Chapter 25 -- Experiment in Reality
Susan said, "This sounds a bit like a cult."
Dave chuckled. It wasn't the first time he'd heard the accusation about the Circle. In a way, every unique group was a cult in his mind. His old Christian church had been more of a cult than the Circle because of how they restricted everyone's thinking to only the rules and such they wanted the congregation to adhere to.
Alice nodded at Susan and shrugged, "Perhaps. We try to keep a lot of links to the outside world so we don't become too inbred or insular. Most of us work outside the Circle in some way. Most of our discussions are not about our philosophy, but about books we've read, TV shows, movies, current events, and more. We think we're pretty normal, well, except for our lifestyle about our intentional family."
"Why cohousing?" Susan asked, changing the angle of the conversation slightly.
Dave responded, "Eight of us that started the Circle were in the same neighborhood, but not next door to each other. As we became increasingly sexual, we wanted to be physically closer to each other. Our numbers were growing, too; and we annexed a few people who were not in our neighborhood, but wanted to be near one of us. The house Alice and I had filled up with my new wives.
"One of our members suggested that we create a new project -- what turned into this cohousing project. As we did, we annexed the architect, his wife, and their daughter. We grew again."
Alice said, "What started this, and Susan this might apply to you, was that one of my friends decided that Dave and I needed to loosen up. We were fundamentalist evangelicals, and wound tighter than a spool of thread. That said, we were slowly realizing that something wasn't right in who we were or what we'd been taught. I guess we wanted something refreshing because we started our loosening up process with enthusiasm. Everything we did brought us closer to this." She gestured around at everybody and the homes.
The table talked more about the Circle, how it had formed, and some of the problems. Alice also talked about the loosening up process that Dori had put them through.
Susan asked Holly, "You came to the Circle because you were in love with Dave, but broadened out to everybody. What caused that?"
Holly said, "Dave had to sit me down and explain to me about being non-monogamous and not being exclusive. Those are part of the underpinning for the Circle. No one possesses anybody else. There's no ownership. Imagine if there was; one of the men might say, 'I ALLOWED my wife to have sex with so and so.' That statement means he owns her; he's her controlling owner or parent; he's her gatekeeper. This place is the most egalitarian group of people I've ever known. Consequently, I un-fixated from Dave and broadened my focus; and I'm so glad I did."
"How'd did you stop your fixation?"
Holly looked at Alice, almost for permission to speak.
Alice said, "Let me talk about this. Shortly after we had loosened up enough to have sex with others, a challenge was laid down for us by one of our members to spend the week with someone other than your spouse. I ended up paired with a man I really liked a lot named Owen. He happened to have the resources to take me to Paris and Rome for that week, and it remains the most romantic week of my life. I damn near left David to spend the rest of my life with him, but I stopped myself literally at the last second.
"The instant that I saw David after having been with the man for that week, I knew I had to make a decision. It wasn't a contest. I chose my husband. It was damn hard, because I wanted the other man, too. As it turned out, I got both of them, but I didn't know that at the time. I thought it was an either-or decision."
"How'd you let that man go if you felt that way? Say more."
"I had to focus on what I needed to let go of, and what I wanted to hold on to, and it wasn't the men; it was the underlying set of rules about relationships that I'd been raised with. As it turned out I had some stored up anger and resentment at David, and at myself. Much of that stemmed from the way I was raised and my church upbringing. We'd been co-enablers of that paradigm our whole time together. I realized I had been treated as a chattel unworthy of making it on my own. My father
'gave me away'
at my wedding to David; what the fuck do you think that symbolizes; certainly not an egalitarian relationship. David and I went to church for years, and I received continuous messages to 'obey' and 'support the man of the house' and so on. David was fat, dumb, and happy, and doing what was expected of him by the church, our parents, and by me. He took care of HIS little wife -- his possession. I was his dependent and his submissive.
"When we started to loosen up, I realized how I had been put upon. So did David. He was more rabid about not possessing me than I was. We set about correcting all those past mistakes and nearly thirty years of upbringing. I didn't know it until I got with Owen and fell in love with another man, one that was also liberated but operating under the miasma of exclusivity. We all crawled out of a hole society had dumped us in. We were all supposed to conform but didn't."
David spoke up, "I thought for a while that the hardest part of our loosening up was 'allowing' Alice to have sex with another man. Somewhere in the midst of all our talking and trying new and sexy things, I realized that wasn't my big daunting issue. The real issue was turning her loose as an independent being. I wasn't sure how to relate to a wife that was my equal. Fact is, I had been a terrible partner, just muddling along following the rules I was taught as I gew up. I made some decisions without asking her, and then pushed off others on her without any support or guidance when I had all the facts. How would I live in an egalitarian relationship? I had no idea, and even today, I'm still learning -- and with four wives, too."
Alice said, "I realized if I went with Owen, it would be different but the same. He'd been raised in the same society and was trying to make the same breaks with tradition. I had to control my thoughts for a while, and force myself not to mope about having to 'give up' Owen and stay with good old Dave. I turned things around. I went through the grief process, too; denial, anger, and then exploration and acceptance. I forced myself to stop heaping my anger and stress on David. My thinking wasn't his problem; it was mine." She turned and patted Dave on his knee.
Alice went on, "Last, as part of my letting go or getting past my fixation was developing a vision of the life I wanted to have. Pam was already with us at that point, and I even tested whether I wanted her in my future life. Ultimately, I defined pretty much how we're living now, except it got better with the cohousing situation and being close to the people I love. I was short sighted as it turns out. I was too limiting in the number of people I would love. I was too conservative about what my sex life would be like."
"Would you change anything?" Susan asked.
"Not right now," Alice replied after a few seconds of thought. "I've never been happier. I got my cake and I can eat it, too. We pulled Owen into our Circle. He loves not only me but all of the others. I get to spend time and make love with him frequently. I admit we still have a strong connection just as I do, but even stronger, with Dave, but I made all the other connections I had in my life stronger, too."
Dale asked, "How do you hide all this at work?"