Without Form and Void

Chapter One: Individuating

His mind is a clutter of thoughts.

Did I get that e-mail? I don't have any coffee. John? Was his name John? Sweet smile, nasty attitude. Is it getting hotter? I can't run like I used to. Does Carolyn think I'm gay? My feet hurt. I've got to lose five pounds. My mother would hate me if she knew. I miss Butch, he was such a good dog.

And on and on. All these thoughts pounding in his brain as he passes me. I plow through them, trying to isolate those themes and ideas that make up this individual and also to identify his likes and preferences from which I can build the identity I will wear in his presence.

For four days I have observed him, each day gathering images, feelings, and thoughts. From this input my physical form has evolved. Tall, but not too tall. Strong, even buff, but not a muscle-head. Sweet smile. I need to attract him, to gain his confidence. My abilities to see into his mind diminish as I gain physical reality. I already feel the loss of connectedness. Time now has sway over me and I see things as past, present, future. And yet the sensations I am newly aware of from my still solidifying body are fascinating. I feel the strength of my limbs. I smell the trees of the park, the fumes of the passing automobiles. I see the sparkle of the sun on the river. Creation is glorious, and yet I still yearn for the bliss of non-being, still able to feel that deep inside this body, knowing it is my reward, my true existence.

With the gathering of my physical abilities, I lose my insight into his thoughts. I will retain the ability to know his feelings and this journal will be the record of my project.

Chapter Two: Without form and void

Earth, an ever fascinating instance of existence. Endless energies - both positive and negative - emit far beyond the reasonable reach of so small a place. Little wonder that it is again the focus of a study of manifested life requiring physicality, to separate a

being

away from the reality of oneness. It is only through

experiencing

life that connection to all creation is appreciated, that energy is renewed and creation expands.

Often through the ages, the questions have been posed of why man exists, why he has evolved apart from other life forms, why Earth - abundant with life - came into being. What underlies Creation? Why does God, omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, why does God require Man?

Man is aware of his central role in the world, but despite ages of philosophy and religion, countless theories and beliefs, Man cannot explain it. Yet he senses in moments of quiet or great awe that he and all of creation are not a statistical happenstance. There is a purpose and meaning to his existence.

Life, with Man at its center, is the engine of the universe, the energy source of God. Planets, stars, black holes, quarks and all the other imaginings of physicists and mathematicians are simply the stage upon which life acts out its dramas that are the true source of energy - not light energy, heat energy, atomic energy - but life energy - the purpose of it all. Life energy returns to God his essence, the essence that is creation. Without God, life has no meaning. Without life, God has no existence. It is through this cycle that meaning is achieved.

To experience life as it appears on Earth requires a separation from the Whole, a recognition of time and space, a process called

individuating

, to realize distinction away from the Whole. It is the objective to experience life in order to share that energy with the Whole that those who are not connected may realize the greater, truer existence that lies within them.

The individuated instance that I am becoming has a dim echo of a recollection of a life apart, a specific existence like those to be studied that had been my own existence on Earth set aside at my body's death. The process of individuating has many steps. This is distinct from the unique instance of human reproduction, taking on aspects of the world consciously while preserving an awareness of the Whole in order to communicate the findings of the study. Upon my return to the Whole, my experiences and recollections will be a resource for the essence of life itself in the continual dialog between God and Existance.

An assembly of beings participate in the research. An initial crew establishes a base of operations, obtaining a secure location, gathering the outward objects common to life on Earth and basic information on how life is conducted. These will serve as an outward cloak, allowing me to observe as one with my subjects.

Chapter Three: Mixed Feelings - Brad

The sun is at my back as I lean upon the railing separating the esplanade from the river. I feel its warmth yet am aware of the light passing through my yet forming body. My shadow is less distinct than the shadow of the tree a few feet away, and yet, I do have a shadow. I am waiting for him at this place, to enter into his awareness, gently, slowly.

