I made the mistake of telling a my friend Mike that I had experimented with anal toys. Next thing I know I'm crouching my naked ass just above his thick, veiny, greased up pickle, wondering whether or not I could actually do it.
It started about a month ago. My name is Patrick, Patty to my friends. Just your average slim, freckled, red headed Irish boy. Straight and Catholic. I'm 18 and it's my last year before college. Its the priest's fault. Last month he was preaching on and on about the dangers of homosexuality. He just kept going on and on about the perversions of anal sex and sodomy. The assistant priest had to put his hands on his shoulders to calm him down. He was red faced and screaming up there. It was like he was obsessed with it, and now so was I.
The greatest sin in the book, the priest called it. Worse than murder, worse than stealing, worse than genocide. You didn't get any more evil than a sodomite. But how could that be? As your average catholic school kid I had done just about everything except straight sex, I could grind with my lab partner Stacy until the crotch wore out on my jeans, but the idea of actually fucking her was a one-way trip to hell. Pre-marital sex was the evilest thing I could think of, I would say a hail mary after each time I jacked off thinking about it, I used to be obsessed with that. And now I find out there is something worse? It didn't make sense.
At first I was just trying to picture it, just to understand what it even was. Ok, I get why I guy would want to stick his willy up someone's bottom, any bottom (as a good catholic boy I was taught never to swear or be vulgar). There are all kinds of perverts. I had a cousin who would carve a hole in a water melon and stick his mickey in there. I know this because he carved two holes in one and asked me to do it with him, some boys are just sick.
But why would a guy want a doodle up his own fanny? I went to online and found ad after ad on site after site of guys begging for other guys to put their pickles up their bottoms. To do something so gross, that's so bad for you (according to the priest), you must be getting something out of it. The filter on my computer blocked all the gross porn-o websites, thank God, but that also meant I couldn't actually see how a boy could enjoy that. That same sick cousin once paid me ten bucks lick his underwear, he wasn't in it, but it was still gross. These guys in the ads weren't even asking for money. Could it possibly feel.... good to have a hog inside of your rear?
This question bothered me day in and day out. It was all I could think about. I started to understand why that priest was so angry, but I still couldn't figure out why someone would even want to do something so perverted.
I decided I had to do an experiment, just so I could get this sodomy business out of my head. First I went to the "bad," high-school across town posing as a student. I just snuck in line behind the other students through the metal detector. Inside the school I found the legendary bowl full of condoms all the kids at my school used to whisper about, I could hardly believe it was real. It was in the nurses office, just sitting there like it was no big deal. When I took a couple, the nurse just looked up at me bored, then back down to her book. She didn't even try to stop me, what kind of Gomorrah was this place?
I went back home and searched around the house for something that might work, when I found my mothers broom I knew I was in business. I cleaned it first, unrolled the condom over the top of the handle (being a good catholic boy with no sex education this took several tries).
I was scared, I half expected the devil to walk into my room and scream "Gotcha!." Standing, I placed the tip of this wooden rod at the base of my hole, and sat downward. My heart was pumping. It hurt going in, but after the top popped in the rest just slid inside me pretty easily. I felt something, it was weird, kind of good maybe, but it wasn't the greatest sin in the book by any means. I couldn't imagine people risking their very souls over homo-sexuality if this was as good as it gets.
I needed to take it a step farther. I bought a vibrator online with my parent's credit card, it would be billed as "City E-Lectrics" so hopefully they would never noticed. I tried whacking my noodle with the vibrator up me, it felt good, but it still wasn't quite enough.
Before these days I barely ever relieved my self, you know, sexually? Now I had to go into the church bathroom after every sermon this priest gave, as sodomy was all he seemed concerned about. Phrases like, "Hell fire and damnation of the worst variety exist for the boy who tempts other men into placing their manhoods inside of him!" I got this weird feeling up my bottom when the priest shouted, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't soothe it.
The vibrator was nice but I felt guilty after each time so I threw it out, in the neighbors trash can of course. It wasn't getting me where I wanted anyway, I was looking up "thrusting sex machines" (in the 1000s of dollars) when I decided I should just pray harder, and let myself fall into God's hands. As it turns out the Lord our God had plans for me indeed.
Like I said I'm a good catholic boy, but idle hands are the devils playpen and on one extremely boring day me and my buddy Mike jimmied open the special cabinet in the school chapel and stole some communion wine. Don't judge me too harshly, I felt pretty bad doing it. Mike is 19, making him the older one, so he shouldn't of led me astray.
We where getting buzzed in Mikes parent's room, we found his dad's playboys under the bed and were flipping through them. A sister at school once told us picturing a naked lady sometimes happens on accident, so it was not a sin as long as you didn't picture her for more then ten seconds. So we timed our selves looking at the naked pics for eight seconds, then stopping, then looking again for 8, and so on.
Drunkenly Mike decided we should confess our sins to each other in case we died before tomorrow's mass. I agreed, I mean you never know. It turns out Mike was guilty about spanking off his hot dog almost all the time. As much as twice a day sometimes, can you believe it?! I was feeling pretty guilty about playing around with the whole greatest sin thing, and stealing my parent's credit card to buy that vibrating willy. So drunk as a skunk, I told him about it. He got quiet for a while, and we went back to our playboy time game. I felt like a pervert, he's not a priest, I shouldn't have confessed to him.
"You know Patty, it probably didn't work because your fake willies, the broom handle and the vibrator, aren't anything like what a real willy looks like. Like this, for example."
Mike was so drunk he stumbled as he stood up. Then he just undid his fly and pushed his pants down and there was his hard lollipop, about 6 inches growing into seven. Veiny and uncut, with a brownish foreskin over the pink head. It was like it was coming at me, enticing me to sin. Like the snake did to Eve, this snake was coming at me.
