It was hard to concentrate at work. Not only had I Stephen to worry about, but now Tom. I didn't want him at my house tonight. I didn't want him to be there when Stephen got home. I didn't want him there at all.
The consequences of my actions were raging within me. If Stephen left me, I would want to die...and it would be all my fault...and I couldn't even blame him. I had ruined us. This was not gonna be an easy fix...this was like a blood stain.
I did regret not calling out, but I needed to be away from the house. I barely got anything done, silently sobbing through half a box of tissues, and trying to hide the tears from my co-workers...and around lunch time, I requested leave. I couldn't work, and I definitely couldn't eat. I just needed to be alone. I needed to think. Tomorrow, Stephen would be home...I just hoped he would understand what happened.
To make matters worse, I thought of him with that secretary. Would that make things easier, or harder? It would be a double burn...but we could heal together...or grow apart. I was just the same as everyone else now...and if Stephen hadn't done anything, it would be much worse. I would be the slut wife...the adulteress. How could he still love me after this? I could barely see through my tears, and I was glad to pull into the driveway. I just sat there for a long time.
I worried about Tom being inside. Surely he would be gone with Mike by now, I hoped. I took a deep breath. It was my house. If he was there, I would tell him to leave. If he wouldn't...I would...whatever it took. I was so sick to my stomach, it was like...nothing I'd ever experienced in my whole life.
I had never really done anything I wasn't supposed to, I never had the desire to. I was the good one, and I liked it that way...for the most part. That of course, made my mind a dangerous playground...but it suited me. It suited me very well. I wouldn't even have that now, not for a long time. I know I would get sick to my stomach if I thought of anything remotely like I had done.
I honestly didn't know how people did it. I mean...the stress of a secret. The betrayal of a loved one...but maybe that was the key to this...perhaps they didn't truly love their spouses...oh, how the hell should I know...
What I did know, was that I was broken... and I would have to break Stephens heart and tell him...no matter the outcome.
The answering machine greeted me with a blinking number two. I hoped for Stephen, but no, it was Tom. "Hey babe, I've got a little surprise for ya. I'll be there around ten-ish, but I'm not promisin' anythin." He laughed at himself. "Now, don't worry about what I've got for ya, you're gonna love it. Seriously. It will help get us both off...not in a sexual way...well...well nothin' more about it then. See ya soon."
What the hell was that supposed to mean? I was just a tad bit worried. I would have to call and tell him to just stay where he was.
Then the second message rolled on. Stephen. "Hello Ter. I...You're probably still at work. I'm comin' home a bit earlier then scheduled. My choice." He sounded a bit flustered. There was a pause, followed by a sigh. My stomach was knotted up and fluttering. "Umm....nothin' to worry about, still have my job and all. They graciously gave me leave. Told 'em I was feelin' a bit under the weather, which isn't all a lie. I don't want to worry ya over the phone. Really not anythin' to worry about. We'll talk when I get home. Not sure what time. Probably not before you. I'm thinkin' nine-ish, maybe ten. I know that's a big range, but I'm not sure with traffic and all...I'll be with ya soon."
Wow. I was a bit panicked at this point. I erased the machine to get rid of Tom's call, and dialed back his number. I needed to stop him from coming. No answer. Damn him! I had to leave a message, and hopefully he would hear the urgency in my voice. I doubt he would purposefully come knowing Stephen was on his way, and I no longer wanted him here. But with Tom, who knows.
Within an hours time I left two more messages, and still no answer.
I didn't know what to do with myself. I paced a bit, and then sat watching the clock. I felt like I'd be sick at any moment. Would have been better off to stay at work. My whole body was hot with nausea. I feared what Stephen would say and do. I was scared he would just walk out, and not say anything at all. That would be the worst.
Then, finally...it passed 9pm. Having no call back from Tom, I was extremely worried he'd show up. Especially since I had no idea what this surprise would be. I hoped he had enough sense to stay away.
I had started to doze, and almost jumped from my skin when I saw lights in the driveway, then heard a car door. My heart raced. I was really hoping it was Stephen. This had been the longest week of my life, and I just wanted to hold him, but I'm not sure he'd even want me with what I had to say.
