A work of fiction - unfortunately.
*****
The first year of college was a welcome relief from high school. My name is Joshua and I'd always been something of a late bloomer, didn't have my first kiss until I was in 9th grade, and I was still a virgin when I moved into the student dormitories at the large public university where I enrolled.
I lived on the 9th floor and I was quasi-popular simply because I brought the X-Box. Down the hall lived two roommates, Rachel and Jennifer. Jennifer isn't really important to the story, but Rachel was a trip.
None of us could really figure Rachel out. She was immature as hell, but she was a sophomore which gave her a leg up in our new student world. Now when I say she was immature, it wasn't like she was a crybaby or something, she just had this brutal sense of humor. Mom jokes were her favorite. You could be sitting in the study room talking to your friend about football and she'd come in and say "Your mom likes to play with balls!" or you could say "I'm really hungry, let's go eat," and he'd say "I already ate with your mom. Or did I eat out your mom?" It was stupid and gross, but because it was a girl saying it, it was edgy and it got to be infectious. Somehow people started to look forward to her pearls of mom-humor.
I think I made the mistake of telling her to knock off the mom jokes, because I became often the target of her hilarity. Maybe a week into school we were all drinking at a party down the hall, and she launches into some dumb-ass mom joke, and I tell her it's stupid.
"Your mom tells me you're stupid," and the place erupted.
"You know what I mean," I said.
"Your mom knows what you mean, Nerd," it didn't even really make sense to me, but everybody had a couple beers in them and she's just the funniest girl in their eyes. She enjoyed playing the queen of the floor.
The comment bothered me, a lot. I knew it shouldn't, but I had an inferiority complex a mile wide and an inch deep left over from high school. The fact was, I had been kind of a nerd, not in some horrible bullied way, but I didn't really hang with the cool kids. I had tagged along with a couple of my older brother's friends and that was the only way I ever communicated with girls. I just didn't fit in.
"Shut up," I said, probably a little too loudly.
"Yo nerd, that's what I told your mom," and again everybody howled with laughter. I bit my tongue and took my lumps, I knew it would only get worse.
The aftermath was she often used me as her rhetorical punching bag. Now the weird part was, it wasn't like she didn't like me. She'd knock on my door to see if I wanted to go to the cafeteria or check out a party. We were friends, but she established this sort of social dominance over me.
I took a swimming class during the second semester, and there was a girl I knew who lived on the floor above us who was also in my class. She was the daughter of one of our assistant coaches on the football team and she was a real looker. I'm chatting with my classroom buddies in the shallow end, trying to get acclimated to the water and she says, "I know somebody who likes you!"
Surprised I looked at the other guys, surely it couldn't be me, but when I looked at her she told me that one of her roommates, Holly, wanted to go out with me.
Honestly, this was one of the greatest feelings in my life up to that point, and I'll never forget it. I knew which roommate she was talking about and I was stoked to actually be set up to go out with her.
That night I was incredibly nervous and happy. I admit maybe I overdid it a little bit when I got dressed. I wanted to make a good impression, and maybe I looked a little too preppy, but as I go down the hallway I pass Rachel coming the other way, and she's like "Nerd, why you dressed like a mama's boy?"
I immediately regretted my choice of clothes, "Shut up, I have a date," I said smugly.
"A date with your mom?"
I had to admit I walked right into that, but I left her with a friendly "fuck you," and walked up the stairs to pick up Holly.
Holly and I actually had a pretty good time. Holly wasn't a total fox, but she was pretty good looking by my standards, and I'd already fallen in love with her by the time we came back from a movie at the student union. That's just the type of guy I was, immature in the ways of women, ready to put her on a pedestal because she'd shown an interest in me.
Also, this girl was no shrinking violet. She was very playful and talked about her high school experience which made mine seem bland. She'd had a couple of boyfriends, was interested in music, and enjoyed people watching. I don't know if she was simply covering up for her own insecurities, but that night she loved making fun of other people, and it reminded me a lot of Rachel. She'd make these little voices as she described their problems. She was a comedian, to be honest. Looking back I could see she was a little hipster in the making, but I was simply in awe of her, and I think she sensed it.
We came back late to the dorm, and I was relieved when we got to our room and my roommate was gone. I had the biggest set of blue balls, and was 100% convinced that I was going to make out with her and finally bust my own cherry, in a manner of speaking.
I put on some music, turned down the lights and we made out on my bed. We made out for maybe ten minutes before she goes "Are you going to go down my pants or what?" and I clumsily unzip her and cop a feel of her sweet, sweet pussy. I stuck my finger down between her legs, under her panties, and I gently poke between her slit and she moans, squeezing her legs together. I don't stop, and her breathing is heavy, almost like it's going through a filter or something because it had bass, I'm not sure if that makes sense.
My own heart is pumping and she reaches down and unzips me and says "do you have a condom?"
Fuck. No I did not. I don't know what I was thinking, other than I'd never been laid before and it had never been an issue. I told her I'd go to the vending machine and get one, and pulled back up my pants. She asked to use my laptop and I showed it to her and left. I must have looked hilarious in the elevator, sniffing my finger out of pure curiosity, the ultimate virgin.
I dashed from the elevator and picked up the condoms. It was weird buying them with other students just standing around me, but I puffed out my chest like this was just another night for a stud like me, and dashed back to the elevator. It seemed to be the longest elevator ride I'd ever had in that dorm. It took forever to get back up. When I reached my floor, I noticed something weird, my door was open.
Rachel was in the room talking with Holly. Somehow she saw me going or something and decided to chat with Holly, who I knew she'd met before. I really wanted her to leave. I enter the room and Rachel goes, "Nerd, you'll never guess what I found your girlfriend doing on your computer!"
"Girlfriend?" Holly answered defensively, which sort of hurt me, but it wasn't like we'd really known each other before today.
"What?" I answered, truthfully having no idea.
"Have you ever taken a Purity test?" Holly asked.
Oh shit. Yeah, sure I'd taken them. They were basically quizzes regarding a person's social and sex life, and based on the answered you'd calculate a score. The more "No's" a person had, they were rated "pure", the more "Yes's" a person had, they were a "slut" or "evil" or whatever that particular test wanted them to be. I'd never taken one with other people though, and certainly not with a girl who I was hoping to have sex with very soon, and certainly not with the Mom Joke Queen. "Yeah," I answered.
"You two want to take it?" Holly asked, clearly delighted.
"Sure!" Rachel answered.
Holly was a natural leader. She had us get out some notebook paper, and she read the questions to us, all three of us writing down our answers.
To be honest, even the mundane questions I had trouble with. Ever been picked up? I counted this night as a yes. Ever been on a date? Kissed on the first date? Lucky for me, this night had occurred. Yes. There were a ton of questions about sex, drugs and generally immoral behavior. I was mostly no, but answering the questions in the presence of these girls aroused me greatly.
