Trac 001

((Just a quick little story that I needed to get out of my head. I am splitting up the AU chapters and expanding as well as fixing up Starcrossed 3. I wrote this during class this afternoon. Yes, I know it wasn't Iraq that flew the plane into the trade center. I am also not a raciest or against religion. My stepbrother is Muslim and an immigrant from the middle east. The main character's views do not reflect my own, nor does his ignorance. This series is designed to provoke thought. If you are easily offended, looking for a jerk story, or are in need of a happy ending please go to another story. This one is littered with my own personal thoughts on a subject and as such it might offend you because I can be offensive.))

My brother came back from war mortally wounded. He enlisted in the army after the terrorist attacks. I remember his beautiful blue eyes full of life telling me how he would help keep the country safe from those "Dirty Muslim bastards," his words not mine. He had never been out of the country and the thought of seeing something new was thrilling. He didn't come back to me alive. Sure, he was walking on his perfect two legs. More than some Iraq veterans can say. However my brother Christian was gone, and in his place was this shell. Not a hair was harmed on his beautiful blonde head, but he was dead inside.

Christian had been dishonorably discharged, in the time before don't ask don't tell was repealed. They had found out he was gay when they caught him sleeping with an Iraqi local. Our family hadn't known he was gay, we just thought he wasn't interested in dating. He had enlisted the moment he turned eighteen. I was thirteen at the time and I asked him to keep a journal. Not for me, but so he would have someone to talk to. I am glad he listened to me, even if there are parts I skip over now that he is gone...

Day 1

I've never kept a diary before, I think they are girly. My sister asked me to keep one. Not for her to read but just so I would always have someone to talk to. So I guess that means I have you. I'll just write like I am talking to a person. It is how she told me this is supposed to work. I apologize upfront for the fact I can't go into detail on a lot of things.

I'll admit I wasn't prepared enough in basic training. I didn't listen to why we were going because I already knew. I am low man on the totem pole, but I am a man and this is what real men do.

I just got off the plane and there is sand everywhere. I am rooming with this guy named Jimmy. He ain't too bad I guess, he talks about his religion but other than that he seems like a good guy. I don't think we'll be friends or anything. Then again, I don't really want to make friends.

There are these tiny little buildings where the vermin of the world live. I'm Atheist, but even I can tell you this land has been forsaken by god, the god that they pray to anyway. The Iraqis are crazy, and dirty. They live in these square houses which fall apart and everything seems to blow up every other day.

They are filth and could all be wiped off the face of the earth and I wouldn't care. It is strange to me to watch these pathetic humans kill each other, all over something as stupid as religion. What idiot would direct his people to blow up the World Trade Center. I hated Saddam Hussein and all the camel jockeys and so it infuriates me that we are giving these animals guns and expecting them to have respect for human life, like the military does.

They are all the same scarf wrapped barbarians. I am proud to be a member of Uncle Sam's military. We'll win the war and protect the best country in the world.

Day 5

We started building walls today. I'm not really sure why, these people aren't worth protecting. We are apparently trying to help them build a military. I laugh at that thought, they sent terrorist to attack us and we give them guns. I'm not that educated but even to me that doesn't seem like a good idea.

We expect that since they are human, (sort of) that they will be easy to train. They don't seem to want to listen and I can't help but wonder where these guns will go when we leave.

I couldn't really sleep last night. It was hot as hell literally hell and there were so many bombs going off. They put them on the cars, in their houses. We aren't supposed to hurt the civilians but there is nothing civil about them.

I feel like this camo uniform is imbedded in my skin. We aren't allowed to take it off, ever. If you go to dinner you go in uniform, which includes your gun. You want to play basketball? The camo and gun go too. I even have to wear it when I work out. You have to wear it to the shower, which is no where near the sleeping bunks. You have to strip before you get in and if there is someone already in there you just see it all.

I know they let us call home but I just don't know what to say, so I don't. I write instead and it seems to make the time off go faster. I haven't had a day off yet, you work about twelve hours a day six days a week. I might be exaggerating but it just feels like we are always busy.

