04

Loosening Up – Book 2 - Cohousing

Chapter 1 – Hatching of an Idea

By summer, there were four women living with Dave in the Prentiss home: Alice, his wife, of course, Julie – her sister, Pam – Dave and Alice's first lover, and Heather – their second lover. Little Matthew, Heather's four year old son, also raced around the small home but was exceptionally well-behaved and easily occupied with his toys, TV, and electronics. Since Heather's mother lived only a few miles away, the tot frequently went on overnights at grandmother's, to his delight. Heather knew her mother spoiled Matthew, as any good grandmother should, but she took advantage of her desire to mother her grandson and often let him stay there overnight.

Most nights, Owen visited the house unless he was traveling. He was there so much that he'd left even more clothing, shaving gear, and a toothbrush in one of the guest rooms 'just in case' he stayed over, which he usually did because he liked his 'new family' as he called it. Alice teased that his multi-million dollar condo was going to waste.

With the two men, four women, and a four-year-old living in the house, it was crowded. Owen often tried to lure one or two of the women out with him, for instance to dinner or even to his condominium bachelor pad. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on your viewpoint, he was unsuccessful most of the time. Everyone wanted to be together and be open for a swap, and even Owen really didn't want to be separated from the others especially when the possibility of group sex reared its head, which it also usually did.

Alice had worried at first about Owen's presence. Worried that he was obsessed with her. Their week in Paris and Rome had been exceptionally romantic and special, and had Alice not had her marriage and other commitments she would have married Owen in an instant. She'd even admitted that to Dave a month or so after they'd returned, but by then the new state of their commitment was in place.

Dave had nearly worried himself sick the week Alice had gone to Europe with Owen. He was afraid of losing the love of his life to the billionaire, torn over the sex they were having belying his old beliefs about monogamy and exclusivity versus his new mindset, and anxious about the future of their marriage.

Christie and Heather had held him together, reinforced the new paradigm of an open and loving relationship, and then when she returned Alice recommitted to him in a major way that he trusted. They were open in their feelings about what had happened, and in how they would react and feel about things and their relationships in the future. Moreover, Dave grasped onto the new positions he'd moved to in his loosening up process: polyamory, no possessiveness or ownership, compersion, and an open marriage and relationship with multiple women. Dave quickly recovered.

Alice's admission also led to her own repositioning in her new 'loosened' state of life. She talked with Owen about their relationship and how they both needed to leave the inculcated meme for exclusivity on the side of some road, and never return to it. Owen wanted to possess Alice, and that wasn't in the cards. Alice explained that she deeply loved Dave and had no intention of upsetting that primary relationship. She also didn't want to be 'possessed'. However, she also loved him and had the ability to love him in every way as well as Dave and some other men, if only he'd also see that exclusivity wasn't necessary in their new setting.

Alice also loved Dev, Ty, and Sean, and their wives, along with Pam, Heather, Christie, and more recently Roy, Mike, and Clarisse. She wanted Owen to also love the others and if exclusivity was the paradigm for a relationship that he needed, then he should act on that and find someone he found happiness with.

Owen slowly changed, becoming more intimate with the other women, and building deeper friendships with the men. In this case, the term intimate wasn't limited to sex; it meant the deep understanding and camaraderie that goes with a relationship build on many different levels. Gradually, Alice felt that his focus broadened until it encompassed the entire group of lovers.

Because of the pairing of the married couples, Owen started to gravitate to the single women, and there always was a good bond with them, as well as fabulous sex. Of course, at the Saturday evening parties the field was open.

Dev and Alice noticed another phenomena by summer. Dev talked about it over dinner one Saturday, "Whenever one of the men or women in our circle are alone because their spouse is traveling, they're staying overnight with one of the others, and enjoying the comforts and excitement of loving sex from whomever they stay with."

