Book 3 - Growth
Chapter 1 -- Off the Record
Wednesday evening Ken and Dave sat at the bar in the media room watching a re-run of an old football game. The TV wasn't that important; the discussion was. Ken had just finished a ninety-minute flight lesson with Alice. Pam was traveling again.
Ken tentatively said, "Last Saturday night blew me away. Thank you for seeing me. I want to be sure there are no ill feelings by you about me because of my relationship with two of your wives."
Dave laughed, "I bet the night did blew you away, and I have no animosity or resentment about you in any way. In case you haven't noticed, we all live in a large open marriage with each other. Are you all right with the way things turned out? I know the women ganged up on you and you've been invited to a more permanent status with us."
"Yeah. I've been chewing on things since. I couldn't concentrate on much else other than what happened. Nancy talked to me by phone yesterday about my housing situation. Tonight's dinner with everybody that was here also helped me decide. I do want to join the Circle. I'm not sure of the economics and whether I can afford it, but I'm more than willing to try."
"There were almost bets that you'd decide that way. Why did you hold off?"
"I have this thing about intimacy and sex. I think I should develop intimacy with a woman I like before we have sexual intimacy. I'm a 'mind, body, and spirit' guy. First we meld our minds together, then our bodies, and then, hopefully, we find that our spirits blend together and we find a unique closeness with each other on many planes."
"And Saturday was putting the cart before the horse?"
"With some of the women. I was in the process of developing a closeness with Alice and Pam, and then we had sex. I'm cool with that, because we keep talking together and growing our relationship. Rachel and I started on that path, too, and then I gave into lust and we started to make love.
"But then Wendy, Kat, and Grace ... attended to me."
"You can say fucked. My sensibilities won't be upset."
"OK. They each came to me that night and we fucked. I didn't have the emotional attachment with them yet. I found the attachment times a thousand with Grace, but I never had time with the other women."
"Ken, I think you'll find that you grow that attachment over time. I've had some of the same feelings, especially with some of the new people or a woman I meet for the first time, and then we're fucking moments later. I can tell you that my feelings of intimacy and closeness to each of them has grown over time. Allow yourself to be open to the experience of sexual intimacy first, and then take the steps to pursue the other kind of intimacy. You'll move between the two as each develops, like putting the weight on alternate feet as you walk."
Ken thought about that. "I can do that."
Dave teased, "As a jet jockey, I expect you've of had a line of women around the block that you were boffing."
"Not me. I allowed my ego to take me in that direction a few times when I was younger, but I quickly found that the more meaningful relationships and the ones that made me happiest were with women I could talk about anything with, could confide in, and who were my equal. That's how I feel about Alice, Pam, and now Grace, and somewhat with Rachel."
"I heard you kind of fell for Grace."
"Very hard. I think she likes me as well."
"She does. I heard about that third hand."
Ken looked exceptionally pleased.
Dave asked, "Did Alice or someone talk to you about our ... rules, but I hate to use that word. It sounds so authoritarian."
"Try me," Ken said.
Dave said, "Where do I start because they're all interwoven. First off, I guess is our assumption that we live in a world that is loving, kind, and fundamentally spiritual. We aspire to be that way in all our interactions with others. We do not see most things, including relationships as a zero sum game."
"Zero sum game?" Ken asked.
"If I get some, then you don't. If someone loves me, then they can't love you. If I give my love to someone then I have to take it away from someone else. Those are examples of a zero sum game. The opposite is to believe in a life filled with abundance. The more I give away, the more I receive in return. I give my love to each woman in our Circle, and I receive ten fold back to me. That's hardly a zero sum game."
Ken nodded.
"Accordingly, we are not jealous. That is an unwanted emotion in our Circle. We are not possessive. We treat each other as equals. We share ourselves, but it is all right to say 'No' once in a while. 'No' means exactly that." Dave stopped.
Ken waited and then said, "You didn't say anything about the sex."
"I don't know what else to say about it. Maybe 'consenting adults can do whatever they want about sex.' That's a good adage because it puts the emphasis on consent and not to base what you do or try to do on assumptions. To execute that statement properly calls for some kind of communication between you and your partner or partners. Communications is a hallmark of the Circle.
"If you're kind, patient, loving, full of compersion -- the opposite of jealousy, sharing, non-possessive, and treat people equitably -- I guess like the Golden Rule, then everything else in our Circle follows, including the sex."
Ken said, "I think I've been living pretty close to that model, although the bridge to sharing a woman I love with another man is a large one."
Dave smiled, "Look around you and see whether breaking that model has hurt any of us. If you feel it has, please come to me and talk. I want to know about it, or to try to understand better than I might with superficial knowledge."
Ken shook his head, "When I first met you, and Alice and Pam were coming on to me, I was really confused. They assured me that you were fine with whatever they did, even having sex. I thought you were a cuckold, but you're not. I would have expected much different behavior, but you come across as a sane, stable, thoughtful, brilliant, man that's a good leader for the Circle."
Dave laughed, "Ah, good. My disguise is working and I'm still fooling people."