Off Campus 04

It was a normal day around The Abercrombie, if you want to call the morning after the nuptials between Ally, Amber and Steve "normal". Everyone normally on campus is hanging out in the café enjoying a slightly late lunch. At breakfast, Jessica had organized a creative and very cute practical joke with the ladies in a display of mutual love for Steven. Somebody, however, caught the action, posted the clip on social media, which immediately "went viral" in that it outed our little harem.

The rest of the day was... you'll see.

=====

Ally is looking at her TikiePix app, discovering that this morning's little prank staged by Jess and the girls has gone viral.

"Here! Look at all the hearts! For Steve, for all the girls! Mygawd, if we weren't a destination before, we are certainly one now!"

One of the ladies from the front desk sticks her head through the passageway door, panicking, "Mr. Albertson! Ms. Abercrombie! The phones! They're going crazy! Questions about some social media video!"

"Okay, everybody," I spring into "fireman" mode. "Given that reaction there will be TV crews at our front door any minute fishing for the prurient angle. Ally, we have a PR firm, right? I've left that up to you."

"Not really. An advertising agent, but nothing in real PR or media management. Up until this we've been a sleepy small town, old world hotel."

Cheyenne interrupts, "Well, crap. That was fast. We're in the big leagues now. Let me make some contacts right away. I'll be the face to the media. It's a little problem because they're going to grill me about the crotch grab. I'll deal with it."

"Okay," I confirm. "Cheyenne, what do we do about media contacts until we have a real media firm online?"

"Give them my office number. Your folks don't have the experience or training to handle media. They

cannot

talk to the media! They are

not

our friends!"

"Go, Cheyenne! I'll take it from here. Everybody is going to have to watch our Ps and Qs in the public spaces now. The 'fuck table' is suspended until further notice. There will be phones at the ready to catch us 'in the act'. Phil, call Mac right away and get those sidelights covered in our hallway entrance. Also, you and Mac check the locks and security doors for weaknesses. Anti-jimmy plates for the emergency doors, too. I know they're a problem. We're going to have to turn the cameras back on in the elevators, as much as I hate the idea."

My old crisis management skills are coming to the fore as I continue to bark orders, "Ally, you tell security what's happening, that they need to secure the bar and café doors, and the side entrances. You and I have to address the staff, so put the word out for a 2:30 all-staff meeting in the banquet room. Stand-up meeting, it will be short. Also, can you get HR to start recruiting the part-timers for temporary full-time status? This is an all-hands-on-deck situation. The phones are already ringing off the hook, so get help on the front desk right away! They need to know what blew up, so I will get up there pronto. I'll have Gail help with phones."

I have more, "Phil, after you get Mac started you need to call the website people. I suspect the reservation front-end load is already ten times the bandwidth we contracted for. Do whatever and commit money to whatever they suggest will handle the traffic. I don't want the site going down. Not now!"

Yet more, "Jessica, unplug the café phones for the time being. Public and press will try your phones after getting a constant busy signal for the front desk. I'll tell Elliott what's happening, and unplug his phones, too. Use your personal cells for outgoing calls."

"Screw lunch! Everybody go! Sorry, Jess!"

"I understand, Steven. You're protecting

everybody

! It's what you do! Go!"

I run to the passageway and the lobby.

"Don't answer the phones!" I shout. "We've gone viral! Do NOT talk to anybody who identifies themselves as a TV reporter, Internet reporter or blogger, or anybody else from the news media! They are not our friends! I'll be back. With help!"

I dash into the bar, bashing my shoulder in the passageway. Ouch!

"Elliott, hang up the phone!"

"What's happening, Mr. Albertson? This is crazy!"

"Please, call me 'Steve' for the time being. The hotel has gone viral. Beyond our wildest dreams. We are being hounded by the press. Can you unplug the phones, or do you need me or Mac to do that?"

"Have it covered, chief! Why?"

"You're getting the overflow when they can't get through to the front desk. Media is bad news when they think they have a sexy story and can cluck their tongues at us."

"Well ain't that a kick! Go! I have your back!"

"Thanks, El! And keep the cameras out! Security is on their way!" as I duck out the passageway. I run up the stairs to my office.

"Steven! What's happening? What exploded?" Gail is on the edge of sheer panic.