Wendy laughed and added, "I think it has moved beyond that, although that still continues. The requirement for one spouse to be out of town has disappeared. When any of us want to visit someone else, they do. Further, sometimes those visits are couples with couples." She laughed, "Just last night Dev and I visited and swapped with Sean and Kat. I also happen to know that Dori spent last night in Dave and Alice's bed with heavenly results."

Dori chimed in, "It was heavenly, only there were some other women around that also paid attention to me. I lost count."

Owen also found himself being invited midweek to join the Winters, Connors, or Marburys. Pam or Heather occasionally went off with Owen for an overnight, even to his condo. After several months of observing his behavior, Alice relaxed her restrictions and also went off with the handsome man once in a while. By then, Dave never seemed bothered by the occurrence.

Owen got restless as the summer approached. Every second he didn't have to be at work or at some far corner of the world he was immersed in the activities of the Circle – the term the group adopted for their polyamorous intentional family. He took on various chores at each house, becoming a real handyman in the process, and even babysitting for Matthew on occasion to what turned out to be his delight with the youngster.

On the last Saturday in May, the holiday weekend, Owen showed up for the group dinner and 'other activities' with a large roll of blueprints under his arm. As dinner ended, Owen stood at the end of one picnic table and tapped his glass to get everyone's attention.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I love you one and all. I have a proposal to put before you that I hope you will consider seriously because I believe the feelings I have for each of you are shared by one and all for each other. Sure we have our rough corners, but we seem to have found a way to be with each other, a lot of the time, without those becoming too sharp or disruptive. I have come to believe, based on listening to you all talk, that you all want more of each other all the time."

There was a buzz of agreement around the two tables.

"What I am proposing is that all of us relocate to a common space that connects and bonds us, that gives each of us more living and loving space, and that reinforces the love and relationships we have built. Some of you women are considering children, and this would also be an opportunity to provide the space for those additions as well.

"In some contexts, this might be called 'cohousing,' and I'm content to use that word. One way to think about it would be if all of our homes were physically connected to each other, and we shared a single large kitchen, and spaces for media, living, playing with kids, dining, laundry, socializing, and so on, including our group lovemaking when we want to all be together in that activity as we have been on our Saturdays.

There was silence. Owen searched the faces looking for strong support or rabid disagreement, including someone calling him a nut for even considering the idea. Instead, he only saw faces looking for more information.

Owen went on, "I had a friend of mine who's an architect sketch out some ideas that could accommodate all of us, leave space for a few more to join us, and yet be the kind of space that would allow us all to be together round the clock."

He unrolled the plans and put a weight on each corner to hold down the rolled paper. Everyone immediately clustered around as Owen pointed to the large plan. "This is just one arrangement. It's actually a neighborhood outside of Washington, but you can get the drift of what I'm thinking about. See how all the homes connect to one another with walkways and then to a common indoor and outdoor space. If we did this here, I'd want more common space for us where we'd dine and socialize together. Of course, we'd also have our private space as well."

Dave and Ty started in on some details. "How would this work financially? Who would own what? Where would the land be? How long would it take to build? And more.

Owen answered some and pushed others off as a group decision by the founders. He obviously didn't see himself as the czar of the proposed community, but he had done some homework about cohousing and knew more about the possibilities in each area than anyone else in the group.

After an initial flurry of conversation and many questions, there was a long silence.

Owen remained standing. "So, am I nuts or might this have some appeal to you all?"

After more silence, "Alice stood and went to Owen. She pulled him into an embrace and kissed him, tenderly at first, but then with increasing passion. After a minute, she pulled away and said, "I think it's a wonderful idea."

Dave chimed in, "Count us in." He checked in with Julie, Pam, and Heather, and added, "All of us."

After that there was a chorus of similar comments. Everyone in the group liked the idea, and no one had so many reservations that they didn't want to be part of the resulting community.

Ty said, "So, what now? We all put our homes on the market?"

