss."

I pull my face closer to his so our breaths share the same airspace. "I do tonight" I say before pulling him in. Our lips crash together like two tectonic plates and from that kiss alone, I let him know that this won't be slow and gentle.

I kiss him, tasting his mouth and feeling his hands grasp at the back of my head. It's too similar to the way I saw Chase and Caleb a few minutes ago. And I know that deep down, my mind is trying to make excuses as to why I'm mimicking their actions.

It's because I wanted it to be me. I wanted to be the one to taste Chase's lips and rub my fingers against the short hairs along his neck. But here I am, crawling back to my old ways the same way Derek crawls over to the headboard, dragging me along with him. He lifts up his legs and pulls the loose shorts off so quickly that I hear his cock slap against his flat stomach. I follow his lead and shed my own shorts until the only thing standing between the two of us is that last ounce of reasoning that tells me not to do this.

But I do it anyway. I shed that, along with the rest of my clothes

Derek hands me a condom and a bottle of lube that I quickly open and lather against my long fingers. He's biting down on his bottom lip as I tease the valley between his cheeks, I drag my index finger along his pucker, feeling it wince as it makes contact with the cold gel. And after he gives me that initial nod, I slip inside him, feeling that tight hole around my fingertip. I reach for his cock and give it a few strokes which earns me a few moans from the boy looking up at me.

I remember in that moment why I hooked up as often as I did. It's the power dynamic that has me hitting up every boy who ever showed interest. It's knowing that I control how good it is for them- I'm the one responsible for making them cum. It's power. And I've spent too many years feeling powerless to my own fucked up shit that makes me a fool for wanting anything other than this.

"Flip over" I tell him once I feel like he's ready. Derek does so on command and I'm left looking down at a naked boy submitting to me and my wants. I apply more lube before slowly inserting my condom wrapped cock inside of him. He's tight and I think both of us know that this isn't gonna last very long. Derek bends his knees and lets out a deep moan as I bottom out, I lean forward and plant a soft kiss at the top of his back. He turns his head and gives me one on the cheek. I smile, thinking that maybe in another life, we could have been something. But this is just a hook-up. And as I wrap my arm around his chest, fucking him with my hard cock, I'm reminded of that fact.

***

A half hour later, I slip out of Derek's bed and put on my clothes. He leans against the headboard, panting as beads of sweat roll down his forehead. Both of us just came really hard and I know I need to get out of here while I still have my composure. He doesn't make a fuss at how quickly I slip into my clothes, instead he sits there, watching me which makes me feel less guilty. I turn back towards him as I get my shoes back on and he gives me a cocky smile. He's still naked, only covered up by loose sheets that I managed to unravel midway through our fuck. But other than that, he's fully exposed.