"Social media went viral about us. 'Sexiest hotel in Kansas' or something like that. I'm an Internet celebrity. That's what we were after, but not like this! Has our direct office line been affected?"

"No."

"Good. That will be our lifeline to the outside world. Front desk calls are overflowing to the bar and café. I cut those off. I need your help with the front desk. Rule #1 is 'Don't talk to the media, they are not our friends." Things are in the works to route things to Cheyenne for media contacts, but they're not in place yet."

"Okay, Steven. On my way down!"

"I'll be there in a moment."

I call Cheyenne on her cell.

"Hey. You okay?" she answers.

"Not really. I've all but shut off the phones over here. About to address the troops. You ready to take calls?"

"Everyone not in court is standing by."

"Good. In about five minutes the fire hose will be pointed at you. Steel yourself."

"Ready! I love you, Steven!"

"Me too, sweetie! We'll get through this!"

I run down the stairs to the lobby. Fuck the elevators.

"Everyone!" I holler over the phone noises. "Write down this number. Three one four, one five nine, two six five four. Got it? Everyone? Again, three one four, one five nine, two six five four. When you answer a call from anybody who identifies as news media like TV stations, Internet reporter or blogger, newspaper, or even

sounds

like they're looking for story material or asks even the most innocent question NOT related to booking a room, tell them to call that number. You

cannot

let yourself be buffaloed into answering questions, they know how to pry. Just give them the number and hang up. Above all,

the news media are NOT our friends!

They are after a story, and they can cause us a whole bunch of damage, both to the business, and personally. If they approach the door, let them know in no uncertain terms they are not to enter, and to call that number for media contacts."

"Don?" I address the bell captain.

"Yes, sir!"

"You and your staff are our line of defense against the media, especially. Have everyone outside to prevent entry when they show up. Security will have the side entrances covered. Be polite and professional as you always are, but give them that number, emphasizing that legitimate press will be granted interviews coordinated through that contact. There may be a press conference handled by Ms. Morris, but she will be the one to determine that. You and we need to guard against ambush reporting. You know where the property line is? Where the city sidewalk ends and our concrete begins?"

"Yes, sir."

"They have a right to be on public streets. They do not have a right to be on hotel property if we deny them access."

"Also, I have to hide. My face is all over that viral video. I am getting my fifteen minutes of fame, and a lot of close-minded folks are not going to take to it kindly."

"'Superstud', sir?"

Everyone laughs, including me.

"And don't you forget it!" I jest.

More laughter.

"Enough of you here know what we are about, so protect my ladies above all else. They are going to be stalked. Anybody you don't know or can't show a key card is not allowed in the guestroom areas. Period. Ms. Abercrombie will be cancelling all banquet room and conference room events until further notice. Safety and security for all of us is number one! Everybody got it?"

"Yes, sir!"

"Okay, I'm going to repeat most of this at the 2:30 session in the banquet hall. I'd like everybody not already in defensive positions like phone and doors to join us. I'm looking to all of you to help us with gaps in the battle plan, so the more heads, the more ideas and especially solutions we can share. Thank you so much for your help and devotion, and I'll see some of you upstairs."

I run upstairs to our offices. My phone vibrates. Text from Cheyenne.

"Insane! Press conf?"

"Your call!"

"Luck with PR?"

"Yes. Gave them your cell."

"Thanks!"

I need to summon the brain trust.

"Ally? Phil? Huddle!"

"Where are we?" I ask.

"Full staff assembling in 10 minutes," Ally reports. "You cover lobby staff already?"

"Yes. Instructed to give Cheyenne's number to media. Already working, she and her folks are swamped. You brief security?"

"Yes. Side doors are now "no entry". They've turned off the guest card option. They're coordinating with Don on guarding the front."

"Where are the girls?"

Phil confirms, "Barricaded in my and Jen's suite. Cyan, Jen, Jess and Amber."

"Oh, good. Thank you. I was concerned about Jess trying to hold down the fort in the café. Are they okay?"

"Frightened, naturally. Security is guarding the café and bar. Phyllis was available and is running the business. Web people are set. Something about 'scalability'? They're saying the bandwidth hit is high, but not too much at this point. Mostly front page views."

"Yes. Good. We paid a little extra for the scaling thing. Cheap insurance. Hey... idea. Call the phone company and see if you can get them to forward the main number to Cheyenne's office until the crisis is over. Her folks can give clients one of the rotation numbers to call the desk."