The door slowly opened in the dark that I was sitting in, but I knew it was him. I rose to his side, and there was a silence before he gripped me in his arms so tightly. This reaction shocked me...and I hugged back just as hard. "I'm so happy to see you." I whispered in his ear. I was a bit choked up, but I wasn't sure he would really take notice. He still hadn't said a word, and that worried me. I could feel hot tears against my neck as he kissed me, sniffling back his emotions. This worried me more, it was not like him.
"We have to talk about something." He whispered back. I had a feeling I knew. If it was what I thought, it was more a relief then anything. My confession would be a lot easier to give.
"You can tell me anything...and I have something to tell you as well." He let out a sigh and led me to the couch, flipping on the light before he sat. I could see his face was filled with exhaustion, not sure if it was about his news, or mine. Most likely both. I could tell he was aware of what happened, as this wasn't our normal type of greeting.
"I've been sick all week about this. It didn't change things happenin' though, did it. I should'a come home much earlier... I just....I can't. I want ya to know this has never been an issue for me before, but things felt different this time. I was more then a bit stressed with your call about Tom. I know I said I was fine, but I really wasn't. I should'a told ya to make him leave..." I interrupted...
"I think I know what you're going to say. I...." He stopped me.
"Let me finish. I have to tell ya what I was goin' through. I just want ya to understand." I nodded, my eyes filling with tears. "I started off pretty confident when I left ya. I knew it was gonna be harder with a woman like her around. I was doin' pretty good too. Then I heard Tom was here with ya. I didn't want to freak out on ya...but I should have. Inside, I was fumin'. I knew I should'a told ya how I was feelin'. Then none of this would'a happened, at least I hope not. And I knew, with me not bein' here... he'd get ya to bed with him, I just knew it. I thought though, that ya were stronger then that. I...oh, I don't know. I feel like it's my fault." He paused a moment to weigh out his words. "I...well. I was partly glad, 'cause it would give me an excuse to do the same. I know that sounds terrible." His eyes filled, and I took him in a hug. "I know it's gonna be hard belivin' me after all that...but I swear I didn't do anythin' with her. I almost did though. When the time came to actually do it...I just walked away. When I looked at her, I saw your sad face, and I couldn't do it. I couldn't imagine doin' that to ya, and yet...I should'a stressed that I wanted him gone."
I tensed at this news. I...well, I guess I believed him...I was a promiscuous wife regardless, and I cried harder.
"I know ya had sex with Tom. I didn't want to believe it, but...I knew. I'm so sorry." I held tightly to him, I wanted him to know I believed him, even if part of me was unsure. I had really done it, and he knew... so it would be no different if he had. It didn't even matter.
"We can work past this, can't we?" I sobbed into him. "I...don't even know why I did it. I swear...I..." He let me loose and looked me straight in the eyes.
"Shhh...listen now. I was angry, much more then angry...I was. I wanted to...It's just lucky I was away...gave me time to cool off, and think...but then fester with guilt and anger. Though, it probably wouldn't have happened otherwise, right? The prick..."
"No, never....never, I swear. He did this on purpose you know."
"Believe me, I do. Ya have no idea. He wasn't meant to be here 'till next week...we talked about it...he's been planning something like this for..." He stopped himself.
"What? What do you mean Stephen?"
"If we're gonna make this work, we've got to make a promise to each other." He changed the subject, and with the current situation, I let it pass. "Do you hear me? This is the only way I can get past this. Though, you'd think vows were enough of a promise, wouldn't ya? I'm not sure if I'll...this can never happen again. I can't be away worryin' what you're doin' here. It'll destroy me. I should'a told ya to tell him to get. I'm so sorry." He sighed deeply, and closed his eyes, trying to rub out the tension on his brow.
"No...Stephen. Please...don't do that to yourself. You know it's my fault...you can't seriously blame yourself." I choked back more tears, "I could've been stronger. I know I could have. I am the one who is sorry. You have not one thing to apologize for. I don't deserve you. I would beg for your forgiveness every day if it meant things could go back to how they were." I wiped his downcast face from tears. "I feel like an outsider now...I love you just the same, even more I think...but I'm afraid you will feel differently about me now...and that would kill me." He pulled away...and he didn't quite my fears of that...but how could I honestly expect him to?
"Where's Tom anyway?" I tried not to cry with such a change of subject.
"He had a call this morning from a friend about work, and some girl. He's been gone all day I suppose. I guess he's staying with his friend."