After these weeks - time has again become relevant to me - I can isolate his feelings from those projected by the millions of humans on the Earth. I can draw my attention to him alone, even as his feelings reflect those around him, when his feelings are in concert with others, even as he sleeps. The ongoing jumble of his thoughts directs and influences his feelings, his mind never at rest, no feeling pure of itself. So complicated are these humans. All seeking more, not realizing that all can be had, connection can be realized, by releasing the mind. It is so difficult for humans.

I felt him as he awoke, his last moments of sleep a confusion of hunger, anxiety and dream-driven arousal. The jarring must have been caused by his alarm clock, followed by fear of being late, boredom with routine. Anger flared when he stubbed his toe on the way to the bathroom. He searches his image in the mirror for flaws, finding them when anyone else would see his handsomeness. A small satisfaction as he steps onto the scale, a few pounds lighter. Relief as he urinates. A familiar, reassuring sense of self as he tugs his balls, stretches his cock.

And pervading all these physical feelings, a sadness. Why bother shaping up? Who cares what I do, what I look like, what I want? Despair. Slowly emerges the will to give it another day, a tiny optimism that today might be different.

He comes into my range of sight, still pushing against ennui, not yet in stride, but his steps find a rhythm, his feelings focus. Coolness of the morning air, bright light and dark shadows along the path before him. A good feeling of choosing to be in the world.

His steps cross my partial shadow. He glances toward me. Instant flashes of fear and wonder. Curiosity as he glimpses my silhouette. A hint of arousal, a moment later shame. He doesn't break stride and yet part of his awareness stays on me. Then sadness over a moment lost. A few more strides and his mind surrenders to the noise of daily cares.

Through his day, tricks of light and shadow bring back my image, however faintly. Tomorrow I will have completed my individuation. Tomorrow I will enter his reality. Tomorrow he will be ready - I hope.

***

He feels good this morning. Why? I don't know, perhaps connection informs his feelings, anticipating my intention. I await him, fully realized in the human form I have assembled from his thoughts. I stretch against a bench in the manner of other runners. He comes jogging along the path, hearing the birds, smelling the air. Then a burst of attraction. A warming desire. Then a flood of shame and creeping fear. I raise my face to him and smile. He stops. All his emotions tumbling, his mind shouting caution, his heart quickening, his desire waking.

"Hi, great day to run" I break into his emotional swirl.

"Uh yeah" desire, shame, hope, he responds. Discomfort and fear rise. He toes the ground, glancing at me from under his brows. Desire, shame. Courage?

"I love running on mornings like this. I can get out of my head sometimes, for a bit."

"Mmmm" I agree.

"I haven't seen you around. You new here? I can tell by looking at you that you work out."

"I just arrived in the area. And, yes, I enjoy the feeling of being in this body."

"I don't know how you'll take this, but could I ask you a personal question?" Fear, shame, hope.

"Sure" I encourage.

"Do you want to join me for a health shake? We can finish our run and head to my place." Brazenness and relief, fear.

"Sure" I affirm. "I'm Angelo." I reach out my hand.

"Brad" he takes my hand, our first physical connection. I grip his hand tightly drawing him toward me. Caution causes him to resist, yet I feel his want of more touch. I pat his back with my other hand wanting to hug him, feeling my own caution of invading his space and adding threat to this first meeting.

Brad laughs shyly. "Let's go" he encourages, anticipation of being alone and small shock at his brazenness and increasing desire. We jog along the path. I steal a glance at Brad only to be met by his eyes glancing at me. Again the shy laugh.

Our steps fall into rhythm. In the extreme, humans demonstrate connectedness to each other in military marching. Even a random group of strangers will fall into step, evidence of an unconscious connection. Running step for step with Brad reinforces our growing connection.

Brad turns from the path and heads toward a row of large houses. He leads to an open stairway in the back of one, then up to the third and top floor. He unlocks the door, and gestures for me to enter. "Here it is" he announces. He heads toward a small kitchen, opens the fridge and removes several items, the beginning of making the health shakes.

I am drawn across the room to a wide bay window overlooking the river and path where we had just had our run. The sun streams into the room. I am caught up in the view of the river, park and city beyond. Even this random slice of creation is beautiful. I hear the whir of a blender and with wonder contemplate the endless inventiveness of Man. Man the problem solver. Man who imagines a life without work or effort and fabricates ever more complex devices and technologies to achieve what can only be achieved by releasing.

