Under Blue Idaho Sy 01

"Jack is getting married, huh?" I mumbled from over the bottle of cold Bud Light. Not that I was shaken by the news. Jack liked to present himself as a family man. But it took him quite some time. "At last, I guess..."

"Indeed, Barry, indeed." My interlocutor was looking at me with a suspiciously wide smile.

"Who's the lucky lady? Do I know her?"

I had lost touch with Jack shortly after sophomore year. Maybe if I hadn't dropped out, things would've turned out differently, I thought. No...

I eyed the cocky bastard I was facing. His hair was polished, beard meticulously trimmed, as if drawn with a ruler, a Gitman Bros. Shirt with rolled up sleeves was uncovering a silver hand watch shining proudly on his wrist. The guy had an aura of confidence I could only dream of. He was the type who could sell you your own pile of garbage and make you thank him for it. Real estate makes good money, but it doesn't make you a decent person. At least not in Jared's case.

Well, if Jared was the kind of friend Jack liked to keep close, there was never a place for someone like me in his inner circle.

"Hell, you do!" Jared, pleased with himself, reached for an onion ring before continuing. "Mary. Virgin Mary Nelson herself, his high school sweetheart. You remember her, right?"

"I'm pretty sure they didn't start dating until college, you know?" I tried to keep a neutral face, when a sickening feeling clenched my stomach.

Mary was a good pick. One of those Mormon girls pairing up with well-behaved boys. Oh was she the one your best friend tells you not to worry about... The second she laid her eyes on Jack, I was jealous. They were a perfect match.

"Damn the details, man. Damn the details." He brushed it off, missing the change in my behavior. "The thing is," he leaned over the table, as if he was about to reveal some secret, "we've got a bachelor party to make."

"We?" I raised an eyebrow, suddenly realizing what he'd come to me for.

"Come on, won't you help your old friend for once? You're a private guide here in Grand Teton, aren't you? Jack wants something small, something off-road. You know me." He was gesticulating dynamically. "I'm a simple man. I can arrange a limo, go clubbing, invite the girls, but a mountain getaway? Come on..."

Jared wouldn't contact me for no reason. It had to be something only I could help with. And of all the things it was a bachelor party for my teenage crush...

Why did I agree? I told myself I came for the paycheck, maybe the scenery. But the truth was, something in me still wanted to see him again. That reckless part. That aching part. The one I never managed to bury.

"Are you sure he won't get mad?" I asked once more, as we left the bar, a few beers in, after hashing out the details.

"Why would he, really? He asked specifically about you."

"Did he, though?" I wasn't so sure...

Jared straightened up and put a hand on my shoulder in a reassuring manner.

"I don't know why you guys cut off contact. But it doesn't matter anymore. The past is past. A fresh start, okay? I'm confident Jack feels the same."

It didn't take me long to start kicking myself for the decision. Jack, of all people, asking for me? No way. Not after what he did. There are choices that cut the line for good.

Still, I was curious about his reaction. What would he do, what would he say when he sees me again? What would I say?

Would I roar him up for disappearing then? For vanishing, ghosting me for weeks, just to come back holding Mary's hand, as if nothing ever happened between us? Maybe it really was nothing. Maybe it was just me overreacting. Exaggerating as usual...

So yeah, I should've really said "no" to Jared's request. Should've let that part of my life stay buried. For the sake of my own peace.

Yet here I was, prepping the site like we were still on good terms. Like my ex--best friend hadn't gutted me in silence.

I knew exactly what would make him happy: hiking, kayaking, drinks by the fire. The things we used to do. The things we used to love. Before adulthood dulled everything.

"Here we are, gentlemen!" Jared yelled, swinging open the minivan doors.

I was already waiting in the parking lot, leaned against my old Ford F-150. Everything was ready for my guests. The truck bed was rigged for the uphill ride - blankets, cushions, and a bucket of beer on ice. For Jared's less refined tastes, a few Playboy issues scattered around.

"Good lord." An athletic blonde straight from the Men's Health cover got out of the car, staring at my Ford. "And I thought the minivan was the low point."

Usual Kevin - posh, smug and loud. It must have been nice to be born into old money. I knew the guy briefly, from college. Never had I thought he would end up being Jack's close friend. But according to Jared, Kevin's money helped launch their real estate firm. I could only guess how often Jack had to keep his mouth shut around that prick.

