Chapter 4
At the Poke place, Jordan and I both ordered our food. The ahi tuna with brown rice looked really good. We sat down at a table sitting on the opposite side of each other. The topics started off with what kind of classes we were taking, the jobs that we've had, experiences with life, and things of that sort. It turns out that Jordan's business major, I mean I can already see him being successful in upper management, he's got the charisma, good looks, and personality.
Then the conversation shifted to more personal topics, like how our family is, do we have any siblings, and things like that. I brought up the fact that my mom would like to invite him over to our house later after we sort out all the boxes in our house. Jordan offered to help us move the boxes around.
"So Nate, have you ever dated before?" No, it is embarrassing to say, but as a 20-year old, I have never dated thus far in the history of my life. Partially because I don't trust people, and partially because I have a massive crush on the guy sitting right in front of me.
Should I tell Jordan that I have a crush on him? Will that scare him away?
"No, I haven't dated anyone thus far" I tried to answer as much as I can in a neutral tone.
"What?! You haven't dated all your life?! Well, that is really surprising, I mean man, you're pretty good-looking, I would have thought that girls would throw themselves to you!" Jordan said with his hands gesturing and waving up and down at me, and a visibly shocked expression.
To hear that Jordan thinks that I am good-looking was a HUGE compliment, in fact, I felt my dick getting semi-erect from this conversation. I debated whether or not I should tell Jordan that I am gay. Normally I would tell other people with no problem, but what if after Jordan knows that I'm gay he would start to avoid me? I do not want to ruin our friendship that has just begun to start. After debating with myself for what seemed like an eternity, I finally decided to come out to Jordan.
"Jordan, I'm actually gay," I said. Shit, I shouldn't have said that, what was my dumbass thinking.
"Hey man, good for you Nate! I bet there will be a lot of cute guys throwing themselves at you" To my surprise, Jordan reacted well to the news, and I felt super relieved upon hearing his encouragement and support.
But the only cute guy I want is you.
"How about you Jordan, have you dated anyone?" I asked back, hoping that Jordan would say that he is single and he's gay.
"Yeah, I dated a couple of girls in high school, and the one from my senior year of high school is my current girlfriend "
My heart sank to rock bottom, I knew it! I knew that this was going to happen, what are the chances that Jordan was going to be gay and single? None! A guy like him is a chicks' magnet. And with this response, all of my bubbles and fantasies have burst, I felt like a black hole sucking the essence out of my soul.
"Cool, that's awesome" I drily said.
We finished our conversation at the Poke place and I went back to my car and cried for a good amount of time. I felt heartbreak even though I haven't dated yet. On my way back, I thought about how I too fell into the common trope of falling for a straight guy.
To my suprise in the evening, Jordan actually rang the doorbell and stood at our front door. When I opened the door for him, I tried to avoid looking him directly in the eye, I was scared that he will find out my feelings for him. Even though I can't be boyfriend with Jordan, I still wanted to be friends with him.
