I needed to stay away from Julian that much was clear. I couldn't function normally with him around, but I still had him in one class and it met three times a week. Well, I'd have to figure something out, and I'd have to do it fast. I'd spent most of the previous day sulking; thinking about what I wanted and who I wanted in my life. A few things had become clear and "oh so" logical. I didn't want to be ostracized from my family, friends weren't really a problem because I didn't have that many, but I didn't want to acquire the reputation as being gay either. I thought about Julian for a long time. He was so beautiful and deep down in my soul, I hungered to do exactly what he wanted me to that day in his room, to touch him, his face, his long limbs, his beautifully sculpted maleness, but truthfully I was too scared and confused to make a move. I knew that I had partially led Julian on that day after he almost drowned, that I let my hormones talk when I should have been listening to my brain, but that wasn't going to happen anymore.
Everything I had ever thought my life was going to be was washing away before my eyes as I thought about the possibility of actually being with him. I knew now that he did think about me, desire me, if you will; but I just couldn't allow myself to fall into the trap of being that easily swayed. I was going to have to face him and tell him that I wasn't interested—somehow. I needed to concentrate on my studies; that would get me through all of this. At least, that's what I told myself in the comfort of my bedroom, where there was no one to judge me. And that's what I continued to tell myself up until I saw the bronze of his skin and hazel of his eyes overtake my field of vision the next morning in the lecture hall. I tried to get there just as the class was about to start, not to give him time to come up to me, but this plan was subverted by a very typical professor. Late—as I would soon come to find out was the modus operandi of the faculty at this state school.
Julian stood in front of me, a mixture of pure animal magnetism and the devil incarnate. My brain, which had been sure-footed in its previous assumption that I was not gay and would not be swayed in that direction, betrayed me significantly by sending all of my hormones rushing toward my mutinous genitals at the first sight of him. I quickly found a seat on the end of the row and tried my best to focus on Julian's eyes instead of the rest of his statuesque physique. He knelt next to me and whispered in my ear.
"Jody, I'm really sorry about the other day. Are we okay, bud?"
The feeling of his lips on my ear was almost more than my naïve and inexperienced body could take. I could feel the pre-cum leaking from the end of my lengthening cock, and I knew that I had to get out of there. I stood up as Julian struggled back to his feet. "I have to go, Julian," I said and I turned to leave the lecture hall. He grasped the top of my arm in a death grip and I turned to see the most horrified look on his face. Suddenly, nothing in the world was more important to me then making the desperation in Julian's face disappear. I mustered up my strength and looked across at the rest of the students. "Come on, let's go."
We walked for a long time before Julian finally had the nerve to ask me where the hell we were going.
"Did you have a destination in mind, or are we just walking off your boner?" He was smiling and I knew he had me pegged. I had to stop denying what was happening between us, but how was I going to do that without hurting my family or Julian, or for that matter myself?
We were approaching a copse of aging oak and eucalyptus trees and I veered toward them, set down my books and plopped, unceremoniously on top of them. He sat tentatively next to me and leaned back against one of the majestic oaks.
When he looked up again, I mustered all my courage and stared deep into his engaging eyes. "Julian, here's the deal…I'm going to talk and you're going to listen, okay?"
He nodded.
"I might sound like a complete babbling idiot and a total loser to you, but this is what is going on in my head right now, and maybe once I've told you everything I won't feel like such a stumbling, bumbling geek anymore. Who knows?"
As I tried to think about what I wanted to say to him, I felt small and weak, as I always did in his presence during the years we spent going to the same high school. Finally, after what felt like a lengthy silence, I just gave up and started talking, not trying so hard to sound knowledgeable or learned or anything remotely coherent.
"You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. I don't know when I didn't think so. It seems like every time I looked up in the locker room in high school, there you were, bronzed and buffed and the epitome of absolute masculinity. I knew I shouldn't be looking at you, especially naked, but my eyes betrayed me every second you were anywhere in the vicinity. I was mesmerized by you, by your hair, your eyes, your shoulders, your butt, and your…your, yeah that." I smiled at my awkward attempt to say penis. What was the deal, I had one too; it just didn't look anything like his.
Julian lifted his hand and stroked upward on my cheekbone. I thought my body had turned to butter. The hair on the back of my neck rose; it's a good thing I was sitting down because if I hadn't been, I'd have been on my ass by now. I was quivering and a tear escaped my eye, he caught it and brought it to his mouth, consuming it as if it were some precious, life-giving fluid.
I reached across and grabbed his hand back and placed it on my lips. I kissed the back of it and looked into the fire that appeared in his eyes. "I think I'm in love with you," I mumbled as I broke down and started to cry.
Julian encircled me with his arms and we just sat there for the longest time, me crying and him comforting me. I could hear a gaggle of mockingbirds in the trees above us, warbling their variations on the other bird's tunes and it was surprisingly comforting. When eventually I looked up from where my head had been on Julian's shoulder, he was staring down at me with the sweetest smile on his face. He understood what I was feeling, I think—no actually, I knew he had felt these same feelings, knew the same indecision that warped my mind for the past week, hurt the same hurts and craved the same things I did; love and affection and the strange acceptance that he was giving me with his embrace.
"I guess that means I'm gay, doesn't it?" I questioned, already knowing the answer.
"Actually, Jody," he said while rubbing my back. "It only means what you give it permission to mean."
I was confused. Was this ever going to end?
"Look, you are what you are…okay? If you think you love me, then all it really means is that you've found a connection with another human soul. Just because I happen to be a guy and not a girl, doesn't define what you are on the inside. A year from now, two, you could fall in love with someone else, someone who happens to be a girl. Or maybe you won't, who knows? Don't let what you feel for me define you."
He looked at me with a curious expression. "Does any of that make sense?"
"Truthfully," I thought, "No, but I think see what you're getting at."
I stretched my neck up a little bit and in the middle of a crowded college campus, I kissed another guy. The earth didn't stop spinning; the ground didn't open up and swallow us and nothing close to lightening struck, well, except in my head. Little stars were definitely fluttering all over in my brain, just like they had back in Julian's room that afternoon. I decided I liked kissing him, more than just about anything else I'd ever done in my life.
