Waves of Confusion

Author's Note: This is not a one-dimensional story, characters and plots take a while to develop. If you are looking for something for self-gratification, look elsewhere. Also, if you are not of age, please find more appropriate material to view. If scenes of homosexuality gross you out, what are you doing in the GAY MALE section anyway?

Julian Claymore made me so nervous. There he sat, not five feet away from me, with his long wavy hair pulled back in its everyday ponytail and his olive skin peeking out of a tight muscle tee. I tried not to look below his waist, but my eyes seemed to have magnets in them or some such strange affliction. His tan, taught surfer's body had always been a constant source of embarrassment for me in high school, sharing the same P.E. period, I did everything I could to stay away from him, but he always seemed to be there every time I was getting undressed or coming out of the showers. Sometimes, I wondered if the fates had meant for me to be totally humiliated in his presence, because inevitably I would always get wood when he was around. He was so cool... and gorgeous, but I couldn't get caught looking at him; not then and not now.

New Bransford High School was behind me now though. I was young and single and college was going to help me get through everything I had ever worried about being a teenager with a severe identity crisis. CU was the answer to my prayers. New school, new friends, new girls to look at...trying to find something interesting, no worries anymore. However, on the second day of my new life there sat Julian Claymore, his light brown, wavy hair semi-bleached from the summer sun, his skin glistening from his summer tan, his straight white teeth shinning out of his effervescent smile. What was I going to do? My Psych 101 professor had just assigned us study groups for the first quarter and whose name should be called in my group, but Julian fucking Claymore. God, I had so been looking forward to this class too. I wanted to major in psychology and this was the first step, but how could I keep my head together when this god was now sitting across from me.

The giggly girls in the group had gone around getting everyone's names, numbers and emails so that they could get in touch whenever they wanted to post a study time. When it came up to me, Julian spoke for me... "His name is Jody Larson, his number is 555-5587 and his email is Jodders06@..."

"Oh," said one of the preppy-looking girls, hair bleached blonde and fake blue contacts shimmering in her eyes. "Do you guys know each other?"

I shook my head in the negative as Julian said "Sure, we went to New B together, huh Jody?"

"What, oh yeah, well...we don't really KNOW each other." Julian was eyeing me suspiciously. Why did I deny knowing him?

Technically, we didn't know each other, really. He was one of the most popular kids at New Bransford and I...well, I was just... Jody. I wrestled, I hung around with a small group of friends, mostly all bookworms and science nerds, I had a girlfriend my senior year, Julie. She went off to Stanford to study genetics and I...well, I went here, to the state university. Julian however had dated every cheerleader, beauty queen and drill team member worth their salt, none of them more than twice, I would say in my estimation...and I kept pretty good tabs on who he was with. I never talked to my friends about Julian either, I knew deep down that my obsession with him was unnatural, not normal, yes even gay, but hell if I was going to admit that to anyone. Except every once in a while when I was jacking off, Julie's face turned into Julian's and believe me he was a lot prettier.

"Uh...well we did go to the same high school," I stammered out in a squeak that put me right up there with the cast of "Revenge of the Nerds," glasses and all.

The "take-charge" girl had jotted all my information down from Julian and quickly moved on to the next person. Julian reached across the circle of people we were in, grasped my leg above my knee, and squeezed. "Relax Jodders, this is gonna be fun."

"

Fun

," I thought sickeningly. "

Fun! I get to embarrass myself even more than I did in high school by sharing my psychological profile with you. My luck one of the questions will be about sexuality.

" I smiled a strained and eerie smile at him and looked away quickly before I did any more damage, but my stomach was already doing back flips against the bacon and eggs my mother had made me this morning. "Let me know when the first study session is, will ya," I queried the unofficial leader of our pack and she nodded back at me.

"I was hoping to get started today though," she said. "There's still ten minutes left of lecture time." But I wasn't hanging around there for another minute longer. I had to get some fresh air or I was seriously going to hurl.

"I gotta go, sorry." And I quickly got to the door, only knocking one kid out of his chair on the way. I could hear giggling in my wake.

