Alright, I admit I might not be as straight as I thought.
I might be a little gay... maybe.
Or bisexual. Yeah, I'm probably bi.
It's this stupid Ian who's messing with my head. That's totally what it is.
"You just think about it alright? I'll see you after school."
That's what he said at lunch after he gave me mind-blowing head and practically told me I could do whatever I wanted to him -- even fuck him -- without expecting anything in return. I think it was that submissiveness that did me in, besides the fact that he was smoking hot.
The idea of this small, sexy, energetic little boy with an attitude giving me complete power over his body was the nail in the coffin of my straightness. The only thing that came even close to making me as hot as that one sentence from Ian were the times I would make out with Danny, and that -- the fact that my top two sexual fantasies were of guys -- was what destroyed the idea I'd been holding on to that I was just experimenting.
I might be a stubborn guy, but I'm not stupid, and I'm not one to lie to myself -- anymore. Am I gay? I don't know. Am I straight? Not completely. For now, all I know is I haven't been paying attention to anything my teacher has been saying all period and the bell just rang.
Ian will be waiting for me at the bus stop.
*
I walked out of my classroom and the first thing I saw was Ian. I'd meant to go find him, but he was already there waiting for me outside the classroom. For some reason, this gave me a warm feeling in my chest -- he was as eager about this as I was.
"Hey," he said, trying to play cool. I could see the excitement in his pretty eyes.
"Hey," I said back, moving aside so people could get out of the classroom. "You were waiting for me?" I couldn't keep the smile off my voice, or off my face.
"Get over yourself," he said, again playing it cool, but he was smiling too. "My teacher let us out early, and I just thought it would be more convenient if you didn't have to look for me. It saves time, so we don't miss the bus again." His red bangs had dropped onto his forehead and he flipped them back with his hand. It was sexy.
"And this had nothing to do with you being excited to see me?" I teased. He smiled.
"Fuck you," he playfully said, and we both smiled like idiots. "Anyway," he said, breaking the tension that had started to form around us. "I was wondering if maybe you wanna ride the bus with me and come to my house? My mom's not home, so we could talk about how this thing is gonna play out, you know?"
"Yeah," I said quickly. "Sure." He smiled, pleased with himself that he had sounded cool and calm while I was so eager. I blushed, and that of course made him smile even bigger.
We both got on the bus, and he put on his earphones while I sat next to him and pulled out my phone. I sent a quick text to my mom telling her I was going to a girl's house so I'd be home later, and she texted me back, asking if it was
the
girl. I sighed and texted back a simple yes.
After Jake punched me on the nose last thursday, I had to come up with something to tell my parents, cause I sure as fuck wasn't gonna tell them my gay ex-boyfriend's new boyfriend had hit me for yelling at said ex-boyfriend. I ended up telling them a guy had tried to put the moves on a girl who clearly didn't want it and I got into a fight with this guy to defend her honor.
They ate it up.
Not only did it make me sound straight, in their eyes I was a fucking gentleman. And now my mom thought I was going to this girl's house.
Whatever.
*
Ian got off the bus at his usual stop and motioned for me to follow him. We walked a few blocks to his house, and I noticed he lived in a not-so-nice part of town. He took his keys out of his jeans pocket as soon as we got off the bus and put them between his fingers as girls are taught to do to defend themselves against rapists.
"What are you doing?" I asked. He looked at me like I was stupid.
"Do you have any idea what it's like to be this small
and
gay in a neighborhood like this? I've lost count of how many times I've been mugged."
I felt sick to my stomach.
Poor little skinny Ian walking to his house every day worrying he's gonna get assaulted. I wondered if he'd ever been beaten.
I hoped not.
"It's okay," I told him in a low voice. "I'm here, no one's gonna jump you."
He looked up at me with a blank stare for a few seconds, before lowering his gaze and whispering, "thanks." Then he kept walking.
We reached his house, and the first thing I noticed was how small it was -- much smaller than mine, that's for sure. He unlocked the door with his keys, and as soon as we were in, he shut the door, locked it, and I could see his whole body relax. I felt sick again, wondering if this was what he went through every day.
He led me through a hallway, towards the back of the house (it was only one story) where his room was, and once we were there, he threw his backpack onto his desk and slumped into the bed. I stood stiffly by the door, not knowing what to do.
"Hey," he said, tapping the mattress next to him. "Come here." He looked awfully at ease, considering how scared he'd just been when walking from the bus stop.
I took a deep breath and laid my backpack next to his before joining him on the bed. I sat on the edge, leaving space between us, but Ian closed the distance and put his hand on my thigh.
"Relax," he said, squeezing my leg, which made my dick get a little hard.
"I'm sorry," I said, "I'm just nervous."
"You've got nothing to be nervous about," he assured me.
