"'So...how was it?' he asked me as I returned home that Sunday afternoon," Lana began softly. "His voice was laden with hesitancy, despite... well, everything."
Lana was recounting to me the events of the previous weekend; still fresh and raw in her mind.
"I couldn't answer," she went on. "Instead, I slipped off my only two pieces of clothing; as had been the stipulated dress-code for the weekend.
"I cradled his face a moment and guided his nose in an exploratory route over my skin, knowing the scents would be the most vivid answer to his question.
"He closed his eyes as I led him on a guided tour of my body.
"I couldn't tell what he was thinking or feeling.
"'How many men were there?' he asked when he eventually stood upright again.
"I still couldn't speak and merely held up seven fingers.
"'And did they all fuck you?' he wondered.
"Still unable to speak, I handed him my diary.
"'Might have known you'd keep one!' he says, trying to laugh but I could see his apprehension.
"I understood that, though," Lana said. "I couldn't even go home straight away. I went a coffee shop, then a park to write it. I had to get my head straight... or nearly straight!"
During the previous sessions, Lana had been trying to get to the bottom of a nagging feeling that had been growing since Claire, her PA in Lana's own law firm, had joined the team some months earlier.
"Don't get me wrong," Lana explained. "Her work is exemplary and we all like her. It's just... she's almost too willing."
"Too willing?" I wondered.
"Yes... like... subservient or something. Can't put my finger on it."
Lana had given me a vivid picture of herself; a strong-willed, independent woman who took no shit from anyone - particularly men. That policy pervaded all aspects of her life, including her marriage.
"They've ruled the roost for way too long," she stated in her second session.
"Except at home, in your case," I replied. She didn't answer.
I asked her to examine her irritation at Claire, pointing out that anger is almost always a defence against something we fear.
Lana had told me that Claire had a husband, Clark, who was quite a dominant character but that Claire loved that about him. The first time he came to pick her up from work and Claire introduced him, Lana had bridled inwardly at what she deemed to be his arrogant air.
"There's that anger again," I noted.
"I'm not afraid of him!" she stated.
"Of what, then?" I asked, but she had no answer right then.
"Is it possible you find Clark attractive?" I asked during the following session.
"God, no!" she exclaimed. He's everything I've ever stood against."
"Is he good-looking, though?" I asked further.
"I suppose so," she answered, somewhat reluctantly; visibly uncomfortable with the admission.
"What attracted you to Jerry," I asked; about her husband.
"He's very attentive," she answered immediately. "He wants to please me. Not many men are like that."
Without voicing it, I took 'attentive' to mean 'obedient'.
"Are we talking about sex or in general?" I inquired bluntly.
"Both," Lana replied.
"And does that... does he... satisfy you?"
I watched her face portray the clearest picture yet of the inner conflict that had brought her to me.
Some months after Claire's appointment, the team had won a major - and difficult - case against a very male-dominated rival firm.
Lana had taken the team for dinner at an upmarket Chinese restaurant but right after the meal, had said she was tired and heading home. The ladies could stay on, however, and put the drinks on her tab.
Claire had remarked how tiring it must be; always being in charge, always being in control.
That had really bugged Lana.
"I put it in my diary," she said, wafting it beside her cheek. "It's a bit of a joke; me putting everything in there. I take it with me everywhere."
"Have you ever heard of Shiva and Shakti?"
"I've heard the words. But that's all," she said.
I explained at some length the concept of the two energies; how both can be found within every person but that Shiva was more prominent in males and Shakti in females.
"Shiva likes to take Shakti; to win her. And to be honest, Shakti likes to be taken and won."
Lana snorted.
"The trouble is, though," I continued, "There has been a huge misunderstanding about all this. Men have taken that concept and twisted it and, sadly, women have unknowingly fallen prey to that deceit.
"So...I'm just wondering if the anger that meeting Clark evoked, was defending you from a fear that you actually did find his persona attractive and that that would bring your whole world view into question; including who you are, everything you stand for (and against)... In short, your sense of identity?
"Is it possible that you are afraid that men's Shiva will rob you of your power. Some men will try that! But when Shakti chooses to surrender her power to Shiva, she remains in a position of strength."
Lana was listening silently.
"Does Claire seem weak to you?" I asked after a pause to let that idea sink in.
"Well... no, not really. She actually seems radiantly happy."
Another pause.
"Does Jerry seem weak to you?"
Lana stared to one side in silence.
"Does Jerry want you?" I asked.
"Of course! I told you, he's very attentive," she replied, but her voice weakened with every word of the sentence.
"See..." I began, "So far, you've only told me he wants to please you. There's a subtle difference, though, between that and wanting you; being hungry for you, isn't there?"
Lana paused the sessions for a few weeks, during which time, another conversation with Claire seemed to have opened wider a door which that session had opened. It was a Tuesday evening when she returned.
