Waves of Confusion

Wow! I finally had sex with another human being. Well, okay he wasn't technically in the same room, but it was sex, nonetheless. How embarrassing though; I had come all over myself while Julian's husky baritone reverberated in my ears and he knew the moment it happened too. What was that all about anyway? Was I that transparent? I think he realized how tentative I was about the whole issue of sex and instead of forcing me, he was playing a bit coy and a bit naughty to tempt me into it. Part of my surging hormones didn't need tempted at all, part of me was itching to have him naked and hard in front of me so that I could play out every fantasy I'd ever had about him. But in the next instant I was back teetering on the edge of my fence, worrying about what these feelings meant and most of all, what the repercussions of my letting my hormones win any battle with the rest of my body would do to my future.

As I drifted off to dreamland, the scene in Julian's room just a few days ago unfolded before me. Standing there with his enticing uncut cock peeking from behind the string of his Speedos my eyes widened and my mouth became an unbidden "o," willing the head to slip easily through my lips and taste the flavor of him for the first time. In my newly formed dream, the carpet was suddenly soft beneath my knees and I was untying that wisp of suit to get to the girth of manhood below. My tongue left my mouth longing to feel at last, the wrinkles of Julian's foreskin covered in the luscious nectar of his pre-cum, succulent, salty and sweet all in the same moment. I don't know if I moaned out loud in the night, but in the dream, I most certainly did. Just holding the head of his cock in my mouth was enough to get my motor running and I grasped the head of my own cock, squeezing tight, hoping to stem the tide of my imminent eruption. As I began sucking Julian's beautiful manhood, tickling the foreskin with my tongue and swiping underneath the head, the way I liked to stroke my own cock, my brain became a wash of white static.

The next thing I knew I was looking up at my whitewashed ceiling and it was bright and sunny outside.

RATS

, I thought, I had just been witness to physical perfection and almost felt Julian come in my mouth, well figuratively anyway—and I had to wake up. No reason to stay in bed now, I'd just end up with a headache if I tried too hard to go back to sleep and my dreams never repeated themselves when I wanted them to. So, with resigned indignation at the impending day ahead, I gathered myself up and headed off for my litany of morning ablutions.

Clean and refreshed, I gathered my backpack, making sure my books for Economics 10 was in with my other supplies and bounded down the stairs and into the kitchen for breakfast. My mother, the secret seeker, noticed my heightened mood immediately.

"Wow, Jodders…what are you so happy about this morning?"

Talk about shooting my day in the foot. "Mom, do you HAVE to call me that?"

"I'm sorry honey; I thought you liked it when I called you that?" Her face belied the attempt at impartiality I heard in her voice. "If you don't want me to call you that anymore, I won't."

She turned her back and fixed me a plate of toast and scrambled eggs, what she made me almost every morning. She was one of those people that believed in the old adage, a good day started with a good breakfast. I almost felt guilty for admonishing her about the name she's used for me since I was a toddler, but I needed her to realize I wasn't a baby anymore.

As she put the plate in front of me, I grasped her wrist and looked into her eyes. "Mom, I'm sorry…I didn't mean to snap at you, it's just…I'm not a little boy anymore you know?"

I knew from many moments just like this one what her next words would be. She brought my hand to her lips and whispered just loud enough for me to hear, "You'll always be my little boy."

"I know Mom, but I don't want to feel like a little boy anymore. I'm in college now and if someone were to hear you call me that, well…it would be embarrassing."

She stroked her hand across my forehead, brushing my bangs back into my hair. "Okay, a full and complete JODY, it is; from now on."

"Thanks, Mom!" I thought I detected just a bit of sadness in her eyes. I hoped she wasn't headed for a battle with empty nest syndrome any time soon, but I guess the fact that I was her only child and I was on the verge of making my own way, it was a bit inevitable.

"So, where are you off to today?" She continually carried on a conversation with anyone who was in our kitchen with her back to them. She was always busy doing something—preparing a meal, washing dishes or many other tasks I never really paid attention to. I realized as I sat there that I didn't really know my mom that well as I hadn't spent any "real" time with her in years.