Owen laughed, "No, not yet. I asked my architect friend that very question. He recommended that he talk to each of you, individually and as couples or groups where that's the situation, and then he'd piece together a strawman set of plans or options. He'd be after your space requirements, what you'd want to see as common areas and what not, and so on. I briefly explained about our loving relationships with him, and he understands that I think, so don't be shy about commenting on ALL aspects of our lives with him. His name is Jack Anders. I'll have him get in touch with you on Monday."

"Where would this be?" Kat asked.

"I own large parcels of land all over the county. The nearest one is that six hundred acre parcel between the town bypass and Main Street Extension. I'd pledge that to this project for just what I bought it for seven years ago."

Sean said, "Owen, don't think of this as something you have to fund out of your own pocket, even with discounts and giveaways. I know you could, and that it'd be pocket change to you, but we want our skin in this game in equal measure. I want to emphasize 'in equal measure'. So this becomes a commonly funded effort by each of us. Where I guess it'll get different financially is the square footage that we each want for our own family units, versus what we buy into communally."

Owen nodded. "I'm fine with that. There's some vocabulary I'm learning that may help. There will be 'common elements' that are entirely shared and jointly funded, there are 'limited common elements' that you use as though it was your own but which are still public space – maybe walkways to your home, for instance, and then there are 'private elements' such as the interior of your own home or part of this. I think we'd all want to agree on some kind of common look to the overall development and agree to preserve it."

Kat asked, "What about the Prentiss' and how they've already outgrown their home by how they're living all together?"

Owen shrugged, "We'll see. My guess is that they'd have more private element square footage as Sean suggested," he teased, "probably including an oversize bedroom and their oversize custom bed. Jack will be the specialist on that front. I'm sure he'll have ideas."

Dori chimed in, "We'll need space for guests to sleep over, too."

Mike said, "You'd better have several different media rooms. I could see all the guys in one watching some sporting event, and the women in another all watching Bachelorette, or something." Everyone laughed.

Sean said, "I'd like a workshop."

Dave said, "We'll need a nursery and space for a live-in nanny. I foresee a lot of babies in the future of this group. Look at our ages and dispositions; we love kids."

Dev teased, "Can we make it so I don't have to mow the yard every weekend?"

Christie asked, "Could I get a stripper pole to practice and exercise on?"

Wendy teased, "We will need some space where each of us can get off on their own. There might be too much togetherness on some days."

Ty got a diabolical grin, "We need space for our orgies; maybe a huge room with wall-to-wall mattresses."

Heather tossed in, "I'll like a study room some place."

Pam added, "I want a small conference room, especially one that I could teleconference from and the backdrop would look super professional and not like a bedroom or living room"

Owen held his hands up. "Write all those thoughts down so you don't forget them. We'll get going this next week. I'll call Jack on Monday."

"How long?" Dave asked.

Owen shrugged. "For a project like this, I have some leverage with some of the local contractors. I could see us moving in by next summer."

"LET'S DO IT!" a couple in the circle yelled. Everyone applauded.

* * * * *

Jack Anders was an architect in his mid-fifties, salt and pepper hair that included a small pony tail, six feet, thin, ruddy complexion, and the kind of guy who wore a pocket protector in his shirt with an array of colored pens and pencils in it, along with a small calibrated ruler. Despite his nerdy appearance, he exuded confidence and competence. Besides being a successful expert in architecture, he was also exceptionally knowledgeable about cohousing. He was relaxed, even laid back, one of the friendliest people you'd ever want to meet, and several of the women even commented on his sex appeal. Jack was thin and fit, loved blue jeans or shorts, and had an aversion to socks.

Anders started his process with a group meeting with everyone in the Prentiss' living room; everyone attended. In his opening remarks he talked about the pros and cons of cohousing, building on a broad definition of the term: an intentional community of private homes or spaces clustered around or near a shared space.

Jack said, "There's no requirement for what has to be in the shared space or private. Sometimes, there's some space for shared meals and prep, living, laundry, and perhaps media. In a group with children, playrooms and outdoor play space is typically part of the common space depending on the climate. Often, the community is intergenerational with the population from infants, possibly, on up to octogenarians. The diversity is one of the attractions of a project.

