This is chapter 4 of the story "Our Song". While I encourage the readers to go and read chapters 1 through 3, here is a short recap for those of you who choose not to.
Owen, the narrator in this story, met Song, a young doctor with a healthy sexual appetite, and the two clicked right away, both sexually and emotionally. After two months together, Song told Owen she was bisexual, and that she was missing having sex with women. She suggested they tried finding a woman online, one who would wish to have sex with both of them.
They found Nathalie. She was very sexy and liked them very much. They spent a beautiful evening together, playing "truth or dare" and having sex, all three of them. Before saying goodbye, the three decided to meet again three days later.
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Nathalie stood us up, and did not show up for our date. Song and I tried to reach her on the phone and on WhatsApp, but she didn't answer our texts, and our calls went directly to voice mail. The following day I got a short message from her on WhatsApp:
"Hi Owen, I'm sorry, but I can't see you guys anymore. Hope you're not mad."
I showed Song this message, and she became furious.
"She practically told us she loved us, and suddenly she doesn't want to be with us anymore," Song said.
I tried to find legitimate excuses for Nathalie, but Song dismissed them all.
"It's hard to be in such a situation," I said. "We are a couple. We love each other. She's an outsider, and can't compete with us," I tried to explain.
"It's not a competition," Song replied. "We're all on the same team."
"Maybe it was for her. Maybe she fell in love with you, and didn't want to compete with me?" I tried. "I saw how she kissed you. That was not lust. That was deep emotion."
"You're just guessing. We don't know what her reasons were, but she did it in a very nasty way. Why didn't she call? Or at least text the two of us?"
"I guess she knew she'd hurt you, and didn't want to face you."
On the following weeks, Song was not herself. The evenings we spent together became routine and boring. The sex at the beginning of each evening became mechanical, with very little hugging and kissing, and very little eye contact. She needed me inside her, like an addict needing her drug. Our dinners too became boring and routine, followed by watching a series on Netflix in silence. Then we would undress and get to bed, but Song would turn off the light and turn away from me.
I tried to ask her on multiple occasions what bothered her β was she still not over Nathalie? Was it me? All she said was it was something she was going through, and she'd get over it. I just had to be patient.
One day, about three weeks after our one date with Nathalie, as Song and I were in bed together with the lights off, I heard Song crying. So far I have seen her in different emotional states β I've seen her happy, sad, aroused, angry. I've seen tears of joy in her eyes after we made love, or after Nathalie gave her that wonderful orgasm. I've seen tears of sadness or remorse when she was talking about Jessica and how she had hurt her. But never in our three months together have I heard her cry.
I rolled over to her direction and caressed her on her shoulder and arm.
"I love you," I told her. "You know that, right?"
"I know," she answered in tears.
"And you know you can tell me anything, right?"
She rolled over to face me. I couldn't see her face, but I felt her breath.
"You are the love of my life," she told me. "No one was ever as good to me as you are."
"And I will continue to be here for you for as long as you want me to."
She kissed me softly on the lips. As her face touched mine I felt her tears and tasted their salinity.
"You won't," she said. "Not always. Not after I'll break your heart."
My heart was pounding. I started to understand what she meant, but she went on.
"You have a big heart, and I know you love me with all of it. But there are things even you and your big heart and your big love can't fix."
"Like what?"
"Like me. For any other girl, you are a dream come true. Your'e smart, generous, caring, sexy..."
"I have been with other women, they always found flaws," I said.
"They were all morons. You're pure gold. And I love you so much. But I'm broken, because for stupid, stupid me, you're not enough."
"I'm not enough because I am not a woman?" I tried to make sure I understood.
"You're not enough because you're not a man and a woman at the same time," she corrected me. "I told you, I'm broken beyond repair."
Her voice was drowning in tears as she said this last sentence. I kissed her.
"I know I cannot be everything you need. But I am willing to support you as you search for happiness."
"I knew you'd say that," she said, and caressed my cheek, "but you know, love is not always as advertised. In the movies, people sometimes do this one heroic gesture of great sacrifice for the other person, and win their hearts forever. In real life, love is made of small sacrifices people made every day for one another."
"I don't follow," I said.
"You are willing to let me do what my heart tells me to right?"
"Sure."
"So, if my heart tells me to start going to gay clubs, and fuck another woman every night, how would you feel? Or if I will fall in love with a woman who will love me back, but not you, how would THAT make you feel? If I do this to you, I'll be breaking your heart one piece at a time. One night at a time."
I thought about what she described. Because she was working shifts, I was very much used to her not being in my bed every night. But even on these nights we weren't together, we were together in our minds. We chatted on WhatsApp, teasing each other, arousing each other. Even on those nights, we would make love in our minds. If she were to look for the missing piece with other women, that part of her life would be concealed from me. I would not have access to this part of her life. And I knew that would kill me slowly.
"And if I don't," she continued, "I'll be killing myself piece by piece. And I'm willing to sacrifice this for you, but I'm afraid it will make me a bitter person, and that will make me bad to you."
"You are right," I said, caressing her face, "but I believe in you. And I believe in our love. I believe that if we remain open and honest with each other, we can figure it out together."
"I love your optimism," she said, "I love you..."
We kissed passionately, and hugged for a while in silence, as each of us was ruminating, trying to figure our how to solve this problem. After a few minutes of silence she said:
"Owen, tonight I don't want to fuck you."
"That's OK, song", I said, understanding she wasn't in the mood, but she went on:
"Tonight I want to make love to you."
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