I feel Brad's hand gently on my shoulder. I turn and he offers me the shake. It smells of banana and berries - ancient recollections for me. "Here you go." Brad smilingly taps our glasses then bolts his drink. "It is a nice view. The house is old, the apartment is too small, but it is a nice view." I nod agreement, still finishing my shake.

I feel Brad's awkwardness as he gropes his mind for something to say. I smile, trying to project my eagerness to hear him, to accept any comment.

Brad toes the carpet nervously but finds a rising courage. "Uh, this may sound crazy and maybe too forward, but hell, here goes. From the first moment I saw you, I wanted to kiss you." Brad winces and retreats a step, expecting a blow.

"Nothing would please me more" I reply simply.

"Oh thank God" Brad erupts. "I was so sure you were straight, but hoped against hope. I thought I felt something and when you agreed to come over..." I cut off his speech with a kiss, not a small peck on the cheek, but a full blown, mouth-crushing, tongue-probing kiss. I crushed him to my chest and felt his mind empty to the sensations of the kiss. Desire overwhelmed him and to significant degree overwhelmed me. We shared the same feeling, this is what it is to be alive.

With regret, and the need to breathe, I released the kiss, still holding Brad fearing he would fall. He regained his balance, but still clung to me. His feelings danced across the spectrum of lust, vulnerability, desire for more, and fear of rejection. Then anxiety rose up to push away all others. "I've got to get to work". He deflated as he spoke. "I've got a meeting at nine and can't be late. Dammit." Then peering at me from under fearful brows, "Can we meet up later?" I could feel his rising panic and pulsing desire.

"How about for dinner?" Relief flooded Brad's being. "I'd like to see where this goes." Brad's emotions danced along again.

"We could meet up somewhere?" Brad suggested.

"How about we stay in?"

"Oh, that would be great. But I don't have anything here and I may be late and..."

"I'll pick up a few things we can make quickly. I'd like to get to know you away from the crowds."

Brad's emotions raced, with hope and desire struggling for primacy. "Six?"

"Six it is" I confirmed and turned to go.

"Angelo" Brad called after me. "That was some kiss."

"Yes it was. At six, then."

I closed the door behind me and was nearly staggered by the wave of warmth I felt from Brad. I knew he danced and spun across the room only to be caught up short by another wave of anxiety about being late, then anger at letting his job interrupt what might have happened. Suddenly fear that he had pushed away his one chance, but then summoning courage to be patient until six. Yes, six o'clock. Angelo would come. Would he come? Oh God, this would be such a long day.

I returned to the project's secure site to try to capture all I had learned and to inquire from the experts on local culture how I should proceed. One of the other team members, individuated as a woman, took me in charge to teach me all I needed to know about shopping and preparing a meal. She asked me about my subject, Brad, and gathered enough from my description to surmise an appropriate meal plan. She escorted me to a nearby market and instructed me about selecting ingredients for a salad and fish dish. We then went to a wine store to purchase an appropriate wine. On returning to our site, an apparent warehouse with concealed quarters for the individuated members of the team, to teach me basic meal preparation. As we simulated the preparation, dim recollections from my past arose in my memory, of preparing meals and other domestic chores. The world I now inhabited was both familiar to my own human past and entirely new. I was relieved that a kiss was unchanged, recalling the morning's interchange with Brad.

Confident that I could make the meal I had promised Brad, I retired to a meditation room to share my initial thoughts on Brad. The most important was that I had made a deep connection quickly, bypassing many of Brad's insecurities. I knew he held doubts about my returning and looked forward to easing his mind. I also looked forward to see how our connection would develop. My individuated body surged at that thought. Another recollection of human interaction I now missed from long ago.

The hour came for my return to meet Brad. Wanting to allay any fear Brad may have held, I crossed the city to Brad's apartment with time to spare. I sat on the top step in front of his apartment door and looked around. The scene was a mix of once ornate houses somewhat the worse for age. Many staircases indicated that the houses were now cut up into apartments. This had once been a fashionable neighborhood and retained traces of its former elegance in the trimwork and architectural details. A moment's concentration revealed pleasing details in most every direction.

