The Pinball Machine

It was a Wednesday afternoon of the week after, Ricardo had just showered after a classic fraternal fight with his brother, when he picked up his phone and saw a text, a text from someone with a profile starring a familiar dog, Arash. He was informing Ricardo that he was invited to his mother's wake through the Internet. It instantly surprised Ricardo who had been occasionally thinking about him lately.

He thought about telling Marco, but he just did not want to, mostly because he wanted to focus on just spending time with him instead of focusing their conversation on his ex. That still left the question of what to do, he had told Arash that he was going to be there for him, and he still loved him very deeply, but he also was hurt by him.

It seemed only normal for Arash to have broken his heart one day, after all he was bipolar, he was the one to introduce the reality of the concept to Ricardo. Times before he had left, but that did not make it easier to survive it. Still, he felt resentment towards Arash.

That still left the question of what to do with the invitation, should he ignore it? Show that he had moved on and continue exploring his relationship with Marco? Or should he accept it, knowing that it was a gateway drug to Arash and his charms?

He decided to be cordial and thank Arash for his invitation and then uneasily offered his support once again. He got a similar response, a thank you he had come to recognize as that of the moments when Arash was away. After saying a couple more things Arash went offline, which made Ricardo chuckle in disappointment as he went back to his day.

He thought about how funny it would be to tell Marco, he would say that he was right about Arash, but then he got another text from Arash, this one telling him that they could call for a while.

Ricardo suddenly felt his heartbeat accelerate, he felt agitated, after all he had not seen Arash in a long while. He told Arash to call him and he prepared for that, but not before Arash told him that he was naked but covered. After staring at the white screen of Skype for a while, it changed and showed the incoming call. He picked up and saw him.

A handsome middle-aged man, he had sharp masculine facial features, a salt and pepper full beard, he was wearing his glasses, which always made him look so smart. His hairy chest and shoulders were also showing. Ricardo felt his entire body react, from the most rational part of his brain, to his cock. He wished he could see more of him.

-Hey- Said Ricardo in the most confident voice he could muster

-Hello, how are you?-

Better without you, thought Ricardo

-I am great and you?-

-I am doing fine, what have you been doing?-

-Not much, I was playing some videogames. What about you?-

-I am just resting, I have a meal with my brother and some family friends later-

-Which one?- Ricardo was aware Arash had 2 brothers, both lived in different cities

-Aryan-

-Oh he is still in town, until when? Where is Arsyn?-

-Until Monday, Arsyn left a couple of days ago-

-How are they?-

-Unbearable-

A part of Ricardo felt good to hear this, but he did not want to admit it

-How so?-

-He has just been so horrible, the other day he even tried to choke me-

Ricardo was shocked at that, he knew that that Aryan was emotionally stunted as he had heard about him from Arash but he did not think he was still this way

-Oh wow-

-Yes, he has been awful, Arsyn too, both have been so indifferent to how I have felt-

-I am so sorry to hear that, they should not do that- Ricardo truly meant this, as much as Arash sucked, he still cared for him-

-It has all happened so fast, I have had no time to even process it, I feel like I am losing my mind-

-I am sorry to hear that Ari, I am here for you- Another statement that came out of his heart, and that Marco would have not liked

-I know, thank you for that- As he said that he looked at Ricardo with his reassuring eyes, which made him feel weird

-I still wish I could have been there from the start- Again, true

Ricardo's mind and heart were racing, he was thinking about so many things but Marco's advice was one of the most prevalent

-Thank you, listen, I want us to be friends, that is why I am back here-

-Just that?- Ricardo knew that was coming but it still stung

-Yes, I just don't want to be in a relationship, especially after what has happened this month, I just have learned that when you love someone they leave-

So melodramatic, thought Ricardo, he knew he himself was very emotional and dramatic but this felt like next level even for him. The truth that he knew however was, that Arash was bipolar, it was such a wrench in his thought process. From the time he confessed this to him, Ricardo tried to become as informed about the issue, because he knew that it had already affected their relationship; A couple of times Arash had just left him, after spending so much time and energy developing their relationship, he would just suddenly change his mind, at first Ricardo thought that this was just Arash and he thought he ought to walk away, but everything changed after he told him that.

-I want to be in your life, just not sure if I only want to be your friend-

-Well truly, that is the only thing I can be here for-

-Feel like this is a trap- Said Ricardo instead of just thinking it

-I don't want you to feel trapped, I don't want you to do anything that you don't feel comfortable with or that will cause you some anguish-

-I do love spending time with you- Blurted out Ricardo and he was going to continue

-Yeah so what would change?- Interrupted Arash

-Well for starters the amount of time-

it was strange, Ricardo did want him, but he did not want him like this. He did not want Arash to be an acquaintance, but he also did not want to get away with having put him through all the hurt he did without apologizing.