"You have no idea how hard it is to find a car fitting three isofixes," said another, stepping out from the driver's seat. "I don't think we've met before. Patrick."

The normal one, I figured, and gave him a firm handshake.

"Pleased to meet you. Barry."

Jared kept rambling something about old times, but I tuned him out. My gaze drifted toward the Chrysler, where Jack was still sitting in the passenger seat, his expression unreadable. Then our eyes locked, and that old burn flared in my chest like someone struck a match under my ribs. As soon as he saw me, his face shifted - he was slipping on a mask.

"A surprise it is, Jared. A surprise indeed," he said at last, stepping out. "Good to see you, pal."

We shook hands awkwardly, formal - like strangers playing friends.

"Time to go, boys. Adventure awaits!" Jared gave me a slap on the back, leaped onto the truck bed, and grabbed a magazine. "Hell yeah - now that's what it's all about! Let's go!"

I drove the noisy group uphill to the cabin we picked with Jared. It was situated right above the lake, with majestic mountain peaks looming in the distance. When we neared the wooden lodge, I glanced at Jack in the rearview mirror. He seemed genuinely happy looking around with quiet wonder. I smirked with mild satisfaction. After all these years I still knew how to make him smile.

"So what's the plan?" Kevin asked after we entered the lodge.

"Settle in, and I'll go get the kayaks. The shore is a few hundred feet away. Would be a shame to waste a chance."

"Jeez... So no hookers tonight, aye?" Kevin asked with mock disappointment.

"I'm afraid we're out of reach. Too far uphill for delivery." I smiled at him.

"Jack would never go for that anyway. Mary is safe with my man, right?" Jared winked at our groom-to-be.

Jack sent him a weak smile, and I barely held back a scoff. Jack wasn't as crystal as everyone believed him to be. Even though he was about to commit for life, I was pretty sure he still didn't have it figured out. I couldn't blame him. He chose the easy path. He chose pretending.

The sound of footsteps and a hushed whisper reached my ears as I was puttering around the shed, preparing the kayaks.

"What is he doing here?" Jack didn't seem content, his voice low and tense.

"What do you mean?" Jared played dumb. "You said you couldn't find Barry's contact. Turns out he's a local guide now. I reached him quite easily. He was more than happy to help."

"You know we haven't talked since college. Why would you do that?"

"Aren't you exaggerating? What did he do back then?"

"It's not what he did." Jack hesitated. "It's what I did."

"Whatever it was, he must have long forgotten." I could almost see Jared giving a dismissive wave. "He wouldn't have agreed otherwise."

Silence. I held my breath, hands sweaty on the hull of the kayak, heart thudding like a warning bell. Jack wouldn't spill it. Not unless something forced him to.

"You know what?" He finally said. "You're right. He must be over it. It's been what? Six, seven years?"

"Yeah! You're oversensitive. Relax! That's what we're here for, no? Come on, I have some whiskey in the backpack. Let's loosen up."

"It's still midday. You sure?"

"Of course. It's a party after all, let's go."

Morons... Water and drinking? It never ends well.

The surface of the lake was calm that day, and the sky was perfectly clear. I couldn't help but think it was just a silence before the storm.

As I hauled the paddles from the shed, I caught a sliver of us - of what we were - hiding in Jack's silhouette. The school days in Salt Lake. The summers in Idaho. The drunken nights at college. He looked the same, and nothing the same. I wanted to look away. I wanted to stare forever.

"There you go." I handled him the paddle.

He took it without a word. But I was sure he noticed my gaze. I could almost hear him bark "don't look at me this way." If there was no one around us, he would surely say something along the lines.

Soon everyone hit the water. There's nothing like grown-up men going back to being kids again. Their laughter filled the air, as the paddles cut the mirror of the lake.

"I haven't done this since college!" Kevin shouted, trying to keep his balance.

"Better get yourself together," Patrick answered, "those two will make it to the other side faster than you can push off the shore."

"In high school I used to be a champion!" Jack yelled all confident. He seemed too eager to have fun - like he was trying to outrun something. "No better kayaker on the whole Provo river!"

