"So what are you and lover boy doing for Valentine's Day?" Josh randomly asked me one day. Several weeks had passed, and we were sitting in the library cramming for a calculus exam. Josh was clearly trying to distract me, but I was just about at capacity anyway. I hadn't really hidden my new interests from anyone, so Josh and I were able to talk freely, but we never referred to Matt by name.
"Not sure." I answered as I placed my pencil on the table and looked up at him. "We haven't really talked about it. It's only been a couple weeks, I don't know what the protocol really is. Plus, we're two guys, and we haven't even had sex yet. Isn't it a little early for hearts and flowers and chocolates?"
"It's never too early for that stuff." He grinned. "Even if you don't do anything crazy you should at least do something special. Go to dinner or something."
"We can't go to dinner, people will notice." I reminded him.
"Oh yeah. Papa Bear wouldn't like that much." He sighed. As someone who was out and proud, despite having an influential family, Josh wasn't too keen on the fact that we were keeping everything a total secret. He wasn't really one to judge, considering his secret affair with Adam was totally off the books, but for some reason he was harder on Matt than Adam. He claims it's because Matt came to me, and if he was brave enough to try to seduce me, he should be brave enough to come out. Adam is excused because Josh is the one who pounced on him and pretty much blew him into submission. To me, it didn't matter because I wasn't exactly out and about alerting the world that I was gay either. I quickly learned I was all give and take with this new situation. It was working for us. It was far from perfect, but it would have to be like this for now. I may not love it much, but it was what it was.
"Not even a little." I agreed. "Although now that I think about it, he probably has to go out with Michelle that night to keep up appearances, so even thinking about it is a moot point." He just glared at me. "Josh, don't worry about it. It's fine."
He just shook his head and started to pack his things. "If you say so." He finally told me. "But the thing is, Jason, that you are the one who is going to get hurt by all this. His father announced he was running for president already. If he wins, you are looking at four years of being in the closet while he runs around DC with his beard. What are you going to do? Spend all of college having secret hook ups in hotel rooms and supply closets? You deserve so much more than that."
" I don't think it will come to that." I told him. "We've talked about it a lot. He's going to tell his dad over the summer and then we'll be out in the open."
Josh just stood and threw his back pack on. "A lot can happen between now and then." He reminded me. "You deserve a guy who will really be with you and not be ashamed of it."
"He's not ashamed." I snapped. "He just needs some time before he does anything about it."
"He's hiding you, and you know it." He returned just as harshly.
"Well, look at the pot calling the kettle black! Not like you can talk. Your boyfriend tells everyone he's out with girls every time he sneaks over to fuck you." The look on Josh's face made me instantly regret my words. "Josh, I'm sorry." I told him. "You know I support your choices, even if I don't agree with them."
He shook his head. "No, you're right." He said softly. "I am having a secret relationship because he doesn't want people to know about me. It's not perfect. It actually kind of sucks that he doesn't acknowledge me outside of our room. But you know what, Jason? I don't criticize your relationship because mine is any different. I do it because you deserve more. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, let alone my best friend. I just want him to realize how lucky he is to have you, and not be afraid to tell everyone else that he knows that he's the lucky one, while they miss out on all that you are. He should be out there bragging about you because you are special and he should be proud of that. If you were my boyfriend, I'd want to announce it to the world. You're practically perfect, and if he doesn't see it, he doesn't deserve you."
"Josh..." I interrupted. "I love you, you know that, right?"
He cocked his head to the side. "Okay?"
"You're my best friend. If you feel this way about what i'm going through, don't you think that I feel the same way about you?"
"I guess I never thought of it that way." He admired.
"Don't worry about all this heavy stuff yet. We are only in high school. It's okay that things aren't perfect, it's how we learn."
He adjusted his backpack. "I know. Just promise me you'll be careful."
"Only if you do the same." He grinned.
"Deal." I agreed. He gave me a pat on the shoulder before he left the library, leaving me to stew in the chaos of my brain and study some more calculus.
After working for another hour or so, I began to get antsy. The library had pretty much emptied out, leaving just a few stragglers behind. I packed up my stuff and was heading out when I decided to reserve a study room for the next week before my AP physics midterm. I would need the total isolation and silence to prepare. I was filling in my name on the room I liked when I saw Matt's name at the top of the list. He was in there now. That explains why he hasn't texted me all afternoon.
I put away the list and went up the stairs to where the private rooms are. When I found his room, I tapped quietly on the door before I pushed the heavy wood in. Matt turned to see who was there, his face lighting up when he saw me. "Hey!" He grinned. "I was just thinking of you. How'd you find me?"
"I saw your name on the list when I was signing up for next week." I told him. "This is my favorite room. I always use it around finals."
He gave me a shy smile. "Why do you think it's my favorite room too?" I just grinned. "Come on in." He told me, shutting his textbook. "How was your day?"
"It was okay, I guess." I told him, settling in one of the chairs. "I was just studying with Josh for physics."
"That's what I'm studying too." He told me. "I'm having issues with some stuff. Think we could go over it?"
"Sure." I agreed. "But can we talk about something first?"
"Yeah, what's up?" His forehead wrinkled, a tell tale sign he was worried about something I was about to say. We had been spending so much time together, I feel like I almost knew him as well as I knew myself. I had never pictured myself falling for another guy, but that is 100% what was happening. Matt's the first thing I think about in the morning, the last thing I think about at night. We have been acting as friends during the day around school so no one would catch on to him, but then spend evenings hanging out together in the sanctity of his private suite. Josh occasionally hung out with us, but he still wasn't fully on board with everything that was going on, clearly, so he tended to keep his distance from the two of us together. He still helped me out with everything that I was uncomfortable with, or told me about things I should try to please Matt. He really was a great friend, and I knew he had my best interests in mind. It just irritated me that he didn't see things the way I did.
"Well." I started, but then hesitated, realizing that I would have to ease him into this. He was still kind of like a skittish puppy whenever things started to get serious. I think he was just worried I would grow tired of our arrangement, but it did get hard at times. Sometimes, I wanted to venture outside of the dorm room, but I didn't want to be selfish. I decided to try again. "So, I'm going to preface this with the fact that I really care about you, and if you're not okay with what I'm about to ask, it won't be a problem."
