The Football Team Sizes Us Up

Getting Sized Up By the Football Team

All characters in this story are eighteen-year-old seniors in high school.

Allan-

Bo and I have been best friends since the fifth grade. We've had sleepovers at each other's houses pretty much every weekend for eight years now. We alternate houses each weekend and right now, it's my turn. Which is good because we have a party to go to. Bo and I are not big party guys -- we don't usually get invited, but tonight is different. We are not jocks by any stretch and we never really fit in most of the other guys in our class, but tonight, it was Mindy who invited us.

Parties aren't the only events that have been absent from our high school experience; dances, drinking and sex have all been missing too. Not that we want to get drunk tonight, but we'd at least like to have our first beer. It would be nice to check that item of the list before we leave for college in a few months. It's April of senior year and we are still virgins. We cruised past our eighteenth birthdays months ago with our V-Cards unswiped. Graduation is just weeks away and time is running out if our first lay is to be as high school students.

Bo and I look like exactly kind of guys who would not get lucky while still in high school. We're still hoping that looks can be deceiving.

Tonight's party is at Mindy's house. I have had a crush on her for four years, but I didn't think she even knew I existed before she personally invited me to tonight's festivities a few days ago. Her best friend is Lizzie, who happens to be the object of Bo's desires. And Mindy's house is only three blocks away from my house. Walking distance. And being eighteen-year-old adults, we have no curfew tonight.

Bo stands next to me as I look in the mirror smearing goop in my hair. "What? I want to look good."

He sticks an elbow in my ribs and I yelp.

We're both wearing jeans, t-shirts and sneakers. Neither of us want to look like we're trying too hard.

Bo says, "So, you're not worried about tonight at all?"

I say, "I have plenty of condoms to share."

"That's not what I meant."

"Then what?"

"This a party full of football asshole jocks. Why exactly are we going?"

I sigh, "I already told you all of this. Mindy's parents are out of town and she's having a party. She invited us. She's who we'll hang out with. Yes, her twin brother Rex invited his friends; the footballers. We'll be with the girls and the guys won't be paying any attention to us. It's perfect."

"What about...you know...The Virgin Hunt."

"That's not a real thing."

"Ask Matt and Dan from last year. They're pretty sure it was real."

"No one knows we're virgins."

"Allan, everyone who attends that school who hasn't had sex with us knows we're virgins."

Now I stick him with an elbow. "The Virgin Hunt is just urban legend."

The rarely spoken of story is that toward the end of every school year, the seniors on the football team pick two virgins from the senior class. They have to figure out a way un-virgin-ate these two guys. Like, if it were real and we were the targets at tonight's party, then we would enter the party as virgins and walk out...deflowered.

I say to Bo, "I don't believe they actually do it."

"Allan, they do. It's like with boys' swim team. Every year one night in January when it's freezing outside, they have to spend an evening walking around in every store on Main Street wearing nothing but a pair of flip flops and a pair of speedos. They have to do it. It's tradition."

"This isn't the swim team. They don't even really know us."

"They're gonna know us before tonight's over."

"We're not going for them. We're partying with the girls, not the boys. And besides, even if you're right. How awesome would that be? It's their job to help us to lose our virginities. And consider the girls who will be there. What have we got to lose? Literally, we can only lose the one thing that we both want to lose. What could go wrong?"

Bo-

Yeah. What could go wrong? I'm afraid a lot can. Allan is too tunnel visioned on Mindy to realize the potential for disaster. If I was guaranteed private quality alone time with Lizzie, then I'd be all in. I am just afraid that tonight is not going to go exactly as Allan thinks it will.

He's finally done mucking around with his hair. It's 8:00. If we leave now, we'll be ten minutes fashionably late.

Our Friday nights usually consist of video games and pizza. Every Friday for eight years. The only variable is whose house we're at. Maybe Allan's right. I guess no matter what happens tonight it'll be more fun than the typical old routine.

It's unusually hot and humid for late April in Houston. Allan and I both showered after school before I came over to his house and this sticky three block walk feels a little like another shower. Maybe I should have put on a second layer of deodorant.

I look over at my best friend. I hope this works out. We both deserve it. Just because we're not popular jocks doesn't mean any girl wouldn't be lucky to have us. Barf. I sound like my mom. But in truth, we're both smart, funny and decent looking guys -- regardless of the ridiculous goop in his hair. Allan has brown hair, green eyes and at 5'10", he's one inch taller than me. I have dirty blond hair and brown eyes. I think we're above average, but that could be just me.