"On it!"

"Let's go, Steven," Ally directs. "They're waiting for us."

We make our way to the banquet hall at the far other end of our offices floor. We step in and the milling and murmuring abate.

"Superstud, Mr. Albertson?" mumbles a voice from the middle of the pack.

Muffled giggles and chuckles.

"Yes. I'm having T-shirts made. 'The Abercrombie Hotel. Home of Superstud.'"

Obvious permission for full-out laughter.

"Thanks, everyone. Once we get past the press nonsense we'll be able to joke about it. Ally, T-shirts aren't a bad idea."

"Really?"

More laughter.

"Everybody, you all obviously know what happened by now. We went viral on social media, totally by accident, an unintended consequence of somebody recording a really great prank on their phone. You all know, as well, that we're trying to save the hotel by emphasizing its old-world charm and romance. The romance part turned sexy is what has caused all the ruckus. We have to batten the hatches. So..."

Ally takes over, "We have a news media problem. You recall our meetings several weeks ago about "discretion", right? That it was going to be more important than ever seeing that we were going to cater to lovers of all stripes, providing a secure, high-quality and romantic setting for their affairs, in all senses of the word. Steven?"

"The news media is going to do everything possible, everything in their bag of dirty tricks, to stumble you into breaking discretion. At the moment they are interested in my extended family."

Murmurs and whispers.

"Yes, that's right. I know that most of you know, and that's the problem. I depend on your discretion for their safety. The press will stalk the employee doors, follow you to your cars, harass you from the sidewalk, video you from down the block, hide a smartphone to record your private conversations, everything they can to get 'the scoop' on the 'dirty, immoral business' at 'The sexiest hotel in Kansas'. That was the last social media headline I saw."

Ally continues, "On the plus side, having a reputation for surrounding ourselves with genuine loving and caring no matter the nature of the relationship or relationships does wonders for setting the tone. Gail said it well earlier today, 'The Abercrombie Hotel. Find your unrestrained joy.' Steve?"

"So the bottom line is

do not talk to the media! At all!

They will hound you incessantly if they think they have a story and can break you. About us, or about something with our guests. Or about you! So zip that lip! Best thing you can do is say nothing to them. You've seen the TV news. An ambush reporter has nothing if he or she can't get their victim to talk, and they will force it by sticking that big camera in their face, six inches away. That's called intimidation, and even speaking to ask them to put the camera down will make the news. You would not believe -- or you might -- how much garbage they can make up around a request to leave you alone. So just don't speak. After five or ten minutes nearly all of them will give up and go away. The bad ones will surprise you and try two or three more times. Same trick works. I know it's gonna be hard, but stay silent. Questions?"

"Mr. Albertson? Are you and Ms. Abercrombie an item?"

I chuckle, "You already know the answer to that."

"What about your wife?"

"She loves me and supports me with all her being. I love her in the same way."

"How's that possible?"

"Genuine love has no preset limits."

"Your girlfriends are

hot

, Mr. Albertson. You too, Ms. Abercrombie."

Laughter as Ally tries to hide behind me.

"Thanks, Jeremy. Look for a little something extra in your pay envelope."

Big laughs.

"Just kidding. But, seriously, thanks."

"What did you do to Jessica, Mr. Albertson? She's a lot different than she was a year ago."

"Taught her about love and trust. Especially trust. Thank you, Angie, for noticing. She was a special project for Ally and myself. Questions about the media?"

"It is just TV? What about Internet? And newspapers?"

"All of them, but TV is by far the worst. It's called 'gotcha!' reporting. Internet streamers, to a degree. Don't talk to them, either. Social media is so much garbage... sorry, but you kids know I was a computer nerd, don't you? I have no respect for sosh, and sosh doesn't have much respect for me. Or you. I didn't know the Z guy directly, but I knew guys who did. Let's just say my opinion of him and what he created is not positive. You can and should ignore folks wanting your rumors and stuff, but they'll make up crap about you anyway. Newspapers don't have the resources these days to go after anything that's not on the wire services."

"Are you and Ms. Morris going to address the media directly?"

"Ms. Morris is taking the lead on this. Last I talked with her -- just a few minutes ago -- she was recommending a press conference. Due to a handful of online threats I am going to stay out of the public eye until this blows over. I'm not a politician, so I have to take threats like that seriously. There are some dangerous people out there."