As I got to the quad, I finally slowed down some. I grabbed a bottle of water at the MU and sat in the sunshine of the warm September morning. I tried to gather my thoughts. Here I was trying to get my life together; I was happy and satisfied with everything that had happened to me since graduating from high school. It was perfectly fine with me to be a nobody in this big state school and what happens? The only guy to ever make me question my sexuality strolls right back into my life. I had to come up with a plan...maybe...

oh, I know, I'll just find another teacher that has a Psych 101 class this quarter and I'll do a drop/add and everything will be fine. No more Julian, no more problems

. I knew deep down I was kidding myself. More than likely, I'd see him around campus on occasion, but that I could deal with. A constant menu of M/W/F filled with Julian Claymore would definitely come under the category of "too much to handle."

†

"Poor Jody," I said to no one in particular. I'd reached my vehicle and was scavenging around for a CD to put in before I headed to the beach. James Blunt, oh yeah, that would definitely be the mood-setter I was looking for. That man was just too good looking for his own good. Too bad he was straight...oh well, doesn't mean I can't look. The drive out on the highway at this time of morning was light, the trucks had pretty much been through and the commuters were long gone. I almost had the road to myself. That's the way it would be at the beach, too and the way I liked it. Surfing was my therapy and the more open water I had the better it was for my soul. I felt like I was flying out there on the waves, reminded me of that scene in

Titanic

with Leo out there on the bow with his arms stretched wide. Here, I was king of the world. Well, my world anyway.

There were a few people scattered around when I hit Verona, an old lady combing the beach for shells, a couple of homeless guys washing off in the surf. All the kids were back in school after Labor Day and I couldn't have been happier. I pulled my little Nissan truck into my favorite spot, the only one with a bit of shade from a growing palm and piled out, stripped down to my Speedo and grabbed my wetsuit from under the canvas tarp in the bed of my aging truck. As I was pulling on my suit and grabbing my board, I thought about Jody again. He was so uptight. I knew he was way into me, but there was no way he was admitting it to himself. Plus, he didn't know me away from school so there was no way he could know I was gay too. Sure, I did the whole "girl" thing in school, but hey, you do what you have to, don't you? If he had seen me here, with my buddies, he would have known for sure. I didn't hide who I was when I was at the beach, I couldn't. This was my spiritual place, my zone; nothing anyone said or did could affect me here.

Strolling down the warm sand always got to me, made me feel complete again. I carried my board and my flipflops and stood watching the waves. Nothing brilliant today, but enough to get a good workout. I paddled out to the first rim, catching one or two small foamies on my way to the bigger waves, not worried about impressing anyone, just getting into my "zone" and wanting to ride a couple of half-way knarly ones before the tide was out completely. I managed to get in about an hour and half before things started to settle down. With the warm weather and calm skies, conditions were not ideal and I knew the waves wouldn't last, so I paddled back to shore and just sat for a while with my feet in the surf, watching the ocean and all its beauty.

Back at my car, I grabbed a towel after peeling down my suit to my waist and dried my hair and my chest. I stroked my pecs a couple of times and it started to feel sensual, so I decide to strip off and go lay out for a while. No one would be expecting me, the old man was deep into some contract he was negotiating and he barely knew whether I was there or not, unless I got into some beef and he had to leave his precious work and bail me out somewhere. Once the mat and the lotion were out and I had secured my board and my wetsuit back under the tarp in the bed of my truck, I headed back down the beach a little ways. Rolling the sweet smelling Hawaiian Tropic on my skin felt like basting some times and I thought momentarily about what the sun was doing to me. Oh well, I was young and healthy, we all die of something someday anyway and if mine was going to be skin cancer, then that was just what my karma was meant to be.

Lying in the midday sun was not advisable for people with fair skin, but my complexion was olive and I already had a deep base from three months of constant beach activity. I bundled the semi-wet towel under my head and lay back to enjoy the peace and quiet this stretch of beach afforded me today. Images of Jody swirled through my thoughts. I don't know why I was so caught up with him all of a sudden, except I knew what it was like to be where he was. At almost nineteen, I had been out to myself for ages. I think I was only twelve when I knew in my gut that it was a guy's cock and balls I was interested in, not a girl's boobs and pussy. I had heisted a copy of Hustler or something from my old man's room and as I flipped through the pages, my rampantly growing pre-teen hormones raged as I saw page after page of muscular guys, with ripped abs, pecs and huge, hard cocks, wet and shiny from precum, saliva and pussy juice. Yeah, they were fucking women, but I didn't care, it was their masculinity I hungered for.