That was true. We even used to train together for a short while. Instead of ending up as a white collar, he could have become a professional athlete. Easily. There was a time when no other classmate was faster, stronger, more agile than Jack. And he did it all without the slightest effort. I used to envy him a little.

"What are you saying?" yelled Jared, making a swift passing maneuver. "Can't hear you from here!"

"You'll regret it!" Jack shouted, as Jared continued to draw away.

The wind picked up slightly, sending a shimmer across the lake's surface. I kept my eyes on Jack. His strokes were still strong but careless. He was too focused on keeping up the pace, not on reading the water.

"Watch your back, you show-off!" he called, twisting too hard as he tried to overtake Jared.

In an instant, Jack's paddle caught at the wrong angle. The kayak wobbled once, then flipped with a heavy splash. I stood up, frozen.

"Jack!" I dropped my paddle and leaned forward, scanning the surface.

Nothing. No movement. No sound. Just the slap of water against my hull. My gut turned cold.

The water stilled too fast. Then, a hand broke through - flailing.

I dove in without thinking, the cold pushing the breath from my lungs. But I didn't stop. I had to reach him. Fast. I pulled my arms through water, searching for him frantically. Faster. I got him. His limbs thrashing under the surface, his eyes wide with blind panic. His foot was tangled in the strap of the overturned kayak.

"Jack," I gasped, gripping under his arms, "I've got you."

I freed his leg, kicked upward, and pulled us both toward the surface. We broke through, both gasping, him coughing water, blinking like someone waking from a bad dream.

We drifted back toward the shallows. I dragged him in, arms shaking now with the cold and adrenaline.

Our bodies collapsed onto the pebbled sand. I rolled him to his back, bending over his heaving chest. He was shivering, water dripping from his lashes.

"You okay?" I asked, breathless.

He wanted to say something, but a strong cough stopped him from talking. Instead he just nodded, fighting for breath. I could see the shame creeping in. Like he'd failed in front of me. Like we were twelve again, and I'd seen something I wasn't supposed to.

"My God, you're so reckless." I sat down by his side, shaking my head.

"It was an accident." He said finally, catching his breath.

"You smell like booze. Pure recklessness, man."

He didn't answer. I suddenly felt anger swelling within me, and an old wound opened wide. Bitter words flew down my tongue before I could stop them.

"I guess you still drink to hide from your own problems. Ever tried to face your fears sober?"

He flinched - just slightly, but I caught it. The truth always found a way to sting.

"None of your business." Jack snorted, turning his face away.

There it was - that wall of his. I should've known better than to push him, but it was too late.

"Yeah, right." I stood up, flicking the sand from my hands and gazing at the guys, rowing towards us with shocked faces. "Not anymore."

The sun was sinking behind the mountains, as we all sat by the fire. The air was filled with woodsmoke and loud laughter. Rather than getting frightened by the incident, my companions seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. All's well that ends well, supposedly...

"To the groom!" Kevin yelled, raising his beer. "That always lands on his feet." He took a good gulp before adding "and somehow after nearly drowning still looks better than the rest of us."

Jack smirked and ruffled his damp hair, but his fingers lingered at the back of his neck like he was checking if the cold was still there. He tried to look cool, as if nothing serious had happened, but I could see he felt uneasy. His back leaned against the lodge, knees brought to his chest, beer bottle - almost untouched - fidgeting in his hands.

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught Jared studying me. He must have noticed the anxious way my gaze lingered on Jack. His face was unreadable, but I had the feeling he was searching for something - trying to piece something together, trying to understand.

"And to Barry, whose sharp reflex saved the honeymoon!" Jared shouted when our eyes met.

"How did you even do it?" Asked Patrick, looking at me with pure admiration. "I barely noticed something was off, and you were already diving in. No hesitation. Weren't you scared?"

Fear? It hadn't even crossed my mind. Not when it was Jack's life on the line.

"I'd say I'm a decent swimmer. And these waters aren't unfamiliar to me." I shrugged as if it was no big thing.

Jared studied me a beat too long. Like he was watching not just what I said - but what I didn't.

"You sound as if such things happen everyday. I mean, I swim just fine. But trying to save a drowning man?" He raised his eyebrows. "We'd probably both end up sinking."

Why did it feel like he was messing with me? Did he sense something was still off between me and Jack? I tensed, trying to hide behind a mask of goofiness.

