Wednesday
Jacob was already gone by the time Alex woke up the next morning.
For a moment, Alex had forgotten what had happened between the two of them the day before. What he'd seen with Brad and Chris had temporarily taken up the majority of his thinking as he tried to figure out his next move.
But when he walked into the kitchen and saw Jacob sitting alone glumly eating a bowl of cheerios, he couldn't help but feel sorry for the man. He wished that he could ease Jacob's pain. In the meantime, however, he wouldn't push it. He'd be there whenever Jacob was ready to talk.
Jacob had had a terrible night's sleep the night before, tossing and turning all night from the guilt over his feelings for Alex. It also didn't help that when he did sleep, he'd dreamt of Alex.
In his dream, the two of them were sitting together on a bench in the park near his home. It was the same park where he would frequently take his son on walks.
Alex was holding Jacob's son Ethan, bouncing him on one knee. Jacob was holding Alex's hand, watching as Alex made funny faces to make his son laugh. He felt completely at peace.
Jacob had never held a man's hand before. As he rubbed Alex's fingers with his thumb in the dream, it almost felt real.
He'd woken up from the dream crying. He'd felt so happy, happier than he had ever felt in his life. What did that mean, that he had never experienced that kind of happiness outside of a dream?
Especially when he knew that that feeling was false. It was impossible. That could never be his life.
It would be best to just forget it, to forget Alex and to try to salvage what was left of this retreat. There was still hope for his recovery--there had to be.
As they gathered in the parlor for the day, Jacob noticed a certain buzz of excitement in the room. He walked over to Chris and Wesley, who were chatting animatedly.
"What's going on?" he asked Chris.
"Today's the walkabout! I've already lathered myself in suntan lotion. No way I'm having a repeat of last year's fiasco," Chris said.
Jacob had forgotten all about the walkabout. The exercises they'd done up until then had been most of the same stuff he'd done in his regular meetings at Brothers Who Surrender. Perhaps the walkabout would be the thing he'd need to help trigger a breakthrough.
"Good morning, gentleman," said Ezekiel as he took his place at the head of the room. "Today is the most important day of the retreat: the walkabout. No doubt those of you who are first timers have heard a bit about what to expect. A walkabout requires you to leave behind childish things and take up your manhood. It asks you to survive with nothing but your wits about you, to adapt to your environment and depend on your own skills for survival. But most of all, it requires you to work with your fellow man to achieve a common goal."
He looked around the room at the men, his eyes landing on Jacob. Jacob felt that same unsettling feeling he did whenever Ezekiel looked at him. It was almost like Ezekiel knew he'd kissed Alex the day before. But he couldn't have, right? Jacob closed his eyes, trying to keep his head from spinning.
"Friendship. Camaraderie. These are the cornerstones of male relationships," Ezekiel continued. "Same sex attraction is but a blurring of the lines. Well, gentleman: it's time to set the record straight. To forge a bond of brotherhood with another man and to prove to yourself that you are not defined by weakness."
"All right, guys," said Brad as he passed a cardboard box around the room. "Everything goes in the box: keys, wallet, phone. Each pair gets one survival kit to help you make it through the night. Matches, a canteen, a knife, and a tent. Nothing else. It's up to you to find food and water. Forage, scavenge, hunt, whatever you have to do. We'll be expecting you back here by tomorrow at 9 am."
Jacob took a deep breath. He was nervous, having never been so much as camping before. His parents had tried to enroll him in the Boy Scouts, but he'd been so resistant that they'd let him quit within the first week. He just hoped that whoever he was partnered with would be able to pick up some of the slack.
"Now, your bunkmate is gonna be your walkabout partner, so I hope you've been spending these last few days getting to know each other. You're going to need to be able to work together to get through the night."
Jacob's face went pale. Fuck! He had been trying to avoid Alex as much as possible since he had kissed him the day before. Now he would have to spend the next 24 hours with him.
What was Alex going to say? Would he be uncomfortable sharing a tent with Jacob after what he had done? Maybe he should go to Ezekiel and ask to be paired with someone else.
But it was already too late. Everyone was picking up their survival kit from Brad and heading out the door.
"Come on, Jacob!" said Alex. holding one of the survival kits in his hand. "Let's get going."
"Now, we should probably stick pretty close to the road," said Alex as Jacob followed him outside. "I've read some articles about people going missing in Joshua Tree and I'm not looking forward to joining them."
Jacob followed him silently down the road. He watched as the other men spread out in opposite directions. Chris and Wesley were practically skipping, gabbing excitedly to each other as they headed out into the desert.
Pretty soon it was just him and Alex, walking along in the desert heat. Jacob wished he had thought to put on suntan lotion like Chris.
They walked along for a while in silence before Alex broke the ice.
"So, what do you do for work, Jacob?" Alex asked.
"It's boring. I'm a tax lawyer, so I deal with tax law, writing contracts and stuff. What about you?"
"I'm a writer," he said.
"What kind of writing?" asked Jacob.
Alex paused for a moment. "Oh, just for this one website. Boring stuff, like you said."
They chatted as they walked along, passing the time by getting to know each other better. Jacob told Alex all about his family, his church, how he'd first been introduced to Brothers Who Surrender and invited to go on this retreat. He found himself easily opening up to Alex. Alex never seemed to judge anything Jacob said. If anything, he seemed acutely interested in Jacob's life.
Alex himself talked to Jacob about his own journey towards Voyage Into Manhood. He'd gotten sober in Alcoholics Anonymous six years before, and through working the steps with his sponsor he'd come to identify his same sex attraction as something else that he was powerless over.
"That's so true!" Jacob said excitedly. "I've always felt that way. It's so cool that you found your way here through recovery. You must have plenty of tools for dealing with cravings that would be helpful with SSA."
Alex looked at him strangely. "Not really," he said.
He didn't say much after that. Jacob grew silent, worried that he'd offended Alex somehow.
Finally, Jacob could feel himself growing thirsty.
"Can I see the canteen?" Jacob asked.