Jody had been in hiding not only from the outside world in high school but also from himself. I liked to tease him a little bit. I knew it was a rotten thing to do, especially when I so yearned to be friends with him and to develop that friendship into something more significant, but mostly I couldn't help myself. I'm a bit of an exhibitionist and I knew that Jody was always sneaking looks at me in the locker room. So, I made it a point to always be there when he expected me to, to be stripped and semi-hard in front of him. Of course that meant that I was also semi-hard in front of a whole class period full of adolescent boys who had nothing better to do than rag on someone for sporting wood, but hey even a good shower could give me a hard-on, so there was nothing they could say. And I caught more than a few of them taking a good long look themselves. I was pretty popular in school, so no one really ever gave me any grief.

Now Jody was in my Psych 101 class...god, how advantageous was that. After all, I was free and Jody was just my type. Sweet smile, pretty, chocolate brown eyes hidden behind his geeky glasses, but pretty nonetheless and he looked like he was only about fifteen or sixteen. Okay, so yeah, a twink...but he was just what I wanted and when I wanted something, I usually got it. I wasn't conceited, more determined and I knew that Jody was going to be a challenge. Yeah, this was going to be a fun year.

Since I was alone, I had no one to douse my back with lotion, so regretfully I returned to the parking lot and wiped myself down. I threw on a pair of board shorts, hopped in my banger of a truck, and hightailed it for the hills. My folks had been hippies in the sixties, well hippie kids at any rate and after their journey of self-discovery through whatever psychotropic substances they had enjoyed in their twenties, they settled down and started working in the "real world," they called it. My old man soon found himself in a position of importance and liked what it did for his bank account; he never turned back to his "spiritual" side and spent my entire childhood locked in his study or away on some business trip or another. Mom never quite shook the sixties mentality and pretty much let me do anything I wanted. When she got cervical cancer two years ago, I endured the hospital trips, the ugliness of chemo and radiation and sat with her while she deteriorated into nothingness.

I guess I fell abandoned and lonely, although I tried not to stand still long enough for it to sink in very far. As I skidded to a stop in front of the five-car garage that my dad kept all his toys in, I tried my best to lay some tread on the pavement. It pissed my old man off something fierce and anything I could do to set him off, I did. I left my truck parked kiddy-corner to the garage and ambled into the house. Dad had hired a housekeeper when mom died and although she was nice enough, she wasn't my mom and I felt like she didn't belong in my house. They had both taken to leaving me notes pinned to a bulletin board on my bedroom door instead of actually trying to speak to me. There was a message on that pink "while you were out" paper saying that some girl named Amber Sholander had called and after a minute I remember that the super-organized girl from Psych class this morning was named Amber. I pulled it off the board, along with a note from the old man saying he had a dinner meeting tonight and wouldn't be home...again. After shutting and locking the door, I went into my room and dropped down in front of my computer.

I wrote Jody a quick email to freak him out a little and as kind of an "ice-breaker," then surfed around looking at pictures of hot college guys getting off in their dorm rooms on this one pay site I subscribed to. This made me hot and horny and I quickly untied my boardies and let them slip to the floor. I watched as this blonde with a swimmers body and sun-bleached hair stroked his thin, cut member. As it started to leak, my tongue darted out and licked my lips automatically. I really needed to get laid. I had been satisfying myself since I broke up with Keith earlier in the summer. We had been doomed from the start, both of us beings tops, but he was sweet and we had known each other for a couple of years on the beach, so I gave it a try. I tried to imagine him going down on me, swirling his tongue around the plump head of my super-hard dick, but every time I closed my eyes, it was Jody's face I saw. However, in my fantasy, one I'd had many times in school, he wasn't wearing his glasses and his hair was all mussed up, not combed perfectly in a sideways part the way he always wore it. I moaned as my fist rubbed my frenulum and pulled it tight. I wasn't cut like most guys, my mom had been opposed to circumcision like anything else that wasn't completely natural, so when I jacked my cock, my biggest thrill came from moving my loose foreskin back and forth over the head and stretching it tight until it almost pinched a little bit. Oh man...so good.