"Not the first time I'm bailing Jack out. Old habits die hard." I smirked, taking a sip of beer. "Besides, there are way worse things happening here in the mountains."

"What's worse than drowning?" Kevin asked, mildly amused.

"Bears." I whispered with my voice low, as if we were kids sharing scary stories. "I once saved a group of tourists, just like yourselves, from a family of grizzlies." I glanced at their faces, half-amused, half-frightened, and then I added "but not here. This spot is bear-free. Wolves on the other hand..." I gave them a wide smile.

"Oh shut up you mountain freak!" Kevin threw an empty beer can at me, and I caught it, laughing. "You're making me regret that we didn't go to Vegas instead."

"Just kidding, guys. Relax." I finished my drink, glancing at Jared. He didn't seem satisfied with my answer. "Alrighty, boys, it was a long day. Time to hit the sack."

"What? Already?" Jared peeked at his wrist clock.

"I plan to go fishing at dawn." I replied, standing up. "We'll need some protein tomorrow. There's a trail to conquer."

"Hey, can I join?" Asked Patrick suddenly. "I'd have taken my equipment if I had known."

"Sure, why not." I nodded, a little surprised we had a fan of fishing among white collars.

"Jack, you should come with us too." Patrick was overjoyed. "I asked you so many times, and you never had time. It's going to be fun."

"Yeah Jack, you should join." Kevin added with a grin. "Seems safer than kayaking."

"Not sure about that. Getting in trouble is a talent of mine," Jack replied hesitantly.

I caught him gazing at me. What was he searching for in my eyes? Permission? Or a reason not to go?

"Won't let you drown, I promise," I said with a wink. "See you at six, guys."

I didn't want to pressure him. The more I would push, the more he would avoid me. He had always been a master of escape. That whole marriage was just another example of Jack's denial. Mary was a safe bet. Easy. Tempting. A part of me understood his motivations quite well, while the other despised his way of living. I'd rather die lonely than spend the rest of my life in a cozy little nest woven from lies.

The fire crackled in the distance, sounds of laughter echoing in the darkness. Night had fully descended, and the mountain air was turning cold--biting gently at my arms.

I spent the rest of the evening lying on the pickup bed, answering emails, plugged into a power bank. The screen's glow lit my face as moths buzzed near the light, disappearing into the gloom beyond. I was almost done, when a familiar silhouette emerged from behind the trees. It was Jack - indulging in one of his usual escapes - this time from the laughter-filled company of his friends. He came to me with hesitation, the same bottle of beer twisting between his fingers, his eyes filled with silent embarrassment.

"Hi." He said, as if we hadn't just seen each other.

"Hi. " I replied, sliding the reading glasses down my nose to better see his face.

"I just wanted to say thank you. For earlier."

He was standing there all shy and undecided. Like a teenager trying to confess his feelings to a crush. I nodded to show his words are appreciated, and to give him space to continue.

"And also... sorry. You were right. I shouldn't have drunk. That was stupid."

"Yeah."

I didn't know what else to add so as not to startle him. I could see how hard it was for Jack to even reach out to me. Some irrational anger was still there, crawling under my skin. But it wasn't the right time for a confrontation. The guy barely escaped death, lungs still probably burning.

"Yeah." He replied with hesitation. "These glasses... they look good on you."

"They make me look smarter than I am." I laughed.

"You are smart, Barry." Jack shook his head. "You've always seen things for what they are. And unlike me... you were never afraid of the truth."

I didn't answer, studying his face. He looked as if he was fighting with himself.

"You're not going inside?" He pointed at the still empty cot.

"Nah, I'm good." I patted the rusty body of my Ford. "I'd rather stay here. Not a fan of all the noise."

"Me neither. Hence the evacuation."

A breeze stirred the pine branches above us, carrying the scent of smoke, resin, and lakewater. The silence between us felt too loaded to last.

Was he waiting for an invitation? Hoping I'd ask him to stay? There was some strange longing in his eyes that I didn't have strength to answer to.

"Well... good night, Barry."

He turned away before I could say anything. The word "wait" stuck in my throat, my hand raised and stopped midair. But it was too late.

His shadow merged with the dark between the trees, leaving only the sound of his retreating steps. He disappeared into the dark like he always did, and I let him. Again.