"Sometimes, it feels like the whole world is against me," Yusuf Sharif said to himself. Sitting on a bench inside the Bayshore Shopping Center, one of Ottawa's busiest malls, Yusuf watched folks walking by. Even now, he was aware of subtle changes happening within himself, and in his perceptions. A certain awareness, of sorts. For a long time, he wished it would go away. Now he was slowly accepting it...
Is the world ready for an openly bisexual man of Somali descent? Yusuf had certainly never heard of any Somali person, male or female, who admitted to being anything other than heterosexual. For the thousandth time, Yusuf was thankful that he'd been born in the City of Ottawa, Ontario, as opposed to Puntland, his father Ahmed Sharif's birthplace. If Yusuf lived there and people found out he had such feelings, he'd be a dead man.
Yusuf's eyes locked onto a couple walking by, a slim Asian guy with too-tight pants and spiky hair, holding hands with a pretty blonde-haired young woman. The pair made their way to the crowded food court. Yusuf shook his head, for something inside told him beyond a shadow of a doubt that Mr. Tight Pants didn't sleep with girls. The dude wasn't bisexual, he couldn't be. Nope, he only liked dudes. Had to be the blonde's chick platonic shopping buddy.
"Whatever makes you happy," Yusuf muttered, wondering why a lot of women went for guys who were so blatantly unavailable, when, in his not-so-distant straight days, he got friend-zoned by a lot of women. Isn't that always the case? When a man is decent, normal, and nothing out of the ordinary, ladies see him as too bland, too boring and too available. Oh, well...
For a brief moment, Yusuf wondered if, now that he was a sexually confused, down-on-his-luck, self-admitted ( but presently celibate ) bisexual man, instead of a too-available and presumably eager straight dude, would chicks start coming onto him? After all, didn't women always go for men with something wrong with them? Hmmm. Yusuf decided that it was going to be interesting to find out...
Yusuf's eyes kept going back to that unusual pair, and he was puzzled by this, because neither of them was his type. The blonde gal had no ass, and Yusuf, who likes a big round ass on a woman, couldn't forgive that. The dude whom Blondie was walking around with seemed to ooze femininity, and Yusuf really, really disliked such characteristics in a man. Yusuf always turned down the effeminate dudes if they so much as came within sniffing distance of him.
A few moments later, while lining up at Subway, Mr. Tight Pants, still holding hands with the blonde gal, subtly scanned the vast room. Mr. Tight Pants eyes met Yusuf's, and Yusuf quickly looked away. Yusuf checked his watch, and continued to feel the stranger's gaze on him. After a while, Yusuf looked up, and saw that the pair had moved on. They were both laughing about something, and, predictably, Mr. Tight Pants voice was as high-pitched as that of his blonde lady friend...
"Confirmation," Yusuf said to himself, shaking his head. The only men who make such intense eye contact with men they don't even know are men who are into men. Yusuf continued his solitary observation of the world around him. The world of a man who, for the longest time, identified as straight, only to recently become aware of his emerging bisexuality. At first, Yusuf fought those feelings, and was now struggling to accept them.
Yusuf recalled how, a few days ago, while walking around the Rideau Shopping Center in downtown Ottawa, he was approached by a tall, older White man. The old cat was on the prowl, well-dressed, and confident. He was without a doubt the kind of man who was used to enticing young men to his bed because of his money. Yusuf, disgusted by the old dude's blatant come-on, harshly turned him down.
"Not interested, bozo," Yusuf said angrily, before walking away from Mr. Rich Geezer. As a tall young Black man in a dark hoodie and loose-fitting jeans, Yusuf was used to having people stare at him. The old White dudes were the worst. They seemed to have a virulent hatred for young Black men. The very thought of going to bed with one of those bozos who had so much power in Canadian society and used it to oppress others irked Yusuf. Thanks but no thanks.
For the longest time, Yusuf wondered why, all of a sudden, guys started coming onto him. This puzzled him because it didn't use to happen before. Yusuf looked at himself in the mirror, wondering if he looked, acted, or dressed in a way that invited them. He'd spent his whole life being a regular guy, watching lots of man/woman and female/female porn, and going on dates with women. He had sex with women. He liked it. So, what gives?
In Yusuf's experience, most gay males that he knew were blatantly obvious. They had funny voices, womanly mannerisms, and seemed more comfortable in the company of women than in that of regular men. Yusuf wasn't like that. He didn't have a fondness for tight clothing, he didn't sound like a woman, and he looked, acted and dressed like a regular guy, thank you very much.
Of course, Yusuf knew that there were gay men out there who looked and sounded 'normal,' and he didn't mind being on friendly terms with a few. He wasn't looking for sex or anything. He was just learning to be comfortable with the fact that he was bisexual. Lots of gay men had their doubts about the existence of male bisexuality, and Yusuf was the first to tell them to fuck off. He didn't owe these people anything. He was fine going his own way, all by himself. Thank you very much.
As Yusuf began to do more research about the LGBT community, from intensely personal YouTube testimonials to dull, clinical academic works, he realized that they were a complex, varied bunch. The majority of gay men and bisexual men looked and sounded exactly like most straight men, but the effeminate gay males were the most visible members of the LGBT community and seemed to be its leaders, for some reason.
A certain die-hard hatred for bisexuals, especially bisexual men, seemed to be part of the LGBT community's bread and butter. Even bisexual women seemed to have something against bisexual men, considering them strange and not worthy as potential lovers or partners. This baffled Yusuf, but then again, the young Somali Muslim realized that he really should not be surprised. Very little about these people made sense...
Yusuf wondered if there was a society or club for bisexual men, and wondered if there was a way to tell bisexual men apart from gay men and straight men. Most of the time, Yusuf felt sexually attracted to women, but he wasn't hetero. Yusuf couldn't use himself as a measuring stick because he didn't think of himself as somehow representative of a community which he knew so little about. He hoped that some clarity would come with time.