We make it to Mindy's house and it seems like we're the last to arrive. I am relieved when everything appears to be pretty subdued. There's no ground shaking music rattling the windows. There are red solo cups around, but no one's acting crazy. No one's drunk. People seem to be chill and just hanging out.

It's Mindy and Lizzie who greet us at the door. Allan looks like he's about to burst. Lizzie smiles at me and my cheeks flush.

But then I feel two big strong hands clamp down on my shoulders. It's Kevin (I don't know his last name), Rex's best friend. He says, "Bo! Allan! It's good to see you! Follow me. The guys are downstairs."

"I think we're gonna hang out up here with the girls," I say.

Rex materializes in front of us, handing us each a full red cup. He says, "That's not how these parties work. We'll mix things up with boys and girls later on. For now, it's girl talk and gossip upstairs, and guy fun downstairs."

Allan says, "Oh." He looks at me and shrugs. "I guess it's guy fun."

We each take our first ever sips of beer. His expression looks like mine feels. I didn't expect to love it, but it's way acrider than I thought it would be. If we're gonna be hanging out with these guys for a while, I need to at least pretend to like this shit. Maybe as I keep drinking, I'll get used to it.

I glance at Allan as we make our way down the basement stairs. He whispers, "We just need to be cool and hang out with the guys for a few hours, then -- it's Mindy and Lizzie time."

The bottom of the stairs reveals a large, finished basement. There are a couple couches and recliners, two big-screen tv's that are both off, and quiet music playing from a Bluetooth speaker. It's mostly just a bunch of guys in small clusters talking. There are maybe a dozen of them.

Rex announces to his friends, "The big men are here!"

Everyone laughs. It's funny because physically, we're like middle-schoolers compared to these beefy football jocks.

Kevin raises his cup and everyone else follows suit, "To Allan and Bo!" Everyone takes a gulp.

Are we all drinking the same thing? I'm on my fifth sip at this point and it is becoming ever so slightly more tolerable. Allan's seems to be 3/4 of the way gone already. I start glugging to catch up.

Allan-

Rex almost whispers to me, "So, you like my sister, huh?"

I feel my face turn as red as the cup in my hand. "Uh, yeah."

Speaking of my cup, it's empty now and somehow a new, full one materializes in my hand.

Rex says, "No worries. It's cool. As long as you pass my test, I won't stand in your way."

I laugh, but he doesn't. I figured he was joking. "What kind of test?"

"She went out with Eric for a year. She got hurt. I don't want her to get hurt again."

I swallow more astringent beer, "Isn't he your teammate?"

"He's also an asshole."

I laugh again because he is. "I was glad when they broke up a couple weeks ago."

Rex asks, "You've had a crush on Mindy for a long time, haven't you?"

"Four years." Why did I say that? That was dumb. It's like my filter was turned off somehow.

He guides me over to one side of the room, a little away from where Bo, Kevin and a few other guys are talking.

He says, "The test is no big deal. It basically just me getting to know you a little. But you have to be honest with me. I'll know if you're lying."

I nod.

John and Nadir have joined us. John starts talking about his date last weekend with Kelly and how they made out in the backseat of his car for like an hour after the movie they had gone to. As he tells his story, I can't help but notice that my crotch is firming up. Why is this happening? The details were not particularly graphic and there were no visual aids.

Rex shoulder bumps me and asks, "How many girls have you dated."

With zero hesitation I say, "None." What the fuck is my problem? He said not to lie, but I could have made that sound a lot less pathetic.

Nadir pats my butt, then slides his hand up my back, "He's too much of a stud to get tied down. He doesn't need to date anyone. How many chicks have you scored with?"

"I'm still a virgin." Oh my god! Is there truth serum in the beer? What kind of idiot am I?

John says, "No way, dude." He puts his arm around me squeezed my shoulder and gropes his way down my bicep. "You're a good-looking guy. Who wouldn't want to hook up with this?"

"Please. I'm nothing to look at. I'm no athlete like you guys."

Nadir, with his hand now rubbing circles into my back says, "Maybe he has hooked up plenty. You only asked about girls."

My face flushes and for some unknown reason, my crotch stiffens even more. "I've never been with a guy either." At least my missing filter didn't embarrass me this time.

John says, "Ever? Everybody has some degree of bi-curiosity. Don't you do sleepovers with Bo every week?"

