I don't even know where to begin... I am writing this down in an effort to sort out my situation in my mind. My name is Doug, and I am a married man in my 40s - approaching my 27th wedding anniversary. My wife is a beautiful, loving woman, and a wonderful mother to our 4 children. We both make a good living with our professional degrees, hold somewhat prominent positions in our community, have a lovely home and a vacation home. We both stay fit (I am 5"10" 180 lbs, lift weights 3x per week, and ride about 50 miles per week on my road bicycle). We rarely argue, and our children are well-adjusted. Life in our mid-sized Kentucky town was moving along seamlessly - until HE came along.
Ok - who am I kidding? My life had been veering toward a cliff out of control. You see, I have long been secretly bisexual with a strong attraction to twinks - lithe smooth males in their early 20s. I had messed around with a couple of guys when I was in my teens. In these interactions, I had always been more submissive. I gave oral more than I received, but it never went further than that. After my early twenties, I met my wife, and had not been with another person since, male or female. However, recently I was becoming restless; my desire to explore growing stronger each day after more than 25 years of monogamy.
Last fall, my youngest child was preparing a school project addressing LGBTQ youth issues (we have intentionally raised socially progressive children). She wanted to interview a member of the LGBTQ community to gain further insight on this issue. I immediately knew who to ask. Several years earlier, I had been the varsity soccer coach for a local high school and had a promising young player, Perry, quit the team after his freshman year. I later learned that he had withdrawn from all extracurricular activities due to bullying by schoolmates over his homosexuality. Had I known what he was going through at the time, I would have taken steps to intervene and provide support. I have always considered this episode my greatest failing as a coach.
When I called Perry, now a 20 year old college student, he readily agreed to an interview with my daughter - said he was honored to be asked. I planned to use this meeting to apologize to him for not knowing about his situation, not asking, not doing more when I was his coach. My daughter was excited, Perry was eager to help, and I was excited for the opportunity to reconnect with him and to make my apologies.
The evening of the interview (after hours at my office), I mumbled "Holy Fuck" to myself when Perry arrived. He was so damn hot - dressed in tan skinny jeans, a multicolored woven pull-over hoodie, his long curly hair back in a bun. Perry is about 5' 6", maybe 130 lbs, and very fit. And he has the most striking hazel eyes - to this day my favorite of his features. We exchanged greetings, then he and my daughter went into the conference room for the interview. As the conference room door closed, I noticed his intoxicating scent - vanilla and lust (if that is a scent).
I patiently waited for them to complete the interview - "patiently waited" means that I sat at my desk drinking gin and cranberry juice. Multiple (that wouldn't be the only thing that was multiple that evening). The gin and juice, along with Perry's scent, were both intoxicating. I was so nervous to be around him that I continued to drink. As the interview concluded, my wife arrived to take my daughter home, and Perry agreed to stay to talk for a while - "I have the whole evening free" he said.
We moved our conversation to the back of the office and caught up with each other's lives. He was in college and was actively pursuing a music career (and my god he can sing). I offered him a drink (he declined), but I continued to drink, the alcohol continuing to erode my defensive walls. As I sat with him, I was transfixed by his smile, his smell, his eyes, everything about him. I'm certain that I was staring too intensely. There is no way he didn't notice - he was just so beautiful. What the fuck is going on with me? This guy is young enough to be my son. In fact he's younger than my son.
During our talk, I was able to bring up the issue of him quitting soccer and how I regretted not being more attuned to what he was going through. He denied that I had any responsibility, and claimed that he was actually happy with the way things worked out because it gave him more time to focus on his music. The conversation was pleasant.
And despite my uncomfortable staring, Perry was in the mood to talk - shifting the conversation to his current family situation. He told me I was a strong male role model in his life when he played for me. He had a cold, absent father who had never told him he loved him. Perry was clearly gay, but his father had never acknowledged that fact. Perry also disclosed to me trauma from his childhood - he had been sexually abused by a family friend when he was younger. He was raw with emotion during our conversation. I then blurted out that I too had been sexually abused by a family member during my youth.
Why the fuck did I say that; I had never disclosed that to anyone. I just felt that we had a kinship that I hadn't felt before with anyone else; that he was the person who was safe for me to tell. Due to that connection (and a lot of alcohol), I also felt safe to disclose to him that I was bi-sexual, but never acted on it.
"That must be hard." he said.
My laughing response: "Hard all the time, but nothing that a gay porn and masturbation can't take care of."
We playfully discussed the type of porn we each liked. He showed me a few of his favorite porn clips on his phone. We had similar tastes. He asked me to show him some of my favorites. I loaded up a clip and went over to the desk where he was sitting and got down on one knee to show him.
I said jokingly (?) from my kneeling position, "I'm not trying to suck your dick - I would - but I'm not trying to."
He looked at me and said "Do you want to?"
I gazed into his beautiful hazel eyes - fuck, I was frozen. Frozen by fear, excitement, desire, lust, guilt, craving. Mostly craving. I had never wanted anything more than to dive down on his dick right then and there. But I couldn't respond. My world was frozen. I was sure I would be going home for another date with my right hand.