Then I felt his presence, more his emotions, a mix of anxiety and anticipation. He hurried along the street and to the bottom of the stairs. I was rewarded with a huge smile as he spotted me waiting. He sprinted up the stairs, stopping at the landing to gather his composure and his breath. "You're here. I was so worried, but that doesn't matter now. You're here. Have you been waiting long?"

"Come" I beckoned to him. He closed the space between us. I held my arms open to him. He accepted my embrace with some nervousness at being in the open. "Let's go inside, I have things for the fridge."

Brad unlocked the door and stepped inside. I carried the bag of groceries into the kitchen and turned to see Brad watching me. "Are you for real?" he asked with both suspicion and admiration.

"Touch me, if you doubt?" I reached out to embrace him again. He met me in a kiss. Our bodies surged with desire. "Let's take a moment here" I suggested breaking our kiss, not wanting to stop but to follow the building passion. Brad was instantly chastened. I continued to hold him. "I love where I think this is going and I want to hold onto enough control to be mindful of every moment." Brad understood and gave me a quick kiss.

"I am kind of hungry" he admitted "and I can't remember when someone cooked for me. Let's eat, then..." his voice trailed off, then a wink. I smiled and returned the wink.

Brad stepped into the kitchen and helped me to find pans and utensils. The meal was ready in little time. Brad had set the small dining room table while I cooked. I gave him the bottle of wine to open then brought out plates already filled. We sat and ate hungrily though my eyes rarely left his. His enjoyment of the meal was genuine as was his struggle to remain patient. On finishing, he swept away the dishes while I looked out at the view as I had in the morning, though now in twilight. He approached me from behind, hugging me.

"That was lovely, thank you for the meal. You know I was worried all day that I had just imagined meeting you or that you wouldn't be here tonight. But here you are. Now what?" He ached with anticipation.

In reply, I led him to the couch, guided him to sit, and kissed him. "Will you make love with me?"

"Oh God, yes. I've been out of my mind horny all day." I put my finger to his lips to quiet him, holding his attention with my eyes. My finger traced a path down his chin, along his throat to the top button of his shirt. Pausing only to unfasten each button, my finger continued its journey, making a few swirls in his chest hair. Brad's breathing became shallow and rapid. "I am totally seduced" he muttered. I only replied "shhh" as I unbuckled and unfastened his pants, drawing aside the fly to expose the bulge of his cock, straining against his briefs. I leaned in to kiss him again, searching his mouth with my tongue, then followed the path of my finger with my tongue only stopping to kiss his cock head through the precum moistened cloth. "Oh yes" Brad whispered. "Angelo?" he said, his voice husky. "Angelo, I want you. I want you to fuck me. Now. Please? Let's go to the bedroom. I want to see you." Brad broke free and rushed down the hall. I followed taking time to remove each article of clothing, letting them fall where they might along the way. Brad was naked on the bed as I entered the bedroom, eyes wide with desire. I stood before him, only in boxers tented by my own desire. Brad licked his lips in anticipation. I hooked my thumbs in the waist band, pulling down until they fell to the floor. My cock surged in front of me.

"Oh God, I knew you'd be big" Brad exclaimed. I had modeled my physical form based on Brad's thoughts. His excitement at seeing me now naked confirmed that I had fashioned myself to meet his desires. I lay next to him on the bed, again meeting him in a kiss. Brad's hands ranged over my body, bringing more heat to my body's need. He grabbed lube from his nightstand drawer, covering my cock. I lifted his legs to my shoulders and pressed my cock against the pucker of his ass meeting soft resistance. His eyes met mine as I pushed in. He gasped once, then surrendered his fear to desire, opening to my cock. I continued sliding in, all resistance now gone until we were fully joined, not just our bodies, but also our souls.

And then it happened, the world dropped away, time stood still, the heavens opened and we were surrounded by light. The voices of angels joined in the song of creation and life filling our beings and we were complete.

Chapter Three - The Morning