Thinking over the reason I hadn't spent quality time with my parents, it occurred to me that if I wanted that to change I would have to stop hiding a part of myself that I wasn't certain I was ready to reveal. All this thinking was going to be the death of me. One minute I was ready to tell the world that I was gay and I was falling in love with Julian Claymore, but the next I was anxious and nervous, wondering how the people around me would feel once, or even if, I disclosed this

very

private information.

"Jody," she looked over her shoulder at me extricating me from my Julian-daze. "Do you have class this morning or are you off with that new friend of yours? He's quite a looker by the way, must have the girls crawling all over him."

So much for changing the status quo

, I thought with a sigh.

"Econ this morning, Mom," I said in a tone that one could have considered snippy. "One of the ones I have to get out of my way for my general ed requirements."

"Well, you know what I always say…do what you have to, to make your dream a reality, honey."

"I know…it's just so boring." And if I was bored in class, Julian was going to be the first thing on my mind; the source of my fantasies and my strife; how could one person become so important to me in such a short a time?

"Well, it can't be that bad, honey, just hunker down and get through it."

Do they teach parental clichés in some secret club somewhere? My mom certainly knew enough of them.

***

Normally, the Claymore house was not what anyone would refer to as domestic. My dad was usually gone by the time I even rolled out of bed and "the washer woman" was working down her list of daily attempts to replace my mother. My normal M.O. was to grab a bagel and a cup of coffee then head off to the beach or to school. I had just been surfing last night, so that was out for the morning—no one to go with anyway, and I wasn't in the mood to go by myself. I'd figured on going down to the pier though because they had a shop down there that specialized in "pride" jewelry. I wanted to get Jody something that signified that we were together now and even though I didn't want to push him into anything he wasn't ready for; I did want him to know that I loved him and that he was the most important thing in the world to me.

My father was setting at the table in the breakfast nook with the newspaper and a cup of coffee.

"Hi," I said my knitted brow with confusion. "What are you doing here?"

He chuckled a little, acknowledging the fact that he hardly spent any time at the house anymore. "I do still live here." He replied in jest.

"Really, I hadn't noticed." I got my bagel and coffee and started for the back door.

"Julian, wait a second, will you." He motioned me back over to the table and, against my better judgment; I went over and sat down. "I'd like us to find a happy medium here you know. I know I'm busy most of the time, but you are my son and I do still love you and want to spend time with you."

Keeping the sarcastic edge in my voice, I said, "Could have fooled me."

That made him mad or guilty or some combination of the two and he sniped back, "Come on, Jules, I'm trying here."

He hadn't called me that since I was a little boy. It was my mom's name for me, I was her little jewel and she made it known to whoever she could. Now I was Jody's jewel, but my father's—that I highly doubted.

"Look, Dad, you've been around squat for the past few months. I guess it's a good thing that I have college and a new boyfriend, 'cause otherwise I might have actually resented you for it. I don't expect you to drop everything and become Mr. Mom or anything, ya know."

"I'm not talking about that, Jules; I just want us to have some kind of relationship. I know I haven't been Father of the Year, but I do want to try. Okay?"

"Okay," I said with some serious reservation. "I guess you'll have to make an effort to get to know me again then, but Dad, don't expect it to be a cakewalk. Too much time has passed and some of the choices you've made are going to be with me for the rest of my life." That one stung and I could see him physically flinch.

"I love you, Julian." He said with complete sadness in his voice.

"I love you too, Dad. It's just been a long time since I've had any reason to show it."

Well, that was quite a start to any dialogue, I must say.

***

When I got to the pier, the shop I wanted to visit wasn't open yet, so I hung out along the boardwalk, watching people as they strolled by. I liked people watching, you could learn a lot about society and people in general if you just opened your eyes and observed. More people should try it; maybe we'd be a more tolerant society if they did.

When I'd finally been in to pick out the little metal bracelet I wanted to give to Jody, paid for it and left the shop, all I could think about was seeing him. I was pretty sure he had a class this morning and I had one at noon, so I'd have to quell my desires for a while anyway. I sent him a text and asked him to meet me at the Memorial Union on campus when we were both done with our respective endeavors.

