With the current fashion for newlyweds to have their wedding night nuptials committed to canvas, I have become familiar with sketching hesitant couples alongside their conjugal beds. Painting such tender moments presents a fascinating artistic challenge and I've developed a reputation for capturing the mood of the marital suite with discretion and sensitivity.
What I hadn't anticipated was that, inevitably perhaps, one day the happy couple asking for my services would turn out to be two men.
My first instinct was to say no to the two soon-to-be grooms: I really didn't want to sketch two naked men consummating their marriage one behind the other. It wasn't a matter of principle - simply a matter of artistic taste. I didn't find the joining of two male bodies aesthetically appealing and felt that I wouldn't be able to depict this wholly masculine form of sex with the same sense of intimacy and passion that has earned me so many recommendations from my heterosexual clients.
But when I told my wife of my misgivings she was quick to warn me against a flat refusal.
"There was a case of a hotel or a cake shop or something," she informed me, "where the owners refused to serve two gay men. They were taken to court and they lost a lot of money through it. You can't discriminate just because you don't agree with something."
"It's not that I don't agree with it," I quickly clarified. "What two gay blokes get up to is their own business. It's just that I'm not sure I can paint it how they'll want it - full of eroticism and intensity."
"Come on, Michael!" she laughed. "You were in the navy all those years. Surely you've seen men... you know... enjoying each other's company!"
"Of course I have," I nodded. "But I didn't have to paint it."
"You must have seen a certain beauty in it - something you could express in your painting."
"They were just randy sailors using each other for relief," I shrugged. "Their sex was frantic and functional... nothing like the sensual connection that this couple will obviously want me to show."
I'd also never properly watched my shipmates having sex. Those who needed to use such outlets had retreated to the ship's quietest corners to trade their illicit favours. The times I had stumbled across pairs of men with their trousers hitched down, I'd quickly backed away without investigating further.
"Well, if you really don't want to do the job, just double your normal price," my wife suggested. "That'll soon put them off."
I decided that was an excellent idea and the next day I e-mailed my reply to the man who'd sent me the request: a man called Adam Cooper, soon to be Adam Cooper-West. Instead of my normal fee for three consummatory paintings, I quoted ten thousand pounds. Surely nobody would be prepared to pay that sort of dosh!
Adam queried the price, of course, but I was ready with my answer. With heterosexual wedding night paintings I could reference the large bank of sketches I'd accumulated over the years. Because this sort of illustration was entirely new to me, I'd have to start from scratch, which would at least double the time needed to complete the three works.
Bullshit, but convincing bullshit.
Convincing enough for him to come back with a 'yes'.
It turned out, though, that they wanted six paintings done of the two of them in flagrante with the total cost payable running to twenty grand.
Twenty grand, I ask you!
Twenty big ones for what would basically be a month's work once I'd completed my sketches of the two of them doing the deed in the bridal suite after exchanging their vows.
Whatever my artistic tastes when it came to painting love-making, this was the sort of job I simply couldn't refuse.
Once all the paperwork had been drawn up and signed, the happy couple came to see me in my studio so we could go through the logistics of the evening and I could make some preliminary sketches showing the aspects of their intimacy they wanted each painting to depict.
Most straight couples are fairly predictable on that score. They want a painting of their foreplay and then two depicting their first wedded sex - one a tender embrace full of romance and devotion, and the second showing their excitement and passion during the throes of their joint orgasm.
How much nudity they want in the paintings varies depending on the couple and what they intend to do with the artwork. If a painting is to go above the mantelpiece, tastefulness and subtlety are the key requirements. Arms and legs are cunningly positioned and bedsheets casually draped to conceal anything too graphic for public display.
Some couples, on the other hand, want to keep their pictures hidden away from prying eyes and in those cases the request can be rather more explicit.
The grooms of such pairings usually like their penises to be depicted as large and virile: the shaft thickened and veiny and the head a polished dark purple like an opulent gemstone. They want me to show their brides kissing and licking their extravagant manhoods, as if finally relishing the feast of dribbling precum that they had so ardently longed for during the chastity of courtship. Then they want me to paint them heroically claiming their prize with their huge phalluses buried deep between their new wives' quivering legs. They unfailingly approve of the way I gratuitously emphasize whatever masculine features they bring to the bed: the way their testicles swell and protrude as if heavy with their seed, and how their bodies appear so lithe and muscular as they tense and flex and achieve their longed-for release.
Aside from a few rare cases it is the males of the couples who have been the ones to request the most graphic and carnal scenes from my brush; the brides, in contrast, prefer to be illustrated less emphatically than men. They ask to appear smooth and curvaceous, their feminine sexuality made to appear indistinct and submissive, and some even demand to be enveloped in a sheen of soft focus.
I wasn't sure what Adam and Stephen would expect from the six paintings they'd commissioned from me.
They called into my studio on their way home from work, and what struck me first was the sheer size of the two men. They were both imposingly tall and well-built, although neither had the slightest suggestion of fat, and they presented a very handsome couple, turning up smartly attired in their expensively tailored suits. Adam was older than Stephen and had made his money in banking, and at first they gave a stronger impression of being business partners rather than romantic ones.
Their formal attire and meticulous manners made me wonder if they would request mainly artistic depictions of how their marriage was to be consummated. I was anticipating a careful use of shading and lighting to obscure the two sets of male genitals on my subjects, and presenting their more intimate moments with ambiguity so that their intercourse was merely hinted at rather than announced.
As they sat down in front of my desk, Adam, the larger of the two men, explained that the paintings would be deeply personal mementos of their special day to be shown only to other like-minded gay couples who had similar marital artwork they were willing to share.
"So these aren't paintings you'll be showing to your... er... respective parents?" I asked. I usually say 'grandchildren' at this point but that didn't seem wholly appropriate.
"Oh, absolutely not," Adam replied. "We'd like them to be a... well... very honest and frank record of our first night together as two married men."
He glanced at his young fiancé Stephen who nodded and smiled his agreement. "That's right," he beamed over at me. "We'd like our excitement and intimacy to be shown in all its glory."
"And if you don't mind me asking... will you be masturbating one another... enjoying oral sex...?"
Adam nodded. "We'll have foreplay, yes, and then move onto full intercourse."
"I see... full intercourse..." I muttered, making a note on my pad.
"Yes, of course. We'll be having full intercourse together."
"And do you want a painting of you both like that... showing the two of you actually bumming?"