"Thanks, everybody. I appreciate all of you being here, and I am so sorry that something truly fun and loving has upset our lives. Do your best like I know you will, and make sure that all of us stay safe by guarding against the intruders, the press included. Again, thanks."

Polite applause. A handful gathers around to ask questions and make comments. Ally handles most; I butt in where I have to. One of them asks about Cheyenne's crotch grab, I try to deflect that with describing our professional relationship as "a bit interesting" and that we were friends who liked to tease each other a lot. They weren't convinced. I wouldn't be, either. Her fire for me was way too clear in the clip.

Ally and I return to our offices for a status report from Phil.

"Meeting went well," I offer. "What's new?"

Phil reports, "Phone company already forwarded the number. They understood the emergency nature. TV press is starting to show up out in front. Reporters are not happy with the stonewalling."

"Fuck 'em. They know what the arrangement is, and their aggressive end-runs are going to be rebuffed. I don't hate the TV news idiots for no reason."

"Double negative, Steve?" Ally cocks her head at me.

"(...sigh...) Sorry. They piss me off. I've been on camera in an interview situation maybe half a dozen times, and every single time my words were twisted in editing, or the on-air lead-in changed the context to something different from the interview. Deceptive, sneaky bastards. All of them. I have to let pros like Cheyenne take the heat, 'cause I'll crumble. Anyway..."

"Other than the cameras, with the phones transferred things have calmed down enormously," Phil assures.

"Well, that's good. I'm beat. I need something to eat. You guys do, too. How is Gail faring?"

"Less deer-in-headlights, more supervisory. She's holding down the fort pretty well downstairs."

"Thanks, Phil. You know, you and Jen are the only ones of us who are "safe" to wander the premises. You were off-frame in the video."

My cell interrupts. Ohgawd, it's Hannah's burner! This scares me!

"

Are you okay?!

" I answer.

"(Hannah?") Ally whispers. I nod.

"Yeah. I'm fine. But you're not. 'Superstud'? Just saw it on the national news."

"Oh gawd. Be thankful you're not here."

"I see what you mean about Jess's prank. Hilarious. So endearing. So...

you!

"

"Thanks, sweetie. We're in lockdown. The entire staff knows about us now. I had to play the 'discretion' card. Speaking of which, keep a low profile. Don't forget you're one of my 'pretty ladies', too. If

anybody

puts two-and-two together while you're there, you are toast. Deny knowing anything about the hotel, other than it's in your hometown if they make the connection. Clear on that?"

"Yes sir! Oh, gawd, Steven. It must be awful there. The panic and worry in your voice is palpable."

"I'll make it. One exception to talking to somebody -- find the counselor you trust the most. They are discretion professionals of the highest order. Let her know that only for your being at their clinic this morning that you would have been one of the pretty girls in that video. Once she gets over the shock she will pull out the stops and redouble your protection. You're celebrity-adjacent now."

"Okay. I'll do that."

"Since I've got you, what was the spin on the news?"

"You're a folk hero. Every man's, every woman's example of ideal lover."

"Gosh."

"I agree, sweetie. You are. I'll let you go. Be strong, so right back atcha!"

"Thanks. I love you, girlie. Be extra-careful."

"Love you, too. I will. 'Bye. I miss you."

"Me too. 'Bye."

Back with Ally and Phil, "We need to turn on the TV. Hannah said the spin at the moment is 'folk hero'. We're on the national news."

Phil muses, "Who was it that said there's no such thing as bad publicity?"

"Yeah," I respond. "P.T. Barnum. Supposedly. But that was before the Internet and the right-wing nutcases got a foothold. I will say he knew something about circuses, 'cause we sure have one out front now," as I peek out my office window.

"Hey! We're on! That's the hotel!" Ally shouts as the coverage from a Kansas City station flashes on the screen.

"We're coming to you live from Ottawa, in front of the classic Abercrombie Hotel. Social media went viral earlier today with this clip evidently from the hotel café showing five rather attractive young women showering unrestrained affections on the middle-aged gentleman seen here, their actions and body language clearly indicating an intimate connection with each."

They zoom the view into Cheyenne's crotch grab. Ally and Phil are hysterical, doubled over in laughter.