I managed to eek through my class in Art History. The way the teacher lectured reminded me of the character of Professor Bins in Harry Potter, droning on and on, oblivious to anything or anyone around him. He might as well have been a ghost too, for all the attention everyone paid him. It was sad actually; he seemed like a nice guy when he wasn't lecturing, but once he got up to the podium, for some reason all redeeming characteristics left him. I know I had dozed off twice already in just two weeks, it didn't bode well for the rest of the semester, that was for sure.

Skittering out of the cramped lecture hall with the rest of the hordes trying to escape the insanity of absolute boredom, I sprinted toward the quad and the MU building. I had the present for Jody in my pocket and it rattled around as I ran toward the center of campus. I was so excited about seeing him. I couldn't remember ever feeling this way about any of my past boyfriends or girlfriends for that matter. As I rounded the corner of the glass front building, I saw him out of the corner of my eye, sitting at a little bistro table, his head buried in a copy of the campus newspaper. His neck was exposed in a fluid arch from the collar of his polo shirt to the bottom of his short brown hair. I felt an intense need to bury my face against it, savoring his warmth and scent, imprinting him on my memory forever.

Trying to pass by without him seeing me, I snuck up behind him and succumb to my impulses. I leaned into him and sniffed his scent deeply, clean and musky at the same time, nuzzling against the warmth of his sun-warmed skin. I kissed him there and he shivered. "Hi," he said demurely, turning his head to see what was happening.

"Hey," I leaned down and kissed him quickly and as chastely as I could manage.

"You scared me you know." His smile was small, a smirk almost, knowing that I'd only meant to surprise him, not scare him at all.

"Sorry," I replied as I reached into my pocket and put the small box on the table in front of him.

"What's this?"

I encircled him from behind and whispered into his ear in my sexiest voice, "A gift for my boyfriend."

"Mmm, I like it when you say that." He took the top off the box and lifted the small copper and silver linked bracelet out, the sun hitting it and making it glimmer as he turned it round and round.

"Wow, Jules, this is great, thank you."

"You're welcome, try it on."

He did and it looked terrific on his thin wrist. I was a little bias, I suppose. He could have been wearing nothing and he would have looked good to me. Actually I would have preferred that.

Finally, sitting down in the chair next to him, I took his hands in mine. "I wanted you to know how special you are to me, Jody."

We kissed a little, soft butterfly kisses, ignoring the rest of the world around us. Some jerk called us fags as he walked by, but not even that could ruin how wonderful I felt having Jody kiss me.

"Can we go somewhere else to do this, Julian?" I was sure the rude comment was having an effect on him and I knew I was starting to bone up, so the idea of extricating ourselves from this public forum we were in was appealing on more than one level.

"Sure, let's jet." I stood, pulling him up with me and we headed of toward the south entrance where my truck was parked. Given the scene with my father that morning, I probably should have been feeling melancholy, missing my mother at the very least, but with Jody at my side, his hand in mine, I was in seventh heaven.

***

Econ was an absolute nightmare. I'd been good at math and science in high school, liked political science or government as they called it at my school, but this class was absolutely the most boring thing I'd ever been in. We'd been in session two weeks now and I'd only been to the class twice, but I knew it was going to be the bane of my existence for the rest of the semester and I'd be lucky if I squeaked by with a C. While I was sitting there, trying to concentrate on all the numbers and statistics, I got a text from Julian. He wanted me to meet him in the quad after my class was over. Sounded good to me, I was up for anything that was more exciting than this crap.

I was done a whole hour and a half before he was so I wandered around a little bit, browsing in the book store for a mystery or something I could pour myself into when I wasn't with Jules. Nothing I saw appealed to me though, so instead I grabbed a copy of the free campus paper, stopped to pick up a cup of coffee and headed outside to find a nice spot in the sun and wait for Julian.