"Ah yeah Jody, suck my cock baby...you like it?...I knew you would, wiggle your tongue up under my skin, angel....that's it...oh yeah...tug it a little bit...oh my god Jody, yeah, I'm cumming all over your beautiful face, baby."

I shot all over my stomach and chest.

†

I managed to catch an uptown bus sometime before lunch. I had intended to stay on campus later than this, but the whole scene with Julian in Psych was more than I could handle. I had gone in to see my advisor about changing classes, but it was so flooded with freshmen like me who wanted to add or drop classes, I just signed up for an appointment instead. I guess it could wait one more day. Consequently, when I got home, nobody was there. Not that this bothered me, on the contrary, I needed some alone time, but it was weird to come home in the middle of the day and my mom not greet me at the door.

I climbed the stairs to my room and after disentangling myself from my backpack, dropped onto my bed. I ran my fingers through my hair thinking about Julian again, subconsciously took my glasses off and set them on the bedside table. Before I knew what had happened it was hours later, the sun was sinking into the horizon and I was groggy and disoriented. I could hear my mom downstairs starting dinner, pots and pans rattling, the water turning on and off and the smell of garlic wafting up through the ventilation system. I reached down to scratch myself, continuing the age-old masculine rite and came back with a wet, sticky hand. Oh my god, how totally mortifying, eighteen years old and I had had a wet dream. I really should have known....I mean I woke up with the picture of Julian Claymore's cock in my mouth and it had been ages since I had jacked off, but how revolting, cum in my boxers and now my pants were wet too. The total embarrassment I felt at knowing that my mom would have to see my crusted over boxers and stained pants was almost more than I could bear. I was going to have to learn to do my own laundry...and soon.

I pulled myself up from the mattress, as if in a drugged stupor, grabbed a new pair of underwear and jeans and headed for the shower. I made sure the door latch locked and stood in front of the mirror over the sink. God, I was so pathetic. Who in their right mind was ever going to want to date me? Shaking myself out of my revere, I started the shower and waited for it to get warm. I shucked my dirty clothes and put them in the hamper, boxers inside the pants to conceal the evidence, maybe she'd never even know...yeah, right. My mom could find a bubble gum wrapper or loose coin at fifty paces.

Oh well, what's one more thing to add to a lifetime of humiliation.

As I stood in the stream of the shower, the water cascading down my shoulders and occasionally jumping to other parts of my body, I played devil's advocate for a moment....

What if Julian is gay? That would explain why he was always prancing around naked in the locker room in high school...and why he touched me today...and why he was looking so deep into my eyes. But, it's too much to ask for, isn't it? Besides, I'm not gay...well, okay, maybe I am, but he would never want a geek like me.

I grabbed the watermelon body wash,

mmmmm, my favorite smell

and started to wash myself. Running my hands over my body had become an extension of my recent dream, the shower, Julian's naked body, the plump head of his cock evident behind his partially drawn back, oh so- intriguing foreskin in my mind's eye. I bent to wash behind my balls and run my finger over my asshole...

oh man, that feels so nice.

I toyed with it a little, slipping the small tip of my index finger just past the first ring of muscle. My right hand moved of its own volition and began the slow, rhythmic dance up and down my meager shaft. The aroma of the soap and the heat of the water were making all of this so sensual, so erotic. The thought of me on my knees in the boy's locker room at New Bransford High School, sucking that sexy stud's cock, was all it took. I blasted into outer space. Considering how much I'd cum during my dream, I didn't expect there to be much, but I shot six good streams of milky white jizz almost into my face. The rest of the shower was perfunctory at best. I was a bit unnerved by this whole day and thinking any more about Julian was just going to make it worse, I told myself.