Day 8

The walls don't seem to be doing any good. Some of the people are painting them. I'm impressed by the art; it looks like it should be in a museum not in the middle of a war. Jimmy, one of my friends told me we built the walls to separate the minorities and to stop the war. He laughed at me when I brought up the planes. I didn't know it but apparently it was a terrorist group from another country that sent the planes. A country I never heard of. I wish I was there, because now I don't even know what I'm risking my life for.

I guess it is to civilize them like in Vietnam. People always expect America to fix their problems. They want us to come in take over and make everything better. We have our own problems at home.

Jimmy is a really nice guy. He's a Christian, and he of course thought it was hysterical that I am an atheist named Christian. He has the most beautiful copper colored hair and these intense green eyes. We are both low man on the totem pole, but really he is smart enough to climb up quick.

Day 9

We ate dinner with some of the Iraqis today. The Christian minority invited us in. I thought for sure the food would be poisoned. It wasn't and I ate it. Jimmy wouldn't tell me what it was and in a foreign country that is just fine with me.

The preacher or pastor or priest, honestly I don't know the difference told us how he opened the church and how it was his life goal. He told us how his son was a doctor and he is currently in America. That was strange to me, but apparently the son is coming back. Someone in the church was killed for ransom money. I don't believe in religion and it didn't make any sense to me that these people won't get up and fight.

Everyone else has gun, but the Christian minority won't pick them up. Jimmy tried to explain to me it was about turning the other cheek. I think its bullshit. If someone was killing my family and friends I would want to fight back.

Day 11

Jimmy is actually a great roommate. He always tries to talk to me about what is going on and he doesn't preach to me for not being religious. I never understood why people thought they could change my mind about god, but I am glad Jimmy doesn't try. We shower together and I caught him looking at me. I guess it is supposed to freak me out but it didn't. I was oddly flattered.

I don't care if he is gay.

Day 13

I think I might be gay. I had a dream about Jimmy last night. Nothing overly interesting; just us in the shower. We were touching each other as the commanding officer gave us orders on how. I woke up with cum in my pants. I haven't done that since I was younger, and even then I only fantasized about large hands and a hot mouth. No boobs and sometimes I would feel scruffy facial hair.

I never thought about it before. The military form had a section on don't ask don't tell and I just skipped over it. I can't help but wonder what it said now. But if I asked now someone would think I was gay. I don't think I am gay, maybe it is just Jimmy. Jimmy and being lonely and so far from home.

But I am a virgin. I don't think I would feel sexual loneliness if I am a virgin. They didn't really cover this in sex ed. Now I have no one I can ask. Maybe Jimmy is like my gay exception? Deep down I know that is a pile of shit. I like him.

Day 25

Sorry, I haven't written in a while. I thought it was getting pointless since I never had anything new to say. Jimmy and I have become pretty close. I never thought about the fact that I didn't want a girl friend. I think I might be gay, only I can't tell anyone except Jimmy. He is the reason I think I might be gay so really it wouldn't do me much good to tell him.

We were sleeping in our bunk together, let me tell you those beds shouldn't even be considered beds. Cots is a stretch. There is hardly room for one and definitely not room for two. So I was surprised when Jimmy came to my cot instead of his. Jimmy crawled in beside me and I scooted over to give him room. I'm not really big on touching. He started to tell me stories about why he came here. He knew that I didn't like being touched. He told me God told him to save the lives of people our age and enlist. If enough people enlisted there would be no need for a draft.

I wondered how he could be so brave. I know we are only a little under a month in, but I know now being in Iraq is nothing like how I pictured it. He told me people always ask if he is scared. He's only 19. It surprised me. I thought he would be older than me. I'm 21 by the way. That is all they ever want to know. If we are doing any good. What is it like over there? Are you scared? Always the same questions.

I laughed and he ran his hand through my hair. I guess he really does look young once you really look at him. He's just a baby we are all really just babies. We are all scared. Sometimes the Iraqi families we are stationed near invite you in for dinner and you know the moment the sun falls those same people will be the ones shooting at you. They blow up churches, and I think that really gets to him. There was this one church and they bombed it three times because they couldn't aim at the cross.

