"That's it! This is the last time I am ever going to fall in love."
The moment those words left my mouth, I found myself in a dark space. A space that was distant and remote, away from the voices, away from the stories that encouraged hope.'
'There he was, on OUR bed, fucking some fit young guy.'
The image was too vivid, too visceral, too intense, too much.
After a few screams, bottles of Vodka, crying on my sister's shoulder, Jacob, my lover of three years left me to pursue his career in a different country.
'Who am I kidding?'
In short, he wanted to live his own life without me in his horizon. Actually, he wanted to live his new life with that same guy he met at his office, the same man he brought to our home and to our bed!
'The guy looked like a reject from a British boy band.'
I mean we were in our mid thirties. Did he want o feel young again? Did he just go out there to have an affair with the boy band clone while we were still living together.
'The cheating I could handle.'
But, rejection could not get any worse than this.
'So, how am I going to bounce back from this recent emotional mess?'
The dark space seemed less threatening and over time the darkness would become a companion.
I would go to work five days a week, sometimes six. Late nights at the law firm, take out food, mindless chatter with other clerks. At least, the work filled my head with useless information, and it kept me from descending further into the dark space.
I had my own apartment, a good job, a caring group of family and friends. Life seemed perfect except my heart was broken into pieces. The difficult part this time was that some of the pieces were gone. I knew that when he left, I would never be the same.
