Win

[JAMES]

He winked at me.

It's not that I'm not used to getting winked at. I am a tall guy in my early 20s and I consider myself physically fit. I mean, you won't see my bulging biceps every single time I move but you won't classify me as someone who gets blown away by strong wind. I have a defined jawline and I have reason to believe I am closer to the golden ratio than majority. No, I'm not obsessed with myself but it's true. I mean, if you're gon'na read my story, might as well juice all the truth in it.

I'm no stranger to getting winked at or winking at someone. I am, however, a stranger with men winking at me.

Well, scratch that. Men have winked at me. I guess what I am really a stranger too is the strange feeling I felt when he winked at me. I had guys wink at me and I immediately look away and never look back. It has become an instinct. But not this time.

They were definitely wrong when they said it's 'butterflies in the stomach,' it's fucking wasps in there, stinging every corner of me, wanting to get out. It's weird because I was pretty sure too it was butterflies. Well, at least with girls.

Girls are definitely the last thing you expect in a gay bar tho. Especially a gay bar named VEINS. I mean really, whomever thought of that must be really high when it happened. But I was there.

I never had attraction to men until the past six months. It started with me mistakenly stumbling upon bisexual porn. I mean, I was pretty sure of myself. It has a pussy too anyway, I said. But I got more curious about that long, thick dick. Then I looked for some more. Then I dreamt about it. Then I think of it during the day. Then I fantasized about it with every hot guy I met. In six months I jumped from straight to someone-I-do-not-know.

Then I read a self-help book where the main point was 'The only way to find out is by getting out of your comfort zone.' So I ended up at VEINS.

I went straight to the bar and got beer to kick start the night. I needed some dutch courage. I scanned the population and saw all sorts of men, some I wonder if they still consider themselves men.

He was standing still in the middle of the dance floor. At least I thought he was. He was about my age, brown hair and eyes just like mine. I think his height is about the same as mine.

Then he did that tempting wink that awoke the wasps in my stomach. And as soon as he did, and as soon as I realized how I felt about it - my core beliefs rushed to my mind. I heard my dad, who is a preacher, go on the list of reasons everything I am doing at the moment is wrong. Then my mom who raised me with the knowledge that there is a very thick border between right and wrong.

And then came silence in my mind. I threw away all the moral beliefs I was trained to believe. I stopped wishing I was not gay, even more that I was gay, because I knew, with that snap second of a wink, that I definitely was.

He started to draw near and I could almost definitely feel my heart skip a beat.

Hi, I'm John.

His voice was deep and full. I was sure I felt a chill crawl upon my spine.

Hi, I'm James.

My voice trembled a little as I was saying 'Hi.' Way to go for bad first impressions.

'You're new here. It's the first time I saw you.' He said.

'Yeah, it's my first time here...or..in any gay bar for that matter.'

'Well then, looks like you need someone to give you a welcoming party.'

I just stared at him after he said that. That sentence was both straightforward and subtle. It was definitely a euphemism but it can also be just an actual welcoming party. It all depends on how I interpret it.

I must have stared for too long because he said, 'You can also just tell me if you're not interested. I know my boundaries very well.'

'No!' I exclaimed.

'No, you're not interested?'

'Yes. I mean, yes, please show me this welcoming party.'

He leaned closer towards me and I felt his beath upon my lips an his heart beat on my chest. I tried to lean closer but then he stepped away, grabbed my hand and lead me to the EXIT.