"Yeah, and not that there's anything wrong with that, but we're not gay. Or bi. We're just best friends."

Rex asks, "On your sleepovers, do you two share the same bed?"

"Yeah." Dammit! What's wrong with me!

John says, "You could be bi and not know it. Maybe we'll find out during the Gay Test."

"The Gay Test?" I ask.

Rex shoots John a dirty look, "Let's not get ahead of ourselves. One step at a time. Back to your looks, believe me, Allan. Not every girl, or guy, gives a shit about muscles or working out or being a jock."

John still has his hand on my bicep and he give a gentle squeeze. "You must work out some?"

These guys all look like professional bodybuilders and I'm a twig. I say, "Not at all." It's like my mouth and my brain have no connection.

Rex says, "Lets see." He reaches over and lifts my shirt, revealing my thin but muscle-free belly. None of them laugh, but they all smirk. "Well, if you do workout, you definitely don't spend time on crunches or sit-ups. You're not exactly rocking the sixpack abs there."

John says, "You have the tummy of a ten-year-old. But that's okay. Your little innie belly button is really cute."

Nadir says, "You said you're no athlete. You know what? You don't have to be, but I think it's time to take your measurements."

What the hell does that mean. Rex pulls a cloth tape measure out of his back pocket and suddenly the four of us are having our biceps measured. He also has a clipboard that came from who knows where and he records our stats. He announces the results, "So, with no flexing, John is 19 inches, I am 18 inches, Nadir is 17 inches and Allan is 11 inches."

I have no idea what average is, but these guys are all way over average.

Nadir says, "Rex said not all girls prefer muscles. Let's find out." He takes off his shirt and so does John. Wow. There is hair and muscle everywhere. Nadir reaches over and pulls my t-shirt right off. I feel ridiculous standing between these two ripped dudes. Rex reaches into my back pocket and takes my cell phone.

Rex starts recording and instructs the three of us to flex and pose and put on a show. I set my second -- now empty -- cup down on the table and play along. We're all laughing and it's kind of fun. Rex has a guy I haven't met yet run the phone up to the girls and instructs him to show the video to ten of them. He wants a report back on ten votes for a winner.

Nadir puts his arm around me, both of us still shirtless. "That was fun. You're a good sport. I think it's time to continue the measurements." He moves me around and measures me everywhere from the waist up. When he gets my chest size, I get an inadvertent tickle in the armpits. When he does my waist, I get a poke in the belly like the Pilsbury Dough Boy. Rex continues to record all measurements.

I ask, "Can I put my shirt back on?"

John says, "Of course. A little later."

I look around and I actually don't see my shirt anywhere. I tell them, "I'm bigger than Bo."

Rex says, "We'll get to comparisons later, but in the meantime, we'll call you Big Dude."

These football players are all very handsy. I've been nudged and bumped and tapped and patted all over my body. And every touch makes the swelling in my crotch increase. I'm glad I wore jeans tonight. Any lighter fabric and my almost-boner would be obvious to everyone by now. Maybe this touching is just how football players are. But then I realize that they are not touching each other like this. Just me. Like I'm their play thing.

Bo-

I notice Allan kind of dancing and goofing around shirtless with a few guys on the other side of the room. What is going on over there?

I'm sitting on the floor in a circle with Kevin, Dave and Ben. I've finished two whole cups of beer and I'm feeling pretty good. I was offered a third, but I said maybe later. I wanted to drink some tonight, but I don't want to get drunk.

So far, we've been talking mostly about video games. It's the one thing I have in common with these guys. I've shared a few tips and we've actually been having a decent time. Out of nowhere, Ben asks me, "So, what's the gayest thing you and Allan have ever done together?"

I feel my face flush and a tightening in my jeans, but I give an honest answer, "Nothing."

Dave says, "Oh, come on. It's just between us. We're just friends hanging out, talking. We won't tell anyone. We know you have weekly sleepovers together. Something must have happened at some point. Tell us."

"But it really hasn't. Never."

Kevis asks, "But you wouldn't mind if something did happen." It's a statement, not a question. "It could be totally innocent. Do you two ever play wrestle?"

"We really don't."

Ben says, "Or a tickle fight?" And suddenly he jumps and tackles Dave. He's on top of him and squeezing at his sides as Dave howls in laughter.

Dave shouts, "Dude, you are so dead!"

