We'd slowly eased into our relationship for a few good weeks. We slept the most nights in my apartment as I felt bad about leaving Jemma alone that often and I'd given him an extra key to my place as well.
He had nightmares a few nights we spent together, always the same - I'd wake him up, he'd distance himself, then desperately snuggle up to me sniffling and then go for a run. At least the morning after apologies stopped and apparently the nightmares were less frequent next to me. Though I was a little disappointed that he didn't share the nature of his nightmares with me. Yes, an hypocrite I am.
We had grown nicely accustomed to each others bodies and gotten to the point where sex was amazing and we were worse than horny teenagers. I was fairly surprised that Luke enjoyed bottoming as much, but damn... having him bottom was the sexiest thing on earth.
Although Jemmas stare did not help the climax a single bit as she always chose the best times to climb into bed with us and/or ask for petting - as amusing as it wouldn't have been every time.
Okay, true, I still hadn't given myself to him. Yes, the anal virgin, ex-straight, ex-captain of an ex army man gave himself to me and I, a lifelong gay man who didn't identify as a top - had not given myself to him. Nor said I loved him. I'm pathetic, I know. And a hypocrite yet again. I get the impossible fairytale of a relationship and then I won't man up to live it. Why? I was fucking scared. And instead of admitting I was scared, I pretended that there was no problem. And Luke didn't push me or maybe he was also pretending that there wasn't a problem?
It's just that... I'd have to have "the talk" with him. With John it was easy, he figured it out himself and mapped out all my triggers like a professional - which he essentially was. His wife specialises in mental traumas, so he had quite a good idea of how and what.
Anyway, I didn't have to tell him, not more than to just confirm with an occasional nod. With Luke I'd actually have to verbally express myself and tell him of the one night that I wish I didn't remember and spent a fair share of nights drinking to erase the memory, but it didn't work like that.
And how many nights I wanted to climb on top of Luke and impale myself, but I was scared of the phantom hands that I felt every now and then, scared that it'd show on my face and it's not like I could do it not face to face - the worst trigger of them all. Even avoiding all the triggers didn't always work.
Six years and still it haunted me like that.
And I was a man enough to... build myself a bed fort and avoid the issue. The worst of it was that I knew it'd be alright, I'd just have to say the things and we would be alright. I knew there weren't any consequences, just saying those things was hard.
Luke had found himself an apprenticeship position in a gardening company and was now gone all mornings. It felt strange laying in bed without him already. But yet again that evened out our sleeping schedules a bit and the fact that he had after work siestas to make up for staying up late with me.
One day when I had the evening off and could actually see him after he finished work, I found myself pacing around the apartment as I waited for him. Damn, I really was like a love sick puppy. No, I am better than that, I told myself and forced myself to sit on the couch and read. Not too successfully might I say.
Luckily for my sparse patience, he came to my place straight after work that day, saying "I need a drink" the moment he got in the door.
"Umm, okay... you good?" I asked in confusion as I went to my bar. Luke wasn't much of a drinker, the last time I actually saw him drink was at the hotel before we started seeing each other.
"Yeah, I think. No, I am." he said as he fidgeted around nervously.
"Okay..." I said, taking an iced glass to serve him a premixed negroni, "Did something happen today?" I asked handing him the drink.
"Yes." He admitted and took a good gulp of before saying "My supervisor kissed me."
"He-she what now?!" I asked more surprised than I had intended. A strangers lips on my man?!
"She. Yes, one week into the job my supervisor kisses me." he mumbled nursing his drink with eagerness, an anxious expression on his face.
"And?" I prompted him for more information impatiently, unable to decide on an emotion I should go with.
"I told her off." he said proudly and sighed taking another good sip.
"And?" I asked again as I definitely needed more than that.
"And she was a little persistent, but I said that I have a boyfriend." he admitted and took a large gulp of the drink, finishing it off, his face squinted from it's strength.
Did he just have his first coming out? All by himself? "Really?" I asked, trying to supress my wide smile. I really didn't think he'd be coming out already. True, it had been some time already, but... hey, I'm not complaining.
Damn, he's coming out.
"Yeah." he sighed softly, his face turning to a smile seeing my wide grin.
"How'd she react?" I asked, suddenly worried over his work climate, he just got the job.
"Wide eyed, okay... asked if you're as cute as I am." he snickered and kissed my forehead.
"Well am I?" I teased snuggling up to him with a wide smile and kissed him softly.
"No, you're much cuter." he murmured playfully and nipped my earlobe with his lips.
"Now you're just teasing me." I grinned wide and gave him a kiss on the neck.
"Maybe you should come see me shower, now that would be some teasing." he said and walked towards the bathroom playfully lowering his pants.
"Maybe I'll just tease you back..." I snickered and quickly followed him.
