JESSE
I tried my hardest not to get my hopes up before I came here tonight, I tried to expect absolutely nothing. So when Dusty goes so far beyond my wildest imagination, when he tells me what he wants exceeds my wildest, craziest dreams, tells me he wants to serve me completely, I feel like I've been handed the moon on a fucking plate. The idea of having full control over him practically blows my mind. Being able to have that amazing experience of closeness again, of giving and receiving perfectly in sync, that incredible mutual pleasure, to experience all that again, and not just once, but over and over... I have to resist just saying yes on the spot. Stop, Jesse. Stop and proceed very slowly, very carefully. I have to think this through with my head, not my dick.
He says he would do anything to please me, but does he mean it? He said he would want to please me even physically, but will he really be able to put up with every dirty thing I've been dreaming up about doing with him in my secret fantasies when I was telling myself I wasn't thinking about him? Or will he freak out like last time at anything even slightly gay?
He says that he trusts me completely, but do I really trust him? We've been through a lot already and I want to believe he's really changed, but what if he gets bored? What if he changes his mind? What if it doesn't turn out the way he's hoping and I disappoint him and he just comes to hate me, or even despise me? Is he absolutely certain this is what he wants? And can I really trust him completely to keep his word?
And on top of all of this, do I want to be adored like this, put on a pedestal, be given this much pressure to be responsible for another person? Sure it's flattering as hell, but having to take care of all the kids and the trailer, taking care of Blue, my schoolwork, working at the diner, I already have so many responsibilities. How can I take on any more? What if I steer him wrong? If I make a mistake and something bad happens to him, it's all on me, it'll all be my fault.
I try to sort through my feelings, which is hard to do when he's watching me so closely and my mind is so overwhelmed and overloaded. The first thing I have to examine is how I feel about Dusty, given our past. I can honestly say that I don't hate him anymore. Somehow that started getting worn down bit by bit last time we were here. After that night I felt, I guess, sorry for him, for clearly wanting to try tasting my dick but not being able to face it, and in the weeks since then I decided I did forgive him and I hoped he'd really changed. I told him that it made me feel more confident about myself when I thought about how he submitted to me last time, and it did. The way he seems to be so sure of me, to see something in me that I don't. He said I was making him a better person. But he's been changing me too, and I think for the better.
And this afternoon... the way he went after Joe... the way he rushed to protect me... that really affected me. I was too shocked to think it through then and there, but all afternoon since then I've just been amazed. When, in my entire life, when has anyone ever cared so much about what happened to me? And when has anyone ever respected me as much as him?
And the rush, the absolute thrill, just thinking about what it would be like to have so much power over another person. And not just any person, but Dusty! Telling the little 'uns to do their homework or eat their dinner is one thing. Training Blue to heel or come when I whistle for her is one thing. But having Dusty, popular, strong, rich, fucking gorgeous football star Dusty, the same age as me, practically an adult, same as me, but better than me in so many ways, obeying trailer trash me... To have him really give me complete control over him... Just thinking about it... Damn, a power trip like that could so easily go to my head. This intoxicating rush of power that I've already tasted, seen how dangerously addictive it could be. It could change me in a really bad way. It could make me need him too much, it could make me overly confident, make me think and act like I'm better than I really am. It could threaten to bring out bullying tendencies lying dormant within me. It could change me in ways I can't even imagine right now. It could ruin not just my life, but the lives of my family too.
There's too much risk in this, my mind is telling me. I want to believe him. I want to trust him as much as he seems to trust me. But how can I say yes? How can I give in to this temptation?
...
...
But looking into those bright blue eyes looking up at me, full of trust, warmth and eagerness, clarity and faith... I do believe him. I do trust him.
...And if I do trust him, how can I say no?
There's one last voice of reason that pipes up, that is still preventing me from saying yes. It says, Hey, don't you remember that you said you wanted to have sex with someone you care about? Not like that first time with Will, almost a complete stranger. Having Dusty to use however I want would be absolutely insane, but will it be enough? that voice asks me. The sex might be amazing, but is this going to be a bad idea in the end since it's not going to go anywhere romantically?