I read about the graduate students group that was protesting poor wages for internships, some kind of scandal with an upper administration official who was accusing the President of the college of discrimination based on her race and gender, the local police blotter for campus and the surrounding neighborhoods, classified ads from people selling TVs, stereos and other miscellaneous electronics, tutors advertising their services for advanced classes in engineering, math and some of the pre-med courses. Just when I'd perused about the entire thing, stopping for a glance at the personals, I felt a tickle on the back of my neck and then a pair of soft lips kissing me there.

I felt myself shudder momentarily at the surprise of it in general and when I realized it was Julian, it was the taboo of him doing this to me in public. I stifled my reflex to ask him to stop as he dropped his arm over my shoulder and put a white gift box on the table next to my coffee.

"What's this?"

"A gift for my boyfriend," he said with what I understood to be a certain degree of whimsy that went along with new love.

"Mmmmm, I like it when you say that." And I did. My dick was getting stiff in my pants and I would have given anything at that moment for Julian and I to have been rolling around anywhere with our erections pressed together. The boy gave me hot flashes.

Julian wanted to see me wear the bracelet he'd given me, so I proceeded to put it on. Then he kissed me, right there in the open, people walking by; anyone could have seen us. And truthfully, they were seeing us, but only one uptight jock looking guy with a buzz cut said anything; calling us that awful name that I was so afraid of. But I kept my cool. I didn't want to ruin this moment with my new boyfriend and instead of freaking out; I simply asked him if we could go somewhere else to continue this.

He didn't seem to mind and guided me, his hand in mine, toward the parking lot where his truck was parked. I crawled in, scooted over next to him and gently laid my hand in his lap as he drove. At every stop sign and stop light, he leaned over to kiss me, again softly and sweetly, making my prominent bulge, even more apparent. I hoped we were going to his house, because I really wanted to be alone with him. All the confusion and anguish I'd put myself through over the past couple of years about my sexuality was seeping out of me at a pretty accelerated pace. Every time I was with Julian I wanted nothing more than to tell the world how much I admired him, adored him, and loved him. Even the idea of telling my parents was becoming inevitable to me.

We arrived, as we had last time, at the back of Julian's house. I couldn't see any cars around, but it was late in the day and I just assumed the lady who I had seen last time was their housekeeper must have gone home for the day. I knew Julian's mom had passed away while we were still in high school, it had been in the paper and there were rumors flying around school that Julian had tried to kill himself afterward, but I didn't take stock in rumors and if Julian had been suicidal then, he seemed more in control now, at least to me.

Julian reached around me and hugged me tight as we sat there in front of the huge garage. We started kissing again, this time his tongue finding its way inside my mouth and me receiving it with verve and vigor. His hands stayed on my shoulders and chest and I realized he was trying to keep himself from touching me below the waist. I grabbed one of his hands and brought it to my groin, pressing it firmly into my erection. "Touch me, Jules." He did and it was all I could do not to shoot my load in my undies right there.

"Let's go inside," he growled at me. God, he was so sexy.

"Okay," was all that squeaked out in reply as I followed him into the grand place where he lived.

Rushing through the familiar path we'd taken the last time I had been here, I could see that we were indeed alone. We reached his bedroom door and he flung it open, not looking to see if there were any of those little pink slips tacked up on the bulletin board he had there. "Come here, babe." He said after he closed the door, locking the world out and us in.

I was all over him in a hot second. His hair smelled so good, some kind of eucalyptus or something, making me moan deep in my chest—

how did I ever resist this hunk of prime masculinity?

I didn't know, but I was done resisting, worrying, fighting my feelings. I wanted to have sex with him and this was when and where I was doing it. We kissed some more, our dicks rubbing up against each other, me knowing that his gorgeous monster lay just two articles of clothing away from me and telling myself I was finally going to suck it after all this time if it killed me.

Pulling away from him, I backed up and found his bed with the backs of my knees; I stopped and unbuttoned my pants, glancing up at his astonished eyes. I unzipped and let my loose shorts fall onto the ground, my cock practically bursting through my boxers. "I want you, Jules." The boxers hit the floor and Julian took no time in responding to my offer. He was on his knees in front of me in a flash. As his hot mouth engulfed my rigid prick, I just about shot in his mouth; this had to be the very best feeling I had ever had in my entire life.