-Well we wouldn't be speaking all days but I would still be here-

-I guess I would just miss the other elements of talking to you-

-And I know that but that is as much as I can offer right now, but it seems like me reaching out hurts you more than it does well so I think I will back off-

-No, don't, listen, I do want to be around you. I just have some stuff to deal with. But for the time being I want to be there for you and to support you. You just went through some pretty big stuff, and I don't want to leave you alone through that-

-Then support me, be there for me, and be my friend, just think about it-

-I will think about it- Ricardo wanted to at least seem conflicted-

-I need to go, I need to take my dog out before the dinner-

-I hope it goes well-

-Me too- Chuckled Arash

-I guess see you then-

-Text me if you want-

-I don't have your phone number-

-How even?-

- I deleted it after you left-

-Whatever- Said Arash with a smile while rolling his eyes

-Go, go to your meal, we can talk after-

-Okay, bye then-

Ricardo hung up, he had a weird habit of needing to be the person to hang up, that sometimes had been a little awkward as he had hung up on Arash as he was saying something important. Ricardo stayed on the laptop and he started watching a video, he needed to rest and take his mind off him. For a single moment he had gotten distracted but then he saw that there was a notification on Skype, he knew who it was but he was curious about what it was. He went ahead and he checked the message, or really messages. Arash had left around 5 messages for him.

Arash: Just be my friend, see what happens

Arash: Think about it

Arash: And if you want to text me

Arash: (Phone number)

Arash: If you feel like texting something text it

Ricardo sent Arash a quick text, he did not even save his number. He felt conflicted about it, but in a weird way. He was trying to pinpoint why he was feeling that way. Was it because he did not love Arash? No, because he was angry at Arash? No, although he was angry. Because he did not want to be with Arash anymore? Also no. Then it hit him, Marco.

He started thinking about the guy, he thought about how he would feel when he heard that Ricardo had spoken to Arash, he knew it would not be jealousy as Marco very clearly did not see him that way, but instead probably disappointment. Still, that was not all of it, because he felt this weird feeling, a feeling of cheating. Why though? He was no with Marco, heck for all he knew Marco saw him as an angsty teen. But all the time they had spent together, all the jokes, and especially that weird future with him, they all conflicted him.

After considering it for a while, he decided to text Marco, he was a little afraid but he knew it was the right thing.

Ricardo: Hey, how are you? I wanted to tell you something

Marco: Hello, what is it?

Ricardo: Arash has invited me to his mother's wake

Marco: I guess it is a good thing that you can't travel there, for once yay for Canadian travel restrictions.

Ricardo: Oh no, it is a zoom thing

Marco: So are you actually considering going? After everything? After the way he treated you?

Ricardo: I mean going to his mother's wake does not mean that I have forgiven him or I will go back to being with him

Marco: Doesn't it though? You know yourself and I know you. Don't lie to both of us

Ricardo: It is just I feel bad about what he is going on. I have never experienced something like that so I can't even comprehend what he must feel like

Marco: That doesn't matter! What the fuck does that change? His mom died after he cheated on you, after he tried to backtrack your relationship, so it does not matter.

Ricardo: But he was in an episode

Marco: Stop rationalizing it. You create a false dichotomy between him and hie episodes. So you say that all the good in him is himself and all the bad his episodes.

Ricardo: But I have seen him and experienced the episodes first-hand, how could it not be one?

Marco: Because even if it were not episodes it would be his responsibility to understand he is not healthy enough to have a relationship with you

Ricardo: I know you are right, but things have still gone like this and we have been happy

Marco: Yes but what happens when he leaves every time? How do you feel? Think about you

Ricardo: Not great

Marco: Yet you still want to? You are coming back into a game with him

Ricardo: I just want to see him again, I know it is irrational but I guess that is love

Marco: Sometimes I wonder why I keep on trying to talk sense into you

Ricardo: I am sorry, you are right, it must be so frustrating for you

Marco: Don't apologize, I just wonder why. You know I care about you deeply right?

Ricardo: I know you do

Marco: And it just sucks seeing you in this because you deserve so much better

Ricardo: He is not bad at all, I do love him very deeply

Marco: You deserve a guy who treats you like a king every day

Ricardo: Not a lot of options around here

Marco: I know but this guy hurts you a lot. I need to go to bed. I will be here to pick up the pieces after

Ricardo: Thank you so much for everything Marco, you are really helping me

Marco: You are welcome sweetie. Goodnight

After finishing texting Marco, Ricardo felt so weird, he felt comforted. This day had been such a rollercoaster. On one hand he felt like Arash was not offering anything, but he did know him, he did not want to be arrogant but he felt like Marco did not understand him.

Marco, he did care about him, both and them would have tons of friendly and nice conversations often, sometimes even meaningful and intimate talks. What did this mean? Did he do it out of just wanting to be there for someone that he perceived as vulnerable? Or did he have some type of ulterior motive?

He was confused, about both men.

-I guess these are adult feelings- chuckled Ricardo

He knew that in order for things to move forward he had to start making some decisions, so he started with a rather simple one, the wake. He decided to go to the virtual ceremony, he justified it a lot of ways, some were selfless, some were very clearly selfish. After, he would decide on whether he actually wanted a friendship with Arash, and also, what was Marco's deal