It was Thursday. She needed to decide if she was ready to hear all that Keegan had to tell her.
She and Rochelle had spoken about it briefly; Rochelle told her she needed to make her own choice. The suggestion was an honest one, but she would've been grateful for some more direction. Some conclusions had been drawn since he'd shown up at her workplace. She needed to come clean with herself if she wanted to make the decision.
The most important fact was that she loved Keegan. She loved him, but she wanted to move on. However, moving on would be nearly impossible with such loose ends still keeping her up at night. Sealing said loose ends would require hearing him explain himself and coming to terms with whatever he had to say. The problem was that she knew her heart would deceive her. She'd fall in love with him all over again, given the opportunity to forgive him for abandoning her. Whatever she chose, would be a loss. Listening to him might help her heal, but it'd also risk a setback. Never getting answers would undoubtedly bother her until she was old enough to forget about this entire situation.
Sabrina grabbed a basket from the grocery store entrance.
She hated going grocery shopping right after work; it was the busiest around that hour. Everyone was rushing around, shoving past one another and trying to get out of the store as quickly as possible. She was definitely no exception.
The aisles were crowded with people in work attire; suits, slacks and scrubs. She excused herself past a younger woman pushing a shopping cart full of children. She gazed at the kids, and then at the mother. The exhaustion etched visibly in her expression was enough to turn a teenager toward celibacy. But when Sabrina looked at the kids—one of them not even a year, her ovaries quivered with anticipation.
Her eyes scanned the pasta boxes, hoping to find the kind she needed for the fettuccini alfredo she'd been craving. She picked one up, looking over it for a second. Her grocery-shopping-uncertainty was not welcomed right now. There was no time to go back in forth over brands, dates and prices. She knew how much she could drag out an expected "quick" store run, but she still couldn't get herself to just throw something in the cart without evaluating it.
She looked between two different pastas on sale until she saw something in the corner of her eye. She looked toward it, trying her hardest not to be obvious.
Two young girls were staring at her. Their mouths were gaping with their brown eyes wide. They were cute twins wearing matching bright yellow jumpsuits that set their honey skin. Sometimes young children were mesmerized by the size of her hair. Although, these girls had curls themselves. Albeit the curls were looser, but curls nonetheless. It was a humid day and her hair was larger than normal so she smiled, hoping to put them at ease. To her astonishment, they kept the same look of awe and even turned to one another to whisper with their eyes still transfixed on her.
The scene was so bizarre; there was no one in the aisle with them. Sabrina looked down the opposite end, expecting their stares to be directed toward someone else—maybe she was just in the same line of vision. But no one else was there. Of all the people in this store, no one else was in this aisle with them. Sabrina tried to brush it off and turned back to her pasta.
She couldn't shake the feeling of being watched.
She looked back to where the girls were standing and was relieved to see they were gone. She huffed, put her pasta into her basket and turned to look for some ice cream. Just as she rounded the corner, she heard someone behind her.
"Bean." The voice put goose bumps all over her body. She stopped in her tracks, looked up at the LED light overhead and sighed audibly.
"Why?" She whispered to herself. Of all the things going on in her life—the things on her mind, God felt it important to introduce a new twist. Sabrina looked toward the fluorescent lights overhead for a moment. She contemplated not even turning around and dumping the basket to sprint out of the store and to her car.
But she was an adult. She was an established, successful and strong woman. She had no reason to run from anyone, and definitely not him. Sabrina turned around carefully, ensuring she had enough time to turn her face of neutrality into a slight scowl.
The girls were flanking both sides of her father and she could finally see little pieces of herself in their profiles. They continued staring at her with those same expressions but now she could finally understand it. They had probably only seen pictures and heard stories of her existence before that moment.
"Sabrina." She corrected lowly. How did he not age? It had been close to 20 years since the last time she'd seen him and he looked a day older than what she remembered. His head was still shaved bald and shining as it always had. His cocoa skin was the same vibrant hue it had always been, just embellished with a few subtle wrinkles. His same large, brown eyes were replicated and placed right on her face. He was always just tall, but he managed to maintain the bulk of his weight that turned him from tall to large.
His stature meant nothing then. He looked as fragile as the baby she'd seen earlier. He was timid, meek and on the verge of tears. Sabrina shifted on her feet and looked fleetingly in another direction.
"I need..." He started a sentence—any sentence to recapture her attention. He didn't want to let this opportunity slip away from him. "We need to talk." Everyone wanted to talk. Everyone had something to say. Everyone felt they were owed a slot of her time to explain their hurtful behavior. Everyone wanted to reopen wounds she had just finally healed up.
"We have nothing to talk about." He opened his mouth to say something else and another voice caught both of their attention.
"Colin, I saw some chicken that—" As if Sabrina could be any more sick to her stomach. His Cuban mistress turned wife had approached from behind. She was embellished in jewels, her largest being her 4 carat Tacori pear shaped wedding ring with diamond band. She was dressed plainly, just like a homeschooling mother living in a three story, 5 bedroom home would.
She took in Sabrina's glare and quickly herded her girls down another aisle. Her father's expression was apologetic. He loved his wife, but he could only imagine how much it hurt Sabrina to see his life without her. No matter how much he thought of her and wanted to be in her life, his actions had shown the opposite.
"We have a lot to talk about. I never got the proper chance to talk to you and now that you are in front of me, I will not let you get away. We need to talk." Colin's eyes were full of conviction that Sabrina was growing immune to. The past month, she'd seen this conviction more than she can count. At every corner of her life, there seemed to be a man waiting for her forgiveness.
She never understood how women turned bitter, cold and unresponsive to love. The idea of loving unconditionally had warmed her heart a year ago. She wished and hoped to have someone in her life who felt for her the way she felt for them. But after loving and offering herself up to men who seemed to leave her stranded, wondering what she could have done, what she was lacking or doing wrong, her heart was hardening too.
