I'm an atheist, but even I have said, "Please, God, let me pass this test."
I shout "Jesus Christ!" when I stub my toe on the edge of the doorframe.
And I told my friend Paul the summer after high school once that I'd sell my soul for a chance to see Julia Tennyson's tits. I was lying, of course, and I realise now that I dodged a bullet on that one. I didn't want to see Julia Tennyson's tits; I wanted to see Paul Tennyson's cock, her twin brother. It was one of many failed plans at that time to get my hot straight friends horny enough that they'd want to jerk off together. No one ever took the bait and I left my teen years a blue balled virgin.
Now I'm post-grad, and post-post-grad, living in a bachelor apartment with a bachelor degree in English literature from a mediocre university. My social life is tepid at best, and my sex life is limited to Grindr one-night stands. When I had finished my first year of university still a virgin I finally broke down and got the app and fucked a med student who sweat too much; hardly the romantic meet-cute I'd always dreamed of, but it broke the dam and I'd been able to explore a bit with a few dates since then.
With all my academic credentials, I got a job at a Starbucks knockoff that makes an effort to be a good company but can still only pay minimum wage, so every December, for Christmas, my dad pays half my rent. It's the modern capitalist dream, suffering in comfortable poverty.
I don't go to church. Sunday is for binge watching shows on my laptop and jacking off. It's a holy day.
So my horny 23-year-old mind didn't think twice about what I was saying when I whispered to my work-wife BFF Tanis about our twinky new coworker, "I'd sell my soul to fuck that boy." And the only reaction I got, other than a blushing giggle from Tanis, was a warm feeling on the back of my neck like a barbershop hot towel.
I checked the ceiling for a leak and averted my eyes from Diego, the 21-year-old from the French Mediterranean that had been making it difficult for me to pour accurately ever since Tanis hired him. She may have been my blushing confidant, but she was also technically my boss. When I asked her if she had hired Diego just to set us up she did an exaggerated mime act of locking her lips and throwing away the key. It was extremely unprofessional behaviour and I nearly kissed her for it.
Summer had hit the city like a lava tsunami and the lines for cold drinks never stopped, which didn't leave much space for awkward flirting. The couple of times my pale bare forearm brushed Diego's olive skin I'd nearly spilled. It was only because of some stupid sense of responsibility, which I blamed my parents for, that I wasn't constantly ignoring customers to stare at his black hair or the ladder of subtle gold earrings that lined his left ear. When he brushed his hair back and I caught a glint of gold as he smiled at a customer I felt like I finally understood the swooning girls in those stupid 80s straight teen romance movies.
"I'm not bad looking," I thought aloud as I munched on the sandwich I'd brought from home because the ones we sold were too expensive and too small. Sitting in the cramped hallway the owners generously called a "break room" I could see my reflection in some local business awards that were hung with honour below the shift schedule. My slim face matched my body, and at the moment my blonde hair was the right length to look good while messy. If I remembered to smile I usually looked ok, but even my resting gay bitch face had a certain suave mystery in the right light. I mean, I'm 23 and I tick enough of the standard attractive boxes to know I'm doing alright, even though my flat stomach is purely from metabolism and stress clenching since I hadn't been inside a gym since high school.
"So why isn't anyone fucking me?" I mumbled aloud to no one.
"You're working minimum wage. Someone is definitely fucking you."
I choked on my sandwich.
The voice had sounded like it was right in front of me, warm and intimate, but I looked around and all I saw were boxes and shelves. I pulled at my shirt to fan myself as the air was feeling humid, like the AC had suddenly stopped.
"Who said that?"
"It's your conscience," said the voice with ghostly long vowels.
"What the fuck?" I didn't know what was going on, but I knew it wasn't that.
"Lol, fine," said the voice normally as if it was coming from someone in the room --
The air shimmered and suddenly the source was standing in front of me, a slender man with sharp features. The first thing I saw was his thick cock, dangling between his naked legs. The second thing I saw was his red skin, and the third was the short, sharp horns poking out of messy red hair.
The demon leaned in so we were face-to-face, white teeth glinting through a mischievous smile as he said, "I'm just fucking with you, but not in the way you were hoping."
"Jesus Christ!" I dropped my sandwich and instinctively kicked against the ground, but that sent me and the chair I was sitting on toppling back and I crashed against the cheap metal shelves that held all the boxes of extra cups. I fell to the ground amid bags of extra larges with an open box over my head.
In the darkness I heard the door open and Diego's voice call, "Ryan? Are you ok?"
A moment later the box was removed and the naked demon was gone, replaced by Diego kneeling between my legs looking down at me. It was a position I'd wanted to get him into, but not this way.
I tried to get up and Diego tried to help me. We ended up headbutting and I fell back as he grabbed his hurt nose.
Finally I got myself up and luckily Diego's injury was not serious. The chaos settled and I realized I was alone with Diego in the tight space, only a few inches separating our mouths and other important body parts.
"Are you ok?" he asked again.
"You know my name," I said.
He smiled. At least he found my stupidity amusing.
"I mean," I tried to correct myself, "Yes, I'm ok. It was... a spider."
Diego's cool concern quickly turned to school girl terror and he jumped towards the door, checking the floor and trying to hold his arms as close to himself and as far from the looming shelves as possible. "Oh God, is it gone?"
His panic made me feel better and I smiled, "Yes, it's gone."
The door opened again and Tanis stuck her head in, "Is everything ok in here?" She said it with a mix of legitimate concern and raised-eyebrow innuendo.
I glared at her, "Yes, we're fine."
"There was a spider." Diego's voice dripped with disgust and he continued to edge back towards the door.
"Oh no!" Said Tanis, as if a puppy had been kicked, "Did you hurt it?"
"No, I sent it to Switzerland."
Diego smiled, which brought my heartbeat back up a bit. I shooed them both out to the front where there was inevitably going to be a massive line.
