"I guess you could say...'bone down?' Eh? Because I am down one functional bone?"
Scott was trying to make me feel better. Trying to make it so this entire night didn't feel like a complete disaster. Some days just feel cursed, though, and this was one of them. To the best of my knowledge, we hadn't stepped on any ancient artifacts or dinged a witch's Prius with our car door or anything. And yet.
"Look," I told him, as I returned with a plastic bag full of ice. "I appreciate the pun. You know I do. But that doesn't mean that twisting your ankle while dancing at a sex club is funny."
"It can be," Scott said, wincing as he placed the cold bag against his foot. "You just have to decide to let it be." He shot me a big, if somewhat forced, smile.
The attempted optimism was...sweet. Usually, I appreciated it, but, at the moment, I just needed to wear my Despair Hat. Because of course, we would blow what little fun money we had on a night that would get completely derailed. All because I thought we should step out onto the dance floor and bust some form of groove.
"This is my fault. I might as well have gone all Misery on you," I said, rubbing Scott's shoulder.
"That's...probably exaggerating a bit," he chuckled. "I think my mistake was attempting to move my physical human body even though I'm in my thirties now. I tempted fate!"
I gave him a little kiss on the neck. "You are very tempting," I said, trying to push through my funk to get back to why we were here.
Scott turned, kissing me on the lips. "I appreciate the offer, but I don't even know what I'm capable of after this. Even sitting down, it still hurts quite a bit."
"That's totally fine," I said. "Tonight doesn't have to be...anything."
I'd meant it reassuringly, but it came out a little sadder than intended. I glanced around the room at the other couples and throuples and other multiples of bodies, dancing and enjoying themselves. A sigh escaped me. At least we weren't allowed to have our phones on in here. I had no desire to get back to my phone.
That was the point of this particular trip to the swingers club. Our fellow couple-in-crime, Jack and Allisen, weren't able to come along. Something about how Allisen was "a week out from her due date" and "the baby could come at any minute" and other flimsy excuses. It felt weird to be here on our own again, but I just needed something to get me out of my head. My phone hadn't stopped buzzing ever since last night. Because even though I didn't even have a job in the gaming press anymore, because there were only, like, three jobs to be had, I'd still managed to get some negative attention from the worst parts of the fandom.
I'd gotten plenty of negative feedback on my work in the past. Being a queer woman on the internet, having random people decide you were the source of all evils was a part of the job. This time, though, I'd made fun of what turned out to be a sacred cow of anime titty games. What I thought was a harmless post on Tumblr had ballooned into harassment on every social media site I was a member of, including my personal Facebook page. I'd gotten threats, implicitly anti-semetic Photoshop edits of my picture, had former employers contacted, and even Scott had some negative attention thrown his way. I'd admire the mob for its efficiency if they didn't make me lose all hope in humanity.
That's why we were here. Because I wanted to be somewhere unreachable. Wanted to be away from the worst part of a job that paid peanuts and was making me hate everything I used to love. Wanted to not be...me, anymore.
And now, we were probably going to have to go home. Which was...fine. Things had been fun at the club so far. The potluck was, as always, divine. Scott and I had been planning to try out some of the fun toys in the BDSM room. We'd taken a little look around post-dinner, and, honestly, I was feeling like getting strapped into something. And then I had been like "Yeah, but let's just dance for a little while while we wait for our food to settle.
Oy.
My head drooped onto Scott's shoulder. Purple and blue lights flashed in our eyes as "Uptown Funk" coaxed more people onto the dance floor. His fingers, cold from the ice, gently ran through my hair.
"At least we're out of the house," he said. "That's not nothing."
"Yeah..." I sighed.
"I am sorry, though. I was looking forward to making you cum so hard you forgot your name," he shrugged, making my head bounce slightly.
"Right?!" I said, hands out and pleading. "I don't want to have a name, tonight! I don't want to...be a person tonight."
"I know, Marie. I know," he reassured me, kissing me on the forehead.
A grumpy look came across my face. "I miss our buds."
"Me too."
"Like...I know it sounds...I don't know how it sounds. But, like, I really enjoy having all of you fuck me. It feels good or whatever, but...it's more than that."
"I think that makes sense," Scott replied.
"It does?"
"Yeah. I mean, I say this with love, Marie, but...you're a people pleaser. In all ways. Maybe more than you should be. You...like being helpful. Being useful. It gets you in trouble sometimes, but it makes sense."
His eyes met mine and I smiled. It was unbelievably good to be so known. Scary, but good.
"You get me," I smiled.
"I like to do that, yeah."
Looking around the club once more, I couldn't help but think on what lay just beyond the almost-chaste dance floor area. To the play rooms and all the fun toys and tools available. My memory flashed back to our little tryst in the glory hole room. Getting to use that opportunity to get to know Allisen and Jack better had been great, and I wouldn't trade that night for anything. But there was also a part of me that had been excited for the anonymity. Being able to just be used for someone else's pleasure, nothing more. My brain was unhelpful. A lot of the time, even with people I loved, it always felt like I was trying to make them like me in spite of...something. Some intangible negative quality that I always felt like I was having to paddle upstream against.
A need slammed itself against the wall of my brain, trying to get through. A want that was definitely more than what we had done before. Scott would probably like it. I think he'd like it. Maybe. But maybe not. And that "maybe not" was trying its damndest to push back against any courage I might have had tonight.
"Scott?" my voice quivered.
"Yeah, love?"
"You...liked watching me go down on Jack, right?" Each word felt like it was being wrenched up from deep within me, and I wasn't even at the main question yet.
"I liked it a lot, Marie," Scott said, reflexively biting his lip at the memory. "It...really gets me going to watch you have fun? Like, sex fun?"
An involuntary giggle bust out of me, courtesy of my heightened nerves. "Heh, yeah, I figured that was the fun you meant."