There's also no requirement in the number of people that make up a cohousing project or their ages. Basically, the space makes it easier to socialize and be with your neighbors.

Jack looked around the room at the group reconvened and added with a slight smirk, "Owen said you were all close friends. I got some very specific comments from him that hinted at your group closeness."

There were a few snickers. Dori teased, "Very close, even intimate you might say."

Dave said, "Jack, did Owen explain our relationships?"

"Errr, not completely. I tried to read in the white space."

"All the adults in this room are physically intimate together. While we have our marriages and primary relationships, we also find pleasure and love with each other, as well. We have become a large and intentional polyamorous family over the past year or two."

"Oh!" Jack said, as his voice rose an octave in that one syllable. He let the words sink in. After a thoughtful pause, he asked, "How did you form this group?"

Dave explained about the affinity they found in one another a couple of years earlier. "The hugs and kisses got more intense, but things really started to escalate when Dori gave my wife some challenges to help the two of us loosen up, especially sexually. We were both pretty up tight in that regard. The challenges were fun, and forced Alice and then me to reevaluate what we held as important. We moved or tossed away almost every boundary we had. Eventually, so did the others in this group. We found we truly enjoyed loving each other, not only in a general way or platonic way but also physically."

Dave continued, "At that point there were only eight of us. Pam was a consultant to my company, and the two of us found the same resonance I had with the others. She visited us several times, and Alice felt the same way, so Pam became kind of my second wife. She integrated into the larger group just the way we did.

"Owen and Alice found each other through dancing at a club and tattoos he gave her. Alice met Christie dancing at the Club Ecstasy, and through her Mike when she did an adult video. Clarisse is Mike's fiancée, but she loves all of us. Oh yes, Heather, danced at the club, too, before returning to college. Julie, Alice's sister, moved in with us a few months ago from up north."

Jack asked neutrally, "And, I suppose she's sexually integrated into your group."

Dave smiled, "She is." The others nodded.

Jack spoke but sounded serious, "Well, my wife, Grace and I would like to apply for membership in your Circle. You need someone older in your community ... people who are open minded about your lifestyle ... and who might like to participate." He smiled, but most could tell he was genuinely interested.

Dori said, "You mean older than Ty and me? We've been the seniors here since we're in our forties."

Jack allowed, "I'm fifty-four and Grace is fifty, but I think she looks like she's in her twenties. My request is real, although I'd need to talk to Grace. I'm sure she'd be more than just interested in the concept. She and I have wanted something like this most of our lives. I'll talk to one of you later, for right now let's get back to cohousing and the meeting."

Jack again ran through the pros of cohousing: community, intentional family, multi-dimensional social life, in our case improved physical access to each other, ability to share seldom used tools or other items, money savings, and so on.

On the con side, he talked about the need to shift one's view about privacy, possessions, need for open and honest communications, hurt feelings, processes everyone can agree on for annexing or evicting other people or families, cost sharing and equity management, job sharing and rotation, and more.

Jack said, "There's also some issues you all need to think about in how and on what basis you want to manage the resulting complex of homes and the common areas. Typically, people own and pay a fee on their own unit proportional to the square footage, and then on that basis share in the costs associated with the common and limited common areas. What'll be the philosophy about upkeep, maintenance, and improvements? There's also the issue if someone wants to leave and sell, and who replaces them; do you put any restrictions on either move or eligibility? Of course, there's always the issue about what would happen if one of you got in financial difficulty and how that would be handled."

Dave instantly said, "The rest of us would pick up the load." Everyone's head nodded. He noted that the cohousing concept was starting to have a three musketeers flavor to it. He liked that: one for all, and all for one.

Jack said, "I'll be interviewing each of you and then your family unit. Owen said that you Dave have the largest unit with four of you."