Our Method Works!
It really was a unique way to stop smoking.
Marilyn Bowers was 39 years old, and her doctor had just scared the hell out of her. She always knew she should stop smoking. Even when she started smoking in college, she knew she should not have done it. But now, her physician had put it in the kind of terms she could no longer ignore. She had all the genetic factors to put her in the worst possible risk group, and now he had convinced her in the most graphic language that it was turning her already precancerous skin to ugly old lady face leather, damaging her lungs, and sending her blood pressure into early stroke and pre-senile dementia territory. She had told Dr. Shithead that she had tried everything under the sun and could not stop. Now that she was divorced from her chain smoking and philandering husband it should have been easier, but somehow it wasn't. Her girlfriends told her that the competition for straight men out there in the world was fierce, and only about 15% of the decent ones smoked. The other 85% would not even consider being with a woman who did.
Dr. Shithead finally heard her desperation, and told her about a new experimental clinic that he had seen work where other methods failed. It was hideously expensive, for women only, and required visits to the clinic three times a day for the first three weeks of the program. He made her sign a huge long legal release before he even gave her the number to call. She carried the card in her purse for a week, and then saw a story on TV about a 40 year old woman that had to have her vocal cords removed due to cancer. So she got out the card and decided to call first thing in the morning.
She was so anxious and knew that she couldn't even wait until 8 AM, which she assumed was the earliest a doctor's office would be open. But instead of lighting her morning cigarette, she called the number at 6:45 AM and was surprised to get an immediate answer. And not a machine, but a sincere sounding woman with a British accent who told her to come over immediately before she lit up! The clinic was in a very generic looking stand alone office building with a parking garage underneath. She noticed lots of spots marked 'reserved for #XYZ', and avoided these, parking in one of the 'visitor' spots near the elevator that was marked "visitors'. The office was laid out like a large psychotherapist's office, such that arriving patients almost never saw departing ones. She was greeted by a receptionist who somehow seemed to recognize her and addressed her as 'Ms. Bowers' and showed her into a nicely appointed office.
A very attractive woman soon entered. She was very dark skinned, dark haired, and looked like the female lead in a 'Bollywood' medical movie. She wore a starched white lab coat over an expensive silk blouse and slacks. Her manner was all business as she introduced herself in a British accent "Good morning, Ms. Bowers. I'm Dr. Ramananthran. My parents were from Bangalore, India but I was born in Britain and am now a US citizen. I have an MD from Duke Medical School and a PhD in neuropsychiatry from UCLA. I'll get right to the point. Dr. Shithead has briefed me on your situation. You meet all the qualifications for our program. But I must tell you that the lowest medical risk way to quit smoking is simply to stop cold turkey using willpower. That has the least side effects and potential complications. Unfortunately, it also has the lowest expected probability of success. Our program is radical, unusual, and very counterintuitive. It has a higher risk of medical and psychological complications than going cold turkey. But it has a much higher chance of success, and it has significantly lower medical risk than you undertake by continuing to smoke. Are you truly desperate to quit? Are you ready to commit to a very radical course of therapy for one year, and an especially intensive and unusual one for the first three weeks?"
Marilyn did not hesitate. "Yes. I have tried all the other methods, and this is all that is left for me. I am terrified of what will happen if I keep smoking!"
Dr. Ramananthran smiled. "Very well. The program costs $50,000, but you must give us an upfront deposit of $100,000. If you complete the first three weeks of the program and remain in compliance with our protocols, which we will confirm with blood tests, we will refund $25,000. If you complete the rest of the first year and remain in compliance, we will refund another $25,000. You will also sign an ironclad nondisclosure agreement that prevents you from talking about our program to anyone in any way without prior approval in writing from our law firm. You will agree to pay further liquidating damages of $250,000 to us if that agreement is breached. Are you ready to proceed on that basis?"
Marilyn was shocked. What in the world was this woman going to do to her? "What are the risks of your method?"
"There is a slight chance of contracting infections from other patients in our study. We have done everything medically possible to reduce that risk, and none of our patients have actually even been infected, but the risk it is not zero. Also, some patients find it psychologically difficult to initiate and complete everything that is required by our protocol, especially in the first three weeks. But most have no problem and soon enjoy it. I should tell you that I not only developed our method and studied its effectiveness, but I underwent the treatment myself, I have not had another cigarette in the 6 years since those initial trials, and I have enjoyed my daily life much, much more since then."
Marilyn was ready to commit, but she was still curious. "Why are all of your patients women?"
Dr. Ramananthran smiled again. "Actually, we have many more male patients than female. But only the women are here to stop smoking. The male patients must be lifetime non-smokers or we could not use them for our research studies. That is all I can tell you until you have signed our documents."
Marilyn said she would go forward, and signed a sheaf of documents that were on the desk, and wrote out the $100,000 check from the funds she received in the divorce settlement. She should be maximally motivated to make this program work, because she had to have that $50,000 back! "What do I do now?" she asked.
Dr. Ramananthran looked pleased. "Let me go through the theory of how our method works, and then talk to you about how we implement it for the first three weeks. I am assuming that you want to start your treatment today?"