They continue to roll around on the floor and Kevin and I watch and laugh. As Ben and Dave battle, I can't help but notice that my jeans fill even more. Why?

Kevin asks me, "So, do you?"

"What?"

"Have tickle fights with Allan."

"We did just once." Why did I answer that question? Where is my judgement?

Kevin asks, "Why did you stop after just once? Did one or both of you pop mini boners and get embarrassed?"

"It was both of us. How did you know?" Shit! There I go again.

He puts an arm around me, "It's an easy guess. When you're a teenaged boy, looking at pictures of head lice can turn you on, not to mention rolling around with someone and getting tickled. Are you still ticklish?"

"I don't know. No one ever tries to tickle me."

He slips his hand under my arm and digs a little into my ribs. "You're missing out."

I twist away from him and he says, "I guess that answers my question." He holds his hands palms up, like a surrender, and slides closer to me again. "You like Lizzie, right?" His knee is touching mine and I feel a little jolt of electricity.

I nod. Dave and Ben are now done with their fun.

Dave says, "Lizzie likes sensitive guys. Are you sensitive Bo?"

"Yes."

Ben smiles, "That's something we're gonna have to put to the test."

"I don't think I..."

"Little Dude, this is going to be a whole lot of fun," says Kevin with a wink.

For some reason, that wink makes my crotch tighten even more.

Allan-

There seems to be a tickle fight going on over by Bo, but he's just watching and laughing. The random guy with my phone makes his way back downstairs and has the report for Rex. "You're never gonna believe this. John got one vote, Nadir got two votes and Allan got seven!" He hands Rex my phone.

I ask, "Can I have my phone back? And where's my shirt?"

Rex slips my phone in his back pocket, "You won't need it for a while. I'll keep it safe for you."

Nadir has a big stupid grin on his face as he fist-bumps me, "You won! See? Cute beats muscles."

I blush again and again, my crotch swells.

John says, "Big Dude, how much do you weigh?"

My brain wants to say 150, but my mouth is incapable of telling a lie right now. "135," I say.

Nadir chuckles, "Big Dude, there are guys here who literally double that."

Rex says, "While we do lower half measurements, we're also going to begin the next phase of the test. In keeping with the theme of comparing jocks to...not jocks, we'll do smells next."

"Smells?"

Nadir puts his arm around me again, "Don't worry Big Dude. You already won muscle round. Not in actual size, but the girls voted. You won 7 to 2 to 1. You'll do fine in this round too."

Suddenly, I'm being pushed down onto the couch. John holds my ankles and Nadir slides off both of my high tops. He says, "I just gotta check your size for our records."

"You could have just asked me."

"No worries, Big Dude. You need your shoes off for measurements and the scales anyway." He bends back the tongue of my left sneaker and reads the label, "A perfect ten," he tells the group.

Rex makes a notation, "Big Dude, besides you and Bo, I don't think anyone else in the room is smaller than a twelve. But that's okay. Man is not measured strictly by the size of his biceps or his feet. But we do need the tape measure. The way your shoes slipped off so easily, you might actually be wearing bigger than you are."

John sits on my legs with his broad back to me. I'm trapped and I can't see past him, but I feel both socks get pulled off. Hands are all over my feet, prodding, squeezing... It kind of feels good until I get a few tickle swipes up the arches that make me flail feebly behind him. I feel the tape measure getting pressed against the contours of my naked foot and Nadir declares me to be nine inches.

Rex makes a tsk tsk sound, "I'll be generous and call you a 9 1/2. I knew you were wearing bigger than your size. You just like slipping in and out of your shoes, don't you?"

Nadir says, "I think he thinks his feet are cute. When he walks in his shoes, his heels slip halfway out with each step. And these Osiris he's wearing...the style, the colors...he wants to draw attention to his feet."

Rex says, "Okay, we've got the size, now for the smell."

John gets off me and he and Nadir each take one of my socks, put it to their noses and inhale deeply. Seeing these beefy guys smelling my socks has me at almost full-on erection. They both laugh and pass the socks to Rex. John says, "I knew it. There's no smell at all. Nothing. Not even a little bit. If anything, they smell like fresh laundry."

Rex sniffs both socks at once, smiles and agrees with his friends.

I don't know why, but I find it embarrassing that I don't have a manly funk. And the humiliation is turning me on. I try to defend my lack of stink, "Hey, guys, I took a shower right before coming here. I usually do stink. I just happen to be shower fresh right now."