He said what scared him most was that he had feelings for me. I didn't understand until I felt his lips on mine. They were warm, and yet chapped. Mine are chapped, it is always so hot and dry here. It hurt to kiss him, and yet I felt myself coming back to life. He revived me with that kiss. I felt his hands on me, and I remembered everything I was told about how homosexuality is a sin. He believes in God, apparently I don't since I am capitalizing it now. So am I costing him his wings?

I felt his hands slide down my body, smearing my sweaty chest with dirt. I touched him back we kept our lips together, sealing each others last breath to keep quiet. If anyone found out ... I don't know what would happen.

His hands wrapped around my tool and I jolted. These cots are too damn small. He is smaller than me, but still beautiful. We didn't have any spit, or even condoms. We had sweat; thank goodness it is hot as hell here. Sweat made our hands slide and our chests slick. I was panting in the desert air and we climaxed together. It was beautiful. I didn't realize how much I would enjoy sex.

Day 27

Jimmy and I were checking dead bodies of Iraqi Christians. They just shot them, lined them up and shot them using the guns we gave them. I felt cold as we checked for survivors.

There was a bomb, under one of the bodies. Jimmy got there first. It didn't kill him right away. There was so much blood and the sand just seemed to eat it up. He pressed his cross into my hand. It burned; it was so hot it burned.

You get about 15 minutes each week to call home. You can't go over or they might take your time away from you. I've seen soldiers cry after talking to their wives and kids. Telling them they had to go in the middle of I love you.

I never called home, but now Jimmy is gone. He was more than just a roommate to me; so much more. I called home, to talk to my sister. There was such a delay I felt like I was shouting across the ocean. She is so young and I don't want to scare her. She is the one who asked me to write this. I tried to keep the pain out of my voice, but we both knew it was there.

That is why I never call home. I never know what to say and I don't want to worry her or my parents. I'm not the boy I was when I came here. I think she knows that, I think they all do.

I never thought war would change me. I was stupid, war infects everything. It is the worst disease to plague humanity.

Day 30

They replaced Jimmy. Just like that I'm bunking with a guy named Darrel. He is this really big black guy. He isn't Jimmy, but he seems likable. I still can't believe Jimmy is gone. I pretend he went home instead, just makes it easier. I know how stupid that is. I watched him draw his final breath; my poor sweet Jimmy. I loved him maybe not like a lover but he was a good friend to me. Jimmy taught me so much he opened me up to love and tolerance. I feel like I am actually seeing things now.

I just can't believe he is gone. I have seen people die before. I have even caused a few deaths but Jimmy, Jimmy I actually knew. I can't think about it for to long if I do I can't focus on my job. That means more people could die and I have to make myself not care. You can't let things get to you out here, even death. They shoot each other we shoot them, they shoot us. Everyone dies. You just learn to not notice.

Day 32

Darrel followed me to the showers today, he said he heard a rumor I was a fag. I denied it of course. He laughed and stripped in front of me anyway. Apparently he doesn't care. He told me he was hoping I was gay. I looked at him like he was crazy, as he soaped those large ebony muscles. Black men aren't my thing, but he is good looking.

Darrel told me about how at one point black men couldn't serve in the army. He laughed and said the only reason they couldn't do that with gay people was because gay wasn't on your skin like black was.

I told him I was gay; he laughed and told me he knew. I guess I like Darrel, he seems like a good guy.

We got back to the bunks and he showed me pictures of his kids. He told me this is the second time he has been deployed. He watches his kids grow up in pictures. He cries after his phone time. His son doesn't understand that even though he is only half way through the story his dad has to go.

Day 37

Do you remember that priest guy I wrote about earlier? I saw him again today. His son came home. His name is Namir and he has these beautiful dark eyes and black hair. I wanted to run my fingers through it. I used to think there was nothing beautiful about his country but now I see I was wrong. Even the sand looks good when it is underneath him.

