Thomas and Niko in the City of Trees - Chapter 15
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I won't say it's the absolute worst morning of my life, only because it sounds a little dramatic, and I tend to get pretty tired of superlatives after a while. But it's certainly up there. I hardly sleep the rest of the night. I don't think Thomas does either. I've never spent a night with him where he didn't snore a least a little, and I'm telling you, for hours on end, it's fucking silent as can be over on his side of the tent. I do fade a little from sheer exhaustion just as the sky starts to light up at dawn. Or anyway, that must be what happens, because I never see him leave the tent. I only notice he's gone after jerking awake from some kind of stressful half-dream. I figure at this point, getting any more sleep is hopeless, and one look at the sleeping girls in the early morning light is enough to drive me out of that tent pretty quick.
He's the only one outside. Everyone else is still asleep. He's crouched over by the fire pit, poking the ashes with a stick. He glances at me over his shoulder, then turns back to the ashes. I haven't seen him look quite this sad in a long time. I go over to him. I squat down on the opposite side of the pit.
"Probably best if we don't talk much this morning," he says under his breath. He has the blankest look on his face now. It's freaking me out a little. "Maybe you should go do your own thing."
"All right," I say. "Good idea."
I leave him alone. I stumble halfway down the hill and collapse on the ground, near the depression where I tripped and fell yesterday evening. I manage to pass out for an hour or so, until the sun rises and starts to bake me on the hillside, and I hear shouts and laughter coming from up above.
I spend most of the car ride back remembering, replaying the event over and over in my head. It would probably be a lot better for me to just stare out my window, stick my nose to the glass and try to think about other things. But I'm trapped in the middle again, so I don't have a window, just a compromised view out the windshield, where all I see is a little dirt road that twists and turns for eternity. I swear to you, the road seems about a thousand times longer than it did yesterday.
What I remember most was our sad retreat, slowly back up toward the camp, past the cars, quietly into our beds on opposite sides of the tent, where we should have fucking stayed all along. It wasn't just a retreat in the literal sense. It was also a retreat from our desires, from anything and everything we might have wanted from each other in that not-so-hidden little spot down by the creek. I'm telling you, that's how much the whole thing scared us. We didn't say one word to each other the entire way back. He walked about ten feet ahead of me. Not once did he turn back to see if I was following him. I was terrified we might run into Driggs again at the top, by the tents, but we never did.
If you're wondering what could possibly be going through Thomas's mind right now, as his shoulder brushes uncomfortably against mine in the back seat of the car, I have no fucking clue. I promise you, nothing in this entire world could be further from my knowledge. To be honest, I don't care, either. What I care about is how this is all going to play out. I wish I could say I knew Driggs well enough to have some idea what he might do, but I don't. Jesus, he must have been avoiding us as much as we were avoiding him this morning, because I barely remember seeing him at all. But there's no doubt his truck's still chugging along behind us, and that he's the one behind the wheel.
Against my other shoulder: Lexie. I don't dare turn to look at her, even though I feel her eyes on me a number of times. From that alone, she might be able to figure out something's wrong. She's just so fucking smart, and good, and she deserves better. I'm trying to remind myself of the one good thing that will come from this: She's not going to be stuck with me anymore. She won't have me lying to her face every goddamn day of her life.
The rest of the ride back into town is pretty fucking excruciating. My brain feels like it's boiling in its own fluids, I'm thinking over all of this so hard. We all spill out onto the surface of the parking lot, near the other cars. It's only eleven in the morning, but it's already hotter than hell.
I will say this: I've never given Martin Driggs enough credit, for anything in his life. That one's on me. As it turns out, he handles the whole thing with more grace than I ever knew he was capable of. He gets out of his truck and waits for the right moment when everyone's pretty distracted, moving their belongings and all that. He pulls us both aside. He's talking under his breath. "I won't say anything," he says. "But you two better figure this out soon, and start getting honest about it." He tosses his head toward Lexie and Madison. "Do it for them."
Thomas is standing there with his arms crossed. You can tell he's completely fucking beside himself over the whole thing. "Don't worry, we're telling them today," he says.
Driggs looks pretty surprised to hear it, but he doesn't say anything. He goes back over to his truck.
The girls haven't come over here yet. It's just Thomas and me. Thomas leans in and says, "Go home with Lexie. I'll go with Madison. It's time." And then he fucking walks away from me without another word.
I've never known Thomas to break a promise in his life, so when he made one to me over the phone the other day, I had every reason to believe he would follow through with our plan. But I'm not ashamed to say I had a backup, in the event he turned out to be a lying sack of shit. I was fully prepared to go rogue and tell both girls myself. I know that this whole thing with Driggs is the nail in the coffin and all that. There's no question it's accelerated things. But the way Thomas is taking charge now, letting me know how it's going down...I guess I should never have doubted him.
It hits me now that we've arrived. This is what it feels like to come clean. The pieces are already in motion. For a few seconds, I get this feeling like I've pushed all the air out of my lungs and I'm sinking to the bottom of a swimming pool. I'm just standing there on the bottom. I can hear muffled voices at the surface, but I can't tell what anyone's saying. I take a step forward and feel the thick drag of water around me. It's the craziest fucking thing. Then I get my shit together. Voices become clear again. I go over to Lexie. I ask for a ride. She looks pretty happy to have me go with her, just as Madison is happy to go with Thomas. Jesus Christ, this already hurts so bad I can hardly stand it.
Don't fucking ask me about the car ride. It's the most sickening twenty minutes of my life. I have no other choice but to put a face on, because I can't have Lexie thinking something major is wrong until she's safe at home. I don't want her to drive after what I'm about to tell her. There's this moment when we're crossing the bridge on Americana and she points out all these hot air balloons rising up out of the park, and I have to act cheery and full of wonder, and I'm just feeling like the biggest piece of shit who ever lived. When we finally do pull up close to the house, I tell her I want to stay in the car. She asks why and I say I need to talk to her about something.
"I guess I should stay too, then," she says. She sees I'm not smiling. She rolls down her window, then looks at me. "What is it?"
"We can't be together anymore," I say. "It's my fault."
She's not doing or saying much, at first. Her face hardly registers any emotion at all. I'm pretty sure she doesn't know what the hell to think. She focuses on one of my eyes, then the other, then back again. She moves around in her seat like she's trying to get comfortable. Then she holds really still. She's just staring out the windshield at the front of the house she grew up in. "What did you do?" she says.
I say it in the most simple terms I can come up with: "I slept with Thomas."
She backs away from me a little. "What is this?" she says. She looks super confused. "What are you doing right now?"
"I'm telling the truth."
It's taking longer than I expected for her to realize I'm serious. We look at each other, and suddenly I'm trying not to cry. She sure as hell knows what that looks like. I think that's when she finally accepts that I'm not kidding, that this isn't some messed-up joke I'm playing on her.
"I don't understand," she says. She seems so goddamn calm, only I know she's not.
"I'm so sorry, Lexie." I feel my voice starting to break. "I'm so, so sorry."
"I didn't ask for an apology, Niko. I said I don't understand. That means I need you to explain to me what the fuck you're talking about."
"Thomas and me—we've been together...in that way." I don't give her any details. I don't think it's fair to her, unless she really wants them.
She's looking out her window now. "You and Thomas," she says.
"Yeah."