He talked to our troops today, and his English is beautiful. He purrs when he talks. His eyes are this beautiful dark color, they seem like they are never ending pools of strength. He talked to me more than anyone. I found that oddly flattering. He rested his hand on my thigh for a brief moment and I felt fire run through me.

Day 40

My unit has been assigned to protecting the Christian minority. Darrel seems to think this is a better use of our time. It means I get to see Namir more.

I told Namir about our new task, I don't know what possessed me. I thought he would be happy. Namir is really smart, he showed me a map of Iraq. I can't tell you exactly where I am, but know it is in the northern part of the country. He showed me where all of the religious groups are. I now see why the blast walls aren't helping.

Namir's minority was marked in tiny little pink splashes in the north. He asked me where was his people supposed to go if every other group hates them. I asked him why he doesn't pick up a gun and fight back. He smiled at me and told me it wouldn't do any good. From a military standpoint I know he is right. They are such a small minority that no one cares about. I know that wasn't his real reason though. He is turning the other cheek and letting them hit him there too.

Namir's dad owns the church he isn't a priest like I thought. He told me how his father dedicated his whole life to the church, a church that was now being bombed. Any Christian that tries to go to the church is targeted. I used to not believe in God, but because of Jimmy and Namir I do now. What I don't understand is how can the Iraqi people, so easily kill other Iraqis.

Day 41

I saw him; I get to see him a lot now. Darrel told me Namir watched me take my uniform off before getting into the shower. I don't believe him. We patrol the village and that means everyday I am close to him. In my time off I want to be with him. It isn't easy to think of a way; that is if he even likes me. Every time Namir smiles at me I feel like I am a snowflake in this damn desert.

I think I could fall in love with this man. Every time I talk to him I get nervous and trip over my words. I can't help it. He seems to think it is funny. Namir has the most beautiful laugh I have ever heard. It is deep and booming. It just shakes me down to my core and stirs something inside of me. I hear the testosterone dripping from him and he just makes me feel so small.

Day 45

I am so fucking selfish! I was going to tell Namir I was gay today and see how he took it. He looked so sad and tired I asked what was wrong and he told me his dad got a letter. I didn't understand. He told me it was from a terrorist organization. They wanted a million dollars, for his dad to burn the church, and to send Namir out of the country. If he didn't Namir and his father would be killed.

A million dollars seemed like a lot of money to me. Namir told me it was even more to a person who barely makes two hundred dollars a month. I asked him what he was going to do and he told me nothing. He and his father wouldn't burn the church since it was his father's life dream to open it and as long as people needed a church it would be open. He said they didn't have the money, and even if they did they wouldn't give it up knowing it would only be used to spread pain and suffering.

I asked Namir if he would leave the country. He shook his head and told me he wasn't afraid of the lord's plan. If the lord said it was time for him to return to heaven then there was nothing he could do to stop it. If the lord wanted him to stay in Iraq there was nothing the terrorists could do to make him leave.

He is so brave, I kissed him. It was stupid and dumb but I kissed him. His skin was softer than I thought it might be. He was telling me his life and the life of his family were in danger and I kiss him, a man who thinks I am going to hell because being gay is a sin. They should take me in Namir's place. He is so smart and beautiful and good.

Day 48

Namir asked me why I was hiding from him. I felt guilty but told him I liked him. He smiled and told me he liked me too. We held hands when no one was looking. I asked him if we were moving to fast and he told me he didn't want to regret anything. Each day was a gift and shouldn't be wasted. Why move slow if neither one of us had the promise of time.

I told you he was smart. I pleaded with him again to get a gun. Machine guns shouldn't be that hard to get over here. He told me he wasn't ready to kill someone. I understand now, I'm wasn't ready to kill anyone either; I carry the gun and see the people but I don't think I should have taken a life. I can't tell him. Killing in war just seems so wrong. The Iraqis are people. I murdered people. Americans call the veterans murderers. Maybe they are right.

Day 49

Namir and I found some time to be alone together. I can't tell you how or where just in case. My very existence in the military is illegal. I can only imagine how bad it would be